How Can I Pray for You? (And a Pregnancy Update)

Baby #3's arrival fast approaches! 

As with my last pregnancies, I'd love to offer up my upcoming labor and delivery for your intentions! No prayer request is too big or too small. Feel free to leave requests in the comments here or send them privately via email: stephschweitz [at] gmail [dot] com. 

A few weeks ago, we went on an overnight babymoon to Asheville, NC. If that sounds familiar, it's because we did the same thing before Jude was born. But since Asheville is such a happening town, we were able to have a completely different babymoon experience, and it was awesome yet again. One of my favorite parts was getting my belly (temporarily) henna tattooed with Henna Sophia. It's something I've always wanted to do, so being in Asheville at 35 weeks pregnant, I took total advantage of the opportunity. And I loved the final result! Other babymoon highlights included staying at the old Princess Anne Hotel (which was really more of a giant bed and breakfast -- so lovely!), a relaxing couple's foot soak at Wake Foot Sanctuary, eating a fully vegan meal at Plant, a long peruse and shopping spree at Trader Joe's, going to Mass at the beautiful St. Lawrence Basilica, trying dim sum for the first time ever at Red Ginger, and escaping our first ever escape room (with friends who met us there!) at Fox n Otter Adventure Puzzle Rooms. And this was all within 32 hours! Thanks for yet another great time, Asheville! 

And now for a late pregnancy update.

How far along? 38 weeks

Clothing? All maternity, of course! 

Stretch marks? Yep. Just as I predicted, my old stretch marks are growing longer. This started while I had the henna on my belly, so they were hidden for two weeks. But as soon as the henna faded, there they were, sneakily growing out from the old stretchies. All the belly butter in the world hasn't stopped it, so I guess I'm just prone to stretch marks? A small price to pay for growing another human. ;)

Sleep? Sleep has been meh, mostly because it's hard to get comfy, and there are a lot of pee trips to the bathroom, and fiery reflux. Oh, and I had one night of insomnia. But since upping my magnesium supplement a little bit, I've been sleeping just a bit better. Thankfully there are daily naps to make up for the lost night sleep. 

Best moment of the week? It's probably a tie between meeting with our doula for our last pre-labor prep session and getting a bunch of little projects done around the house in preparation of baby's arrival (washing all the newborn clothes, buying and constructing new family room furniture, putting the final touches on our kids' bathroom makeover, etc.). 

Worst moment of the week? Having a few Braxton Hick's contractions and worrying that I might go into labor early. It wouldn't be horrible for baby to be born now, but I was looking forward to these last few weeks to continue getting things ready and to have some last pre-baby moments with my boys.  

Miss anything? Sangria and meaty deli sandwiches, and being able to bend down without maximum effort. 

Movement? Yup! Especially at night around 9pm. 

Symptoms? All the reflux. Random itchiness. Being tired. 

Food cravings? Give me all the sweets! 

Gender? I really have no idea at this point and will be completely shocked either way. Probably more shocked if baby is a girl, since I'm used to having boys, but I really have no clue, so it's really going to be a fun surprise!

Labor signs? Just a few Braxton Hicks contractions. 

Belly button in or out? So out. See above pic for proof. 

Wedding rings on or off? On. 

Mood? Normal. 

Looking forward to? Newborn snuggles. :) 

---

Don't forget to send me your prayer intentions! I look forward to praying for you! 

Let's Swap Prayers!

I gotta start this off with a warning . . .

Please skip to the bottom of this post if you'd like to avoid hearing a silly sob story about my upcoming labor and delivery and some related prayers I'm asking for.

I wouldn't blame ya if you did!

 ---

We're getting so close to the arrival of our newest babe!

38 weeks and + 5 days pregnant as of today.

At this point, I'm just brimming with excitement and joy and a little bit of nervousness but mostly pure eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

If I could humbly ask for prayers, though. It's sorta over something silly, but it's causing me piles of stress, so I'm just gonna throw it out there.

You may recall from John Paul's birth, I'm super pro-natural childbirth for myself. I wrote a ton about it here and here in case you're curious. We ended up having the most amazing, empowering, all-natural birth experience with John Paul and our super pro-natural childbirth doc was a huge part of that. So when we moved to east Tennessee after John Paul was born and found out we were pregnant again, I searched and searched until I found another super pro-natural childbirth doc in the area, to help us on our journey to another awesome natural birth experience.

We love our new doc so much. He's very supportive of my birth preferences and has a low low c-section rate of only 16% (for reference, the national average is 32.2%). We've seen only him through the whole pregnancy and he's totally cool with coming in to deliver our little bean, even if he's not on-call when the main event happens. It doesn't get much better than that.

BUT! (You knew there was a but.) We just found out a few weeks ago that he's going on vacation right after my due date.

*insert sobbing emoji here*

Which means, if I don't deliver by 40 weeks + 2 days, I don't get to deliver with our doc and I'm left at the hands of one of the other random docs in his group (both with a c-section rate of 35%).

These are silly things to worry about, I know. But I already got in a leeeettle bitty disagreement with one of the other docs in his office over something in my birth preferences. Ugh. So this is causing lots of fears and worries at a time when I really need my worries and fears to be nil.

Annnyyyyywayyyyy.

Would you mind praying that I deliver with my doc, some time before 40 weeks + 2 days?

I'm actually doing everything I can to naturally go into labor ASAP.

-- Eating dates. Lots of dates.
-- Drinking red raspberry leaf tea. Lots of red raspberry leaf tea.
-- Borage oil, since my doula recommended it.
-- Stripping membranes next week.
-- Eating all the eggplant. (It totally worked last pregnancy. Or was totally a coincidence.)
-- Walking around our hilly neighborhood.
-- *cover your eyes* . . . doing the deed, if you know what I mean.
-- Getting adjusted at a chiropractor, to get things lined up for labor.
-- Considering acupuncture and moxibustion . . . some sort of therapy which involves burning moxa over certain points on the body. I just learned about it today. Am I hippy enough?
-- Considering drinking huge amounts of castor oil. Eep.

None of these things will put me into labor if baby isn't ready, which is good because the last thing I want is to rush baby along. BUT, if my body is ready and I just need that extra little boost, these'll do it. And if you recall, I had John Paul on my due date, so I'm thinking this babe will be ready right around his/her due date too.

I know I sound like a crazy person. I just love my doc so much, and trust him so so much. So prayers for delivery with him would be much appreciated.And if that's just not God's will, prayers for another amazing, empowering all-natural birth experience with whoever is on-call the night this baby decides to arrive. Many thanks, friends! <3

---
Ok, you're officially at the bottom now. We're at the good part . . .

More important than all the above, I'd love to pray for YOU!

During labor, I'll be offering up all my pain and fear and crazy emotions for your intentions. So please leave your intentions in the comments here or shoot me an email at stephschweitz [at] gmail [dot] com. If you have a private intention, just write something like, "prayers for a private intention" and I'll totally cover you too. Please don't be shy! I'll also be praying for the general intentions of all my followers, especially those suffering through infertility, so you're sure to be covered even if you don't comment. But please, comment or email if you're up for it! I'd love to shower you with prayers.

Can't wait to share our newest baby with you! Hopefully soon. ;)

Can I Pray for You?

Ok, so I know I said my last post was probably going to be my last before baby arrives. My b. But this one's for a really good reason!

I'd love to pray for you.

Since we're trying for a natural birth, there's likely going to be a lot of pain involved. And what better way to work through that pain than to offer it up in the form of prayers?

If natural labor is anything like I'm thinking it's going to be, these prayers are going to be extra, extra powerful. :)

So, what would you like me to pray for?

Comment below with your intentions or send an email to stephschweitz {at} gmail . com .

And thank you for trusting me with the desires of your heart. <3

To All You Still in the Thick of It

I've been thinking of you all a lot lately. And I wanted to say I'm sorry.

I'm so, so very sorry.

I'm so sorry you still feel the pain of infertility day in and day out.

I'm so sorry that pretty much every post I make from here on out is going to remind you of your pain.

I'm so sorry that you have to put on a happy, supportive face whenever you stop by these here parts of the internet.

I'm so sorry I couldn't take you with me when I left the infertile island.

I wish I could bridge the gap, but I have no idea where to start.

I just want you here on this other side with me. I want you here so bad, it hurts.

I want you to know what it feels like to take a pregnancy test and actually have it turn positive.

I want you to know what it feels like to tell the world that you're pregnant and have each person respond with only the purest joy that ever existed.

I want you to know what it feels like to finally get to buy all those maternity clothes and baby necessities you've always wanted.

I want you to know what it feels like to not have to cringe, or cry, or hide when another friend announces another pregnancy.

I want you to know what it feels like to have a little one growing inside you, kicking and squirming at the most random times, bringing a smile to your face with each and every movement, no matter what time of day.

I want you to know what it feels like to finally have dreams come true after helplessly hoping for so long.

I want you here so bad, it hurts. 

I want to take away your pain.

And if I could, I would in a heartbeat. Because I know now, more than ever, that your pain was never supposed to exist.

I know this simply because of how right it feels to be on the other side.

And knowing and feeling that makes me hurt for you all the more.

Infertility was never supposed to happen. You were not supposed to have to suffer so hard, so long, and so alone. You were not supposed to be so horribly cursed.

Why can't I take it away?

I'm sorry that all I have for you now is prayers.

And support, if you ever need it, but I also understand how that might sting coming from a pregnant gal.

I'm so sorry.

Just because it seems like I've moved on in many ways, doesn't mean I've forgotten you. Far from it. In fact, I think of you all now more than ever.

Know that I'm angry for you.

I hurt for you.

I question for you.

I think often of you.

I'm praying for you.

Lord, please take it. Take their pain away. Take their suffering. Take their sadness, their loneliness, their barrenness.

Let them feel alive again.

Free them from the chains of infertility.

Let them be joyful. Let them be fruitful.

And let me remember always to keep them in my heart.

Amen.

Little Happies -- A Photo of Me as a Youngster, Special Emails, and an Application

Well, hello there! And welcome back to Little Happies, the happiest little link-up this side of the universe, where we all share our small joys from the past week. Won't you join us? :)

Before I start, I must mention that while my biggest dream has finally come true, that doesn't mean I have no need for Little Happies anymore. I promise you, that while I'm happy as a clam over our pregnancy, I also still have my daily ups and downs and need to be sure I'm focusing on the little positives often. So, without further ado, here are those little positives from my past week...

--one--

My mom sent me a few pics of me as a youngster! She was going through some old files and stumbled upon the pics and I just thought this one was too cute not to share.

I'm on the left, btw. And my sister, Lauren, is on the right.

Look at that bright red hair!! And those extra cheery smiles.

There's just something so fun about looking at pics of peeps as babies. Like, "Awww, look at all that cuteness I used to have!"

--two--

I love waking up to three very special emails every morning...

Blessed is She reflections on the daily readings (even though I really do think they based their name off of my blog name... NAME COPIERS),

Novenas from Pray More Novenas,

and a short gospel reading from Gospels in a Year.

I've only started doing all three of these things in the past few months, but it's a great way to start my morning, and I don't even need to leave the comfort of my bed to read them! (Thank you, cell phone.)  I love waking up to all three and enjoy such a positive, prayer- and gospel-centered start to my day.

--three--

John applied for the job in Johnson City, TN this past week!!!!! We're still waiting to hear back and that could take a week or two. But even though there's not much to celebrate at this point, just the process of applying is so exciting! We get to daydream now about what life would be like on the other side of TN. And with family only a few miles away! And buying a house! And making new friends! And all the fun things that come with moving! Eeeee!!

Have a blessed and happy week, friends! <3

An InLinkz Link-up

I Didn't Know "Open to Life" Would Be *This* Hard

Before we were married, and way before we knew infertility was going to be an issue, I had a pretty clear image of what it would mean to take our "open to life" vow seriously...

BabiesbabiesbabiesbabiesbabiesbabiesBABIES!

No wait, that's what the rest of the (non-Catholic) world thinks "open to life" means.

After equipping myself with the knowledge of this awesome science called the Creighton Model and getting the hang of the Church's teaching on Natural Family Planning (NFP), my image was a little more like...

Get married.
Avoid pregnancy using NFP for a year.
Baby.
Avoid pregnancy using NFP for another year.
Baby.
Avoid pregnancy using NFP for a year or two.
Baby.
Avoid pregnancy using NFP for another few years.
Last baby.
Lots of avoiding pregnancy using NFP in my late 30s and all of my 40s until...
Menopause.

... all the while discerning at each step along the way if we really had grave reasons to avoid or postpone pregnancy. It definitely seemed like it would be hard at times, but I was up for the challenge.

And all that probably sounds like what you'd expect of your typical fertile Catholic wanting a larger family and excited about embracing the Church's "open to life" teaching.

I also imagined "open to life" would mean...

Lots of sleepless nights.
Wrinkes and gray hairs and a saggy stomach.
No more vacations for a while.
No more casual hang outs with friends for a while.
Spending approximately $1,000,000 on groceries per month.
A slave to my washer and dryer for the rest of my life.
Getting into serious debates about [insert commonly debated baby thing here] with other moms all the time.
Never being able to poop or shower in private.
Having my ears attacked by cheesy kids tunes and cheesy kids movies all day long.
Cheerios all over my car.
Cheerios all over my house.
Cheerios all over my life.
Multitasking like a mad woman.
Acting as a mediator between fighting children.
Contantly worring about my children for any and every reason imaginable.
Desperately pleading with God for NFP to work so we can avoid having yet another one right now.
Spending all our savings sending our kids off to Catholic school or college or getting them married.
Becoming a teacher, maid, chef, role model, parent, and saint, all in one.

Gosh, that sounds like A LOT. It would definitely not be easy to be that selfless for so many baby-growing, child-raising, teen-shaping years. What you are doing is hard, reeeeally hard. So, to those of you in the trenches -- I salute you! And look up to you! And am in awe of all you do.

But, I'm also extremely jealous.

Yes, that's right. Jealous.

You may think I'm entirely crazy, completely out-of-my-mind nuts for being jealous of what you do. But it's the honest truth. As I sit here typing this, right here and now, I'm BEGGING God to give me all those challenges of parenthood. BEGGING Him.

Because at this point in my life, "open to life" doesn't look the same way for me as it does for you. Not at all. Sure, I get to be intimate with my husband whenever I want without having to worry about conceiving "at the wrong time." Sure, I get to pick up and go on vacations or go out with friends at the drop of a hat. Sure, my car and house and life are devoid of Cheerios. But I'd trade all of that, and way more, for everything you have, easy.

When I reflect on what I used to think "open to life" looks like, at first it seems like I'm not really living that vow at all. But the reality is "open to life" just takes on a whole new meaning when you're struggling through infertility.

If you've ever....

Sought the best doctors to get answers about your infertility...
Had very invasive treatments and surgeries involving your "private parts"...
Tried several different medications (that often make you crazy) to heal your broken, infertile body...
Changed your diet to increase your odds of conception...
Timed intercourse cycle after cycle to catch that perfect moment...
Done everything in your human power to conceive a child...
Opened your heart to the roller coaster of adoption...
Let go of your dreams of having your children look like the perfect mix of you and your spouse...
Filled your home with baby items before any indication that a baby is coming your way...
Put yourself out there to be possibly "rejected" by a birthmom...
Chosen to go forward with an adoption, even when you knew it was a risky situation...
Opened your home to a child from a hard place...
Let go of all you thought parenting would be so that you could be the perfect parent for your adopted child...
Found other ways to using your mothering skills...
Ministered to the needs of the poor, hungry, dying, marginalized, hospitalized...
Become a spiritual mother to those around you...
Celebrated the pregnancy, birth, and adoption announcements of everyone around you, because you really are happy about new life! (while inside your heart is breaking and a good ugly cry is about to pour out)...
Woken up still saying YES to every day, even though you know it'll be another childless one.

... then you're absolutely, positively "open to life" too. Even without a bunch of babies to show for it. We may not look "open to life" to that random stranger, but we know in our hearts we are. None of this would hurt so much if we didn't say YES to LIFE with all that we have, every single moment of every single day. You're in the trenches too, my friend, just not the same trenches you thought you'd be in.

I used to think "open to life" meant having lots and lots of babies, whenever God wanted us to, and I knew that had the potential to be challenging. But my "openness to life" isn't like that at all. It's far different than what I imagined it would be.

Is one harder than the other? I'm obviously not sure. I don't know what it's like to be a mom yet. But if I had to guess, based on who I am and how I feel today, I'd rather be struggling to keep up with all my babies than have no babies at all. I'd also guess that most folks would feel that way too.

While we don't lack sleep or free time or money, we lack something much bigger, much more meaningful... We lack the ability to co-create life. We lack the love in our hearts that only a parent knows. We lack a very special kind of joy.

What I know most of all is this: when being "open to life" with all that you have doesn't actually result in a creating new life, it hurts a lot.

My prayers are with all of you who are "open to life" in this non-traditional, unexpected way. You're beautiful, you're strong, and your life is full of meaning, even without 10 kids in tow.

Father, your will be done. We are open to life, but most importantly we are open to you, the Author of Life. Take our lives and let them be whatever you desire for us, wherever that may lead. And let us feel at peace through it all. Amen. 

Birthmom Chose...

... another family.

And we're pretty bummed.

Our agency was very kind through the "rejection" process. They even told us a few details about the adoptive family the birthmom ended up choosing, to let us know that it really wasn't anything wrong with us that made her choose otherwise.

The baby's future family already has children. He'll have siblings. They live on a farm. They homeschool.

This is obviously not us. And at first, that was very comforting. Our childless home in the city just wasn't a fit for birthmom and baby.

But the more I thought about it, the more bummed I got. What an unfair disadvantage we have! And out of our control! We would be just like that family with several kids, homeschooling and living on a farm, if we could just get pregnant or just adopt already. We've tried nearly everything in our power to make pregnancy happen, and now we're working really hard to make adoption happen. So overall, it just left me feeling more like a failure than ever.

We are not yet the family we want to be. And the family who is everything we want to be just got chosen to parent the baby we've always wanted.

Sigh.

Ok, so I'm being a bit dramatic. Maybe we don't quite want to live on a farm. But I do want several babes. And I've definitely given some thought to homeschooling. AND I wouldn't mind owning a few chickens.

Double sigh.

This whole experience just leaves me with a bunch of WHYs.

WHY did we even show our profile? 

We told the agency we weren't going to really be ready until mid-June. So...

WHY did this "perfect" situation have to pop up?

We should have avoided hearing about this baby all-together. We should have just put our foot down and said: "No profile showing 'til mid-June!!"

WHY didn't God protect us from more heartache?

He already knows how much we've hurt in the past from all our failed cycles of TTC. Couldn't He have saved us from more heartache and just left this situation off our radar?

WHY do we never get a turn?

Are we going to be childless forever? Will we never get pregnant? Will we never be chosen? Will we never have our day of celebration and complete joy?

WHY did I let myself get so excited?

The agency was almost certain we'd be chosen. I could tell by what they said to us on the phone and through emails. My mother just knew this would be our little one. All of our friends and family were praying for us or thinking of us. We bought all the essentials. We just had a feeling we were finally going to have our day. And then...

WHY did she have to choose a family that already has children?

Ugh. Dagger to my already wounded heart.

WHY can't this just be easy?

I thought I had more control in adoption. I thought it would be less painful than TTC. Turns out I was wrong. This has just added to our sadness, anger, despair, doubt, hopelessness.

WHY must I find always find blessings in the most painful situations?

I just want to be a mom. Is that too much to ask?

Here are some more positive thoughts I'm having now, a few things I'm continuously telling myself so that I can feel better...

--That family the birthmom chose has definitely been waiting longer than us. Perhaps a very long time. It was just their turn. They are celebrating today. At least they have joy.

--Perhaps this little guy would have had challenges we couldn't have met. Or perhaps the adoption is going to get really complicated. I did ask God to place him with another family if it was going to be a hard ride. I'm clinging to the hope that us not getting this child was His was of protecting us. But I suppose we'll never know that.

--Other birthmoms will like that we don't already have children. Their little guy or girl will get lots of attention from us. And they'll like our home near the city. It'll mean that we are close to lots of museums and big parks and other fun family activities.

--Our friends and family have only been loving and supportive through this whole ride. I have leaned on many, especially John, since we found out yesterday. It's nice to know how many people truly care for us.

--I've learned how to better offer up my anxiety, stress, fear, sadness. Lots of you got prayers yesterday. Lots of you will continue to get prayers. I wish I could say they were selfless prayers, but they're not. They make me feel better. Thank you for letting me pray for you.

--This has all helped John to be more ready. We have not always been on the same page about adoption. I've always been the dreamer while he's been the one to bring me back to reality. He was very hesitant to show our profile. Attending the Empowered to Connect conference helped. Talking about where we see ourselves in 10 years helped too. And last night, after hearing that we were not chosen, he realized just how excited he had gotten, how ready he had felt. He was just as bummed as me. This "rejection" has helped him realize that he does really want adoption. And that's probably the best thing that's come out of all this.

So where do we go from here?

Well, we're back in the waiting pool. But instead of our agency having 3 other waiting families, now there are 2.

We now have time to take a newborn parenting class scheduled at our local hospital for the end of May. I was wondering how we'd get a chance to learn all those skills if we had matched with this baby due mid-May. So now I don't have to stress about that.

I think I'm going to take a trip home to see my family. We don't have to worry about staying put in Memphis anymore, so we might as well travel and see some loved ones before we do get matched.

I'm going to try to ignore the fact that we have a closet full of baby essentials and a crib set up in our spare room. It'll all get used soon, right?

And I'm going to keep trusting in God, as hard as that is for my human mind and heart to do. I'm going to trust that this little one really wasn't meant for us and that our day in the sun is coming soon. We will get to rejoice. We just have to keep remaining patient.

Sigh.

Mary Undoer of Knots, pray for us.

Little Happies -- Our First Link-Up!

After posting my first Little Happies post, lots of encouragement poured in. It was so sweet, ladies! Thank you! 

Two bloggers posted their own Little Happies -- ecce fiat & Grace of Adoption -- which I loved reading! Then, several of you suggested turning it into a link up. I researched the process a bit and it seemed pretty doable. The final push came from Amanda over at True, Good, and Beautiful. She emailed me and really encouraged me to make it happen. 

Amanda's husband, Jonathan, created the beeeeautiful graphic you see above (seriously, round of applause for that one!) and through lots of emails, Amanda helped me sort through the nitty gritty details. 

We've decided Little Happies will be a weekly link up on Mondays! Weeeee!!

Now, I must say, I'm a little nervous to commit myself to this. However, my life is so full of little joys, especially now that I'm really trying to notice and appreciate them. So I have a feeling I'll have enough to post about each week. Plus, I figured, if I have to skip a week here and there, you can always still link up to an older Little Happies post. 

As for the number of Little Happies in each post -- I was thinking of five, just like I had in my original post, but then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized, you can't limit happy! So if you have only one Little Happy to share this week, that's awesome. Have a hundred? Well, that's awesome too! No matter the number, we'll all be happy to share in your little joys with you. 

And as for who's invited to join in -- everyone!! Infertility bloggers, adoption bloggers, mommy bloggers, food bloggers, life bloggers, whatever bloggers! 

The only thing I ask is that you keep your Little Happies truly little. What I mean by that is: while vacations and babies and engagements and new cars and new jobs and new houses are all great and well worth celebrating, they're a little too big for what we're trying to do here. Little Happies were started because I felt I was too focused on those Big Happies in life, just waiting my life away, hoping for the big things to happen. I felt it was time for a change, so I decided to turn to the little things to find my joy. And I hope that's what you'll do too. Plus, it's not like your Big Happies can't be posted about in their own special, separate posts. :) 

Overall, I'd really like to approach these posts as little prayers of thanksgiving to our Heavenly Father. I hardly do this enough, and when it comes to the little things, well, let's just say God is definitely not getting the praise He's due. So for each Little Happy I post or just notice in my every day, God will be getting a big ol' thank you from me from now on, as He should have been getting all along. 

So, here we go! You asked and now you shall receive. One Little Happy link up, coming right up... 

-- one --

How'd you spend your St. Valentine's day? This is the second year in a row my husband was working late for the holiday. So, for the second year in a row, I hosted a Parents' Night Out fundraiser at our church for the youth group (the teens are great babysitters!). Instead of hanging out at home by my lonesome, I got to play with tons of little cuties the whole night long. These two girlies were my favorite. They would randomly just come up to me and hug me over and over and over. I hardly ever spend time with little kids, so I was more than happy to do it that evening and put my mothering skills to good use! Plus, we raised a bunch of money for the youth group, so win win!

--two--

My youth group kids crack me up. We had a game night two weeks ago and this group decided to play Heads Up. I don't think I've laughed that hard in a while! My cheeks hurt from smiling! If you have an iPhone, Heads Up is also an app. I highly recommend downloading and playing with a crowd of friends. You'll definitely giggle lots. 

 -- three --

John wanted to go for a walk after I got off work one afternoon, so we went to our favorite little park and walked laps around this lake, chatting about life and blogging and adoption. Despite the gray skies, we had such a lovely, peaceful time. His cute hat makes me smile too. 

-- four --

I have no idea where it came from, but I've got a serious decorating bug all of a sudden. I just want to buy furniture and posters and wall art and mirrors all the time now. What is this about? I'm not even that good at interior design, so it's not like I have any reason to enjoy it. Weird. But I am digging the fruits of our interior design labor. 

This is one of our recent projects, and I love it. That little stand has turned into board game central; I love that it's so organized now. That mirror was on super sale at Target -- win! The fresh flowers are just gorgeous; I think we have a reason to buy fresh flowers more often now. (Hear that, dear husband?) And that cute framed pic was one of Johnny's St. Valentine's Day presents -- bears hugging each other. Does it get any cuter?

This fancified nook is the first thing we see when we leave our bedroom each morning. That wall used to be completely blank, so it's a lovely treat now and a huge improvement for us. 

Which room shall I tackle next? 

-- five --

I'm serious about this anti-inflammatory diet now, folks. Really. You all must hold me accountable! I really want to go all in for the next two months to see what happens. Can you help me stay on track?

One thing that will be helping me lots is this new pizza joint: Pyro's Fire Fresh Pizza. It's kind of like Chipotle, but with pizzas instead of burritos. You pay one set price and then, with all the toppings laid out in front of you to choose from, the pizza dude behind the counter piles on the toppings you pick out. They pop your creation into a brick pizza oven and a few minutes later, you have this delicious beauty staring at you, ready to be devoured.

How is this going to help my diet? Well, they have a delicious gluten-free crust, you see! I put pesto, mozzarella, andouille sausage, broccoli, bacon, jalapenos, onions, feta, scallions, and bbq sauce on this one. Can't wait to go back and create my next one AND not feel bad about it. Because it's anti-inflammatory-diet friendly! Tummy is happy.

-- six --

After I had a particularly rough morning, Johnny decided to spend the afternoon at work with me. I told my coworkers it was "Bring Your Husband To Work Day." They knew I was kidding, but my work is so flexible about have him there with me, so long as I'm productive, they don't mind him being around. 

He drew me a little diddy on my Buddha Board and told me it was how his brain felt about reading about adoption. He was a little stressed by the adoption profile and some paperwork we still have to do and all the adoption books he's trying to read now. So an exploding brain surrounded by exclamation points summed up his feelings well. Ha! He makes me smile. 

-- seven --

This one's kind of a bonus Little Happy for ya. With Ash Wednesday coming up this week, I figured it was perfectly appropriate. A friend shared it with me and it made me chuckle. 

PS - I know I mentioned that this is going to be a Monday thing, but if you'd like to join in and can't write a LH post today, don't sweat it. :) The link up will be open for two weeks, so you have pleeennnnty of time to write your LH post and still participate in the link up. Today, tomorrow, Friday, whenevs. I just look forward to reading along!  

An InLinkz Link-up

Thank You

Hey guys...

Guys, hey guys. Guys. Guys. Guysguysguysguysguysguys. Guyyyyyyyyyyssss!

Can I just read you something??

It's an excerpt from a long document I just received in my inbox. It ends a little something like this...

It has been determined that John and Stephanie have met all of the preadoptive requirements for a selected and accepted child's permanent placement. I highly approve and recommend John and Stephanie to adopt. 

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

So, in case you couldn't tell, that's from our home study. And our social worker. And we're like 99.9999% approved!! We're just proof reading the document for errors and then, once it's perfect, it's done! Finito! Finished!

We're (basically) approved!!!!

Ssssssooooooo exciting!

THIS IS HOW EXCITED WE ARE!!!! (Getting way too into "Living On A Prayer" on our wedding night.)

And guess what...

We owe you all a HUGE thank you. Seriously, huger than huge.

Like this...

THANK YOU!

(Seriously, I'd go huger if blogger would let me.)

From the top and the bottom of our hearts, we thank you so much for your prayers this month. They have been so fruitful. So many blessings have come our way in the past 31 days. And all of it is very likely due to your heavenly petitions for us. We are so grateful.

Looking back, here's what really stands out:

• I did not shatter into a million pieces on CD1 (this past Wednesday). In fact, I went about my day like it was any other day. With no tears. I was my bubbly self the whole day and it felt wonderful!
• We have more peace about our infertility.
• We have more peace about our decision to adopt. 
• My overall mood has been more positive and cheerful. This one might not seem like a big deal to most of you, since I'm usually pretty positive and cheerful here in blogland. But even my husband yesterday commented on noticing this new-and-improved happy version of me. Feels good! 
• I helped plan and execute one kick-butt retreat!
• I survived an unexpected public pregnancy announcement. 
• And as previously (excitedly) stated: We're 99.999999999% approved to adopt!!!
• Plus, probably a bunch of other stuff I'm not even aware of.

Wow, you guys are some serious prayer warriors! :)

Thank you. We are in awe of the power of prayer. We are humbled by this beautiful gift you've given us. We are changed for the better because of your love.

Thank you, God.

If you don't mind, I'm going to ask just one last prayer favor...

There'll be a new Adopt-a-Blogger come tomorrow. And a new one each month after that. Please click on the button below (or in my sidebar) and pray like crazy for the Adopted Blogger each month. Because if this past month is any indication of what these prayer can do for someone, your prayers are seriously worth it. Because your prayers are being answered! So shower these Adopted Bloggers with love (aka prayers)!

And please know of our continued prayers for all of you. 

So here I go, one last time, because it's really not enough, but it's all I've got right now...

Thank you.

Our Adoption Journey So Far

It started with a baby.

Back in July, and completely out of the blue, a good friend called me.

Katie: Hey, Steph. A friend's sister is pregnant and is probably going to get an abortion, but she has a little bit of interest in adoption. This is a long shot, because I'm pretty sure she's made up her mind, but can I tell her that you and John are interested in adopting? I think if she was connected with a potential adoptive family, she may change her mind.

(Katie knew we were struggling with IF and were open to growing our family through adoption.)

Me: Wow. Ummmm. Yes! Please do. We can't guarantee we'll be ready by then, but we're surely interested!

And then a few weeks and several prayers later...

Katie: She's changed her mind! She's not going to go through with the abortion and she wants to talk to you about adopting her baby. Praise God!

Katie gave us the birthmother's contact info and, after a long discussion with John, we decided to go ahead and contact her. We certainly were unsure of where this would lead us, but we felt it didn't hurt to gather more information.

The birthmother was so sweet and easy to talk to. Though she was only 8 weeks along when we started our conversations, she seemed very certain about adoption. She talked to us about yearly visits, naming the baby, her four children that she was already a mommy to, and the birthfather.

Her relationship with the birthfather was unfortunately very unstable, and we quickly learned that he was probably not on board with the adoption. This was a big red flag for us, so we guarded our hearts and assigned the adoption a very low probability of happening, though we still continued looking into the process. Through all the uncertainty of this situation, we still felt very called to go forward with our adoption research, which I believe was the gentle hand of God, guiding towards really diving into our adoption journey.

Long story short, the birthmother changed her mind and decided to parent. Lucky for us, she made this decision very early in the process. We had only been in contact with her for about two months and had just started working with an agency on our home study. Also, lucky for that sweet baby, the birthmother was still choosing life! If our only part in her story was to steer the her away from abortion, it was a wonderful part to have played.

Many moons ago, when John and I were in marriage prep, we completely agreed that if IF interfered with us having children, we would absolutely adopt. No doubt about it. So we were already talking more seriously about it when we suspected something was wrong and started seeing Dr. G for our IF work up. We just didn't know how soon we'd pursue it.

So, when the birthmother decided to parent, we found ourselves in an interesting position. We had already starting working with an agency and were just days away from meeting our home study case worker for the first time. That meant we had to choose --

Should we put a hold on adoption stuff for a while and just focus on IF treatments?

OR

Was it time for us to just jump right in to adoption and trust where it felt God was leading us?

My heart, my head, John's heart, and John's head all agreed. Adoption!

I purchased Adoption: Choosing It, Living It, Loving It by Dr. Ray Guarendi to read up on this new adventure we were embarking on and then went ahead with the meeting we'd scheduled with our case worker.

We're so thrilled we did, because we have continued to feel strongly called to adopt ever since.

And since September, when the birthmother decided to parent, these have been our steps in our adoption journey so far:

Meet with case worker
Interviews with case worker (as a couple and as individuals)
Several background checks
Lots and lots of paper gathering and copying (birth certificates, tax info, etc.)
Lots and lots of general information applications
Medical screenings
Adoption-related questionnaires (5 of them each!)
Writing our autobiographies
Asking friends and family to be references
Finding an adoption agency
Filling out adoption agency's required paperwork
And this one's my favorite...
Starting to tell friends and family about our plans to adopt :)

And there's only been one, small snag in our process so far -- the agency we're working with to complete our home study cannot place a child with us since they don't work with couples in Memphis.

When we originally decided to work with them, we thought our adoption was going to be independent, meaning we didn't need an agency to help us match with a baby. We had already found a birthmother, after all. So when that fell through, we had to find an agency that could match us with a child. That's why "finding an adoption agency" is part of our list. We're still working with the original agency (which also happens to be Catholic, the reason we were attracted to it in the first place) on the home study, but soon we'll be working with a more local agency, one that was recommended to us by our NaPro doctor (he's adopted 3 babies through them!), and they will hopefully place a precious baby with us in the next year or two.

It's taken us since September to get through all of these steps of the home study, but we're nearing the finish line. Come Monday, we have our last big hurdle to jump: the home inspection! Our case worker will walk through our apartment, making sure everything is safe for baby (i.e. working smoke alarms, fire extinguishers, working bathroom and kitchen, cleanliness, etc.). As far as I can tell, if we pass our home inspection and the case worker thinks we're fit to adopt, our home study will be complete! She'll just need to write it up and then send it off to our new placing agency.

And here's how we feel about that:

One of the pictures I just sent in to our placing agency!

Though that sweet baby (and birthmother) Katie had connected us with in the beginning of our adoption journey will not be a part of our family, we're hopeful that the right baby will come to us at just the right time. It'll just require a bit of patience on our part. But we're pretty okay with that. Because just as this journey started with a baby, a baby not quite meant for us, our adoption journey will almost certainly end with one too. And that one will be meant for us. And that'll be worth waiting for. <3

I do have lots and loads more to add about some other recent feelings I've had about adoption, all whirling and swirling inside of me, but I'll save that for another time. For now, I hope it's alright that we ask for prayers, that everything goes off without a hitch during our home inspection on Monday afternoon! We'll be sure to update as things get more exciting. :)

Also, please offer up some prayers for the birthmother we were originally connected with and her little one. We pray that all goes well with the birth (she's due next month!), and that baby girl is welcomed with lots of love and kisses into their family!

St. Joseph, pray for us! St. Thomas More, pray for us! St. Clotilde, pray for us! St. William of Rochester, pray for us!

Adopt-A-Blogger (Humbled.)

Something pretty awesome happened...

I have been chosen as the Adopted Blogger of the Month for January!

And so my heart is filled with happy.

If you've never been to this little corner of the interworld before, welcome! My name is Stephanie and I'm married to my best friend in the whole wide everything, John. We currently live near Memphis, TN; I work as a youth minister at our parish and John is a pediatrician. On the regular, you can find us doing things like playing board games (our new favorite is Agricola), cooking up a storm in the kitchen, being Catholic, cuddling to episodes of Doctor Who (and soon Downton Abbey!), and being nerdy, quirky goofballs together. Life is good.

A little over a year ago, we started TTC. It didn't take more than a few months for us to really feel something was wrong. So, at exactly the 6 month mark ('cause Stephie doesn't wait around), we sought out a NaPro doctor and started treatment. Endometritis (infection) was the first issue we discovered, followed by low periovulatory estradiol levels, an egg-sized fibroid at the top of my uterus, and finally, after a laparoscopic surgery this past September, a mild case of endometriosis.

Currently, I'm on Clomid on CD 3-5, B6 and Robitussin for mucus, and HCG injections on P+3, 5, 7, 9. I'm also slowly finding my way around the anti-inflammatory diet. My NaPro doc, Dr. G, is hopeful that we will conceive in the next few months; it'll just take some time to get the medications and treatments perfectly right. I, on the other hand, am not as hopeful; it's just what happens when you've never passed a pregnancy test. So, we're also working on our adoption home study at this time. If we can get all of our paperwork squared away, we should be approved to adopt in the next month. Though our journey has not quite shaped up the way we'd thought, we're pretty darn excited about where all this is leading us.

So here's hoping that parenthood will be part of our story in 2014. :) Nothing would bring me more joy or make me feel more complete than experiencing the miracle of parenthood alongside my loving husband.

Many, many thanks for this beautiful opportunity, to be showered with your prayers throughout this month. What a blessing! Please know that my prayers will be with each and every one of you during the next 31 days.

Hope & Pain & Telling Our Stories

When my husband and I moved to Memphis I didn't have a job and I wasn't looking for a job. We figured if we were going to be starting a family soon, it'd be silly to send me back to work only to quit and start my dream job of stay-at-home mom 9 months later. That, plus I reeeeeeally didn't want to go back to teaching. I needed a break from the stress of it all.

After a few months of hanging around in the apartment trying to find things to distract myself every other week (remember, my husband works one week on, then one week off), I decided it was time to look for something to keep me occupied, to help me feel like I was actually doing something meaninful with my days... 'cause babies didn't seem like they were coming any time soon. One of John's coworkers was looking for a math tutor for her daughter, so I decided to give that a go. It was at that time I also decided to join a local Jazzercise gym, to get my tush off the comfy couch at least a few times a week. When I filled out the initial paperwork at the gym they asked for my profession. To make myself appear hardworking I filled in "math tutor" and left it at that.

Several months later, the owner of the gym asked if I could tutor her son, Jim*, in high school math. By this point, I had accepted a position at our parish as the youth director, so my schedule was a little busier, but I could tell she needed my help. I decided to work with Jim, figuring since it was already April, I would only be working with him about a month, max. And that was exactly how it worked out.

I'm always anxious when I start working with a new tutoree. Are they going to be so far behind that the parents will hardly notice any improvement? Are they going to be rude or uncooperative? Are we going to get along? Lucky for me, my tutorees have always turned out to be easy going, academically strong, mostly hard working, and a pleasure to work with. Jim was no exception.

He was sweet, kind, shy, smart, capable, and just in need of a little encouragment. His biggest issue in Algebra was not paying attention in class, something easily fixed by some one-on-one attention. I really loved working with him because by the end of our hour together, I would see him go from confused and lost to capable and confident. I'd leave his house feeling like I'd really done something good, ya know? It was really a joy working with him.

After just a handful of tutoring sessions, final exams were over and we said our goodbyes 'til the fall. Jim's mom texted me a week later to tell me he got an A on his Algebra final! I was so proud. Like a proud tutor-mama. It made me grin ear-to-ear and look forward to seeing him in the fall so I could give him a solid high-five.

I'm so sad to say that as of this past Sunday, there will be no celebratory high-five.

Monday morning, I woke to some horrible news. Jim's parents had been away for a weekend at the lake and when they returned home, they found him. He had taken his life the night before.

My heart broke instantly.

Sweet, shy Jim? But why? What happened? Are we sure it wasn't an accident?

It wasn't. And he left nothing to indicate why he felt it was his time to go. No one will truly know why. And for his parents, losing their only son, this breaks my heart even more.

The funeral was this morning. The crowd was massive. The parking lot was full, as was the church. Family, friends, priests, teachers, classmates - the pews were packed. Though it was a morning of great sadness, one beautiful thing was clear... this boy was loved. If only he had known how much.

I tell you this sad news for several reasons. First, to give you a glimpse of my past week. Although it's been sad and somber, I'm not necessarily looking for sympathy or support. When loved ones die, I do my best to hold on to the positive and joyful memories of their life and to let go of the tragedy of the life lost. I also know that our Lord is merciful and surely taking care of all of them, including Jim, in His beautifully peaceful eternity. How can I be sad when I know Jim is in the most loving arms of them all?

Second, to encourage you spread the all-too-important message to young teens to be good to each other. This is the second teenage male I've known to take his own life. And I can't be certain, but I'm nearly sure that if they had just felt more loved by their peers, they would both still be alive today.

Third, and most related to my usual cause, I'd like to share with you two beautiful points made by the priest during the homily at the funeral. Though they were said to help those grieving the loss of Jim, they also helped me with some of the grief I feel over infertility.

"Faith gives us hope, but it does not take away pain."

I have hope. I have hope that my husband and I will one day (hopefully soon) be parents. I have hope that the Lord is leading us in exactly the right direction: toward Him. I have hope that one day we'll look back on all of this sadness over infertility and just say, "Ppffff, if only we had known back then what we know now," with great big smiles. This girl's got hope. Lots and lotsa hope.

But yet, I still have pain. Lots and lotsa pain. And I always thought, "What's up with that?!" Even if we can never ever have kids, shouldn't my hope of one day resting eternally with our Lord bring me enough joy to wipe all the pain away? Is there something wrong with me? Am I a bad Catholic? A bad believer? Am I too concerned with finding a life of happiness here on earth and not focused enough on the eternal joy that we'll find in Heaven?

So I took solace in this point he made today. It helped me to realize that although I do have hope, as every good believer should, hope is not a pain-eraser or a pain-fixer. Hope and pain can co-exist. And that's ok. Acknowledging that is a good step for me. It makes me feel a little better about allowing myself to be overcome with the pain of infertility sometimes. Because I'll still always have hope.

I'll have to paraphrase this next one. It's a bit longer.

"Some people like to read the last page or chapter of a book before any other part, to know how everything tying together, or to see how it all works out in the end. When we read the last chapter of Jesus' life, we see the resurrection. We see the beautiful promise of eternal life. We are filled with joy and everlasting hope. But what if we had opened to the middle of his story and read only that? We'd read about suffering, humiliation, loneliness, a desire to quit. We'd see his life only through his lowest points and we'd rest no hope in Him."

Right now, we're smack dab in the middle of our books. And we have no idea what is to come in the next 5 or 300 or 100,000,000 pages. Or how things will all tie together by the end.

Although I may be suffering now, I will surely not always feel this way. I can't remember where I read it (likely one of my fellow bloggers... hi!), but in times when I'm really bent up about my lack of babies, someone suggested repeating, "This is not permanent. This is not permanent," almost as a prayer.

We have to remember that our stories aren't complete. In many cases, our stories are only just beginning. There's so much ahead of us and so many opportunities for amazing things to happen. We need to keep having faith that this too shall pass. It will get better and more beautiful with time.

Ladies and gents, we're writing some awesome stories. Let's not be ashamed of or get stuck in the valleys. They'll just make the peaks seem taller and even more magnificent. When the whole thing is told, it'll be one enjoyable tale.

So though it's been a tough week, I feel like I've come out of it a little bit stronger, with more hope in what's to come and more trust in our Lord. It was certainly sad to say goodbye to Jim today, to know I'll never again get to boost his confidence with a few successfully solved math problems, but I'll cherish the time I had with him and remember the many good moments we had together. He wrote a good, albeit too short, story and I'm sure not going to let that be forgotten. RIP, young man. You are loved. You will be missed. <3



*Name has been changed to protect the privacy of his loved ones. 

Blessed to Be...

It's about time I explained where the name of this little blog came from.

Back when I was in JVC, all of the volunteer communities in the midwest went on a winter retreat somewhere in Michigan. (Hrmmm... can't remember the exact location. Actually, it may not have even been Michigan. Faded memories.). There were actually several retreats during that year of volunteering and at each retreat, one or two of the communities would be responsible for a prayer activity. At our winter retreat, the Detroit community brought us a prayer that concluded with this song:



Blessed to Be a Witness by Ben Harper

The first thing I fell in love with was the sound of the tongue drum (the instrument that sounds like a deep marimba). The unique sound just surrounds you, almost vibrates through your whole body, and whisks you off to another, very peaceful world. It's just so soothing and lovely.

His voice also draws you in. It's so easy to listen to. It's like he's singing just for you.

And then, as with the singing and the unusual instrumental sounds, you let the words sink in to your soul, and it just completes the song and makes it the perfect musical escape. It puts me in a prayer-like state.

Though I'm not typically great at interpreting songs (especially when the meaning is not so very obvious), from this song I'm left hopeful, at least with my understanding of it. Bad things happen in this life, but we're all blessed to be a part of it. Blessed even just to be a witness.

I am blessed.
I am blessed.
I am blessed to be a witness.

A prayer that needs repeating in my life, for sure.

So when I was searching for my new blog's name, I thought about this song. And I thought, "Well, that would work just fine." But I didn't want to steal the whole title of the song. I thought maybe I'll change the last word and make it more specific to my life. Blessed to Be a Redhead? No, wait, not meaningful enough. Blessed to Be Me? Eh, kinda cheesy. Blessed to Be Alive? Blessed to Be Here? Blessed to Be John's Wife? True! But too specific. Blessed to be in Memphis? Blessed in Memphis? Blessed to Be Loved? Blessed to Be TTC?! Blessed to Be... ?!

"Wait a second, I'm all kinds of blessed! That's what's making this naming thing so hard."

Then, I thought back to my college days, about a sweet old woman who worked at the CVS on campus. I know, sounds random, but I promise it connects. Just give me a second to get there.

She went by Nonni and she was pretty famous at the University (of Rhode Island). She had (probably still has) a very popular facebook fan page, though I'm positive she didn't make it. It was surely made by an admiring student. Gosh they just loved her.

Her popularity wasn't because she was just the most precious thing you'd ever seen (although she was). And it wasn't because she was the best or hardest worker at the store (although she was probably that too). No, her fame came from one short line she always said as she handed you your receipt at the end of your checkout experience.

"Have an excellent."

Yup, that was it. "Have an excellent."

"Have an excellent what?" you probably ask. An excellent day? An excellent life? An excellent Christmas? An excellent hair appointment?

It sure did confuse me the first few times I heard it. But as more and more people talked about Nonni and her famous line, we all came to realize that she was leaving it open to interpretation for a reason. She wanted to wish you an excellent whatever-you're-experiencing-at-this-point-in-time. Or an excellent amount-of-time-til-I-see-you-again. Or an excellent holiday-that-you-specifically-celebrate. Or just an excellent, if that's how you're feeling.

I'm positive this was her reason for chopping off that last word. (...mainly because she did an interview for the campus newspaper and she explained her reasoning behind "Have an excellent" in the article.) And we all loved her for it.

Now, back to the blog name: Blessed to Be. It hopefully makes even more sense now, given Nonni's story. I like how you can really take it anywhere when you make it vague and slightly unfinished.

For example, today, I'm Blessed to Be Working.

And tomorrow, I'll be Blessed to Be Relaxing!

And the day after that, Blessed to Be Hanging Out with My Husband. And Blessed to Be at Mass.

But overall, I'm just Blessed to Be.

And though I may not always feel that way (especially with current babyless status in mind), when I log in to type-ity type a new blog post, I'll gently be reminded to think of the many ways in which I'm very blessed in my lovely life.

And I hope all of you will too!

Now go count your blessings. And have an excellent!


(Sorry if you have to leave my blog and go to youtube.com to hear the song. I couldn't find another video of the song with the same quality recording that would play easily on the blog. I hope you'll take the time to listen to it anyway. It's definitely worth it!)

Beginning with Faith

So begins the tale of John & Steph. 

Well, actually, not really. I mean, we've known each other for 4 years now. And we've been married for almost 2. So I guess, more appropriate would be something like... So begins our quest to be parents! Yayyyy. 

Although, that's not quite accurate either. Ya see, we've been trying for several (approx. 8) months to make this thing happen. And by "this thing" I mean pregnancy. Yep. Eight unsuccessful, heart wrenching, tear filled, prayerful, and trying-to-be-patient-but-all-the-world-around-me-seems-to-be-pregnant-right-now months. Oof. 

We thought we had achieved status pregnancy after that first month of trying and were SO ready for it all. Heck, I had been ready since we said "I do." Or was it "I will"? Yes, I think it was "I will." Was it? I digress. Anyway, I read Pregnancy 4-1-1 cover to cover. I found some new favorite baby blogs. I started a list of baby supplies I should buy. I took a year off from work to prepare for momhood. I even started taking Jazzercise classes to get myself in tip top shape for baby growing. They say God laughs when you tell Him your plans. I bet He laughed pretty hard when we started this journey, our quest to parenthood, because our plans were soooo far off from what He has planned. 

So what does He have planned? 

... great question. Wish I knew the answer. But here's where faith comes into play.

Johnny and I are Catholic. We love being Catholic. We first met each other at a Catholic Speed Dating event. We bonded over our love of Catholicism. We go to bed at night talking about our Catholic faith and just how awesome the whole thing is to us. So, this faith thing isn't necessarily foreign to us. But when something rocks your world like infertility (ahhh! ... there, I said it... such a scary word to apply to yourself), after all the crying and yelling and feelings of abandonment and brokenness, you don't want to have faith. You can't. You feel like things are just never going to work out for you. Ever. 

But then you go on a Women's Morning of Spirituality retreat and the keynote speaker says something that brings your faith back to life. One quick prayer, and my faith was restored... renewed even! This precious and energetic nun, Sister Mary Brigid, had each of us close our eyes and think of the thing we wanted more than anything. (Obviously, I was thinking of being a mom.) Then she said, "Know that God wants that exact thing for you more than anything." And that was it. That was exactly what I needed to hear. Because up until that moment, I thought God was against me. Why was he not listening to my prayers? Granting me my desires? Working on my timeline? It was all about me, me, ME. And then, as soon as I took a moment to stop and realize that God was on my side and had written the desire to be a mom on my heart for a reason, my faith instantly came back. It wasn't just me, me, ME anymore... it was me and Him. And that made all the hurt a little less crumby.

So, though some days can still be a challenge, at least I still have faith. I still believe that one day, whether naturally or through adoption, we will be parents, I will be a mom. And I believe that God wants that very much for us. And on the hardest days, when I'm feeling really low and broken, I just imagine Jesus holding me extra tight, giving me a big, loving hug, telling me He's working on it. It'll all be ok. And with faith, I can keep on believing that.

Let's end with a super awesome prayer. This is a prayer to St. Gerard, patron saint of motherhood. Let's say this one for all the want-to-be mommies out there. Women who have the desire on their heart but aren't in a place yet to be moms. Women who have been trying to become moms but are suffering the pains of infertility. Women who have experienced miscarriage. Women who are experiencing the challenges of adoption. Women who are considering abortion. May St. Gerard intercede and help us all become beautiful, loving moms some day soon. And may we raise our children to know, love, and serve God as he deserves :)


O glorious St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before God, and wonder worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help. You who always fulfilled God’s will on earth, help those desiring to conceive to do God’s holy will. Intercede with the Giver of Life from whom all parenthood proceeds, that they may conceive and raise children who will please God in this life, and be heirs to the Kingdom of Heaven. Amen.