REAL TALK: I'm a Toilet Paper Snob

 Welcome to my new series, REAL TALK, in which I write about my opinions and sincere thoughts on various ridiculous things. Get ready for some real feels here, folks.  

Can we have REAL TALK for just a second? 

I'm a toilet paper snob.

Blame it on NFP and the flat toilet papery wipe required for each visit to the restroom... but I cannot stand cheap, thin toilet paper. It just falls apart as I try to twist it around my hand or as I, you know, use it. Ick! Go home, bad toiled paper, you're drunk!

Being honest here, I've sorta always known that I was snobby about toilet paper. Seriously, what kind of person likes wiping their delicates with near-sandpaper? But I didn't reeeeeally know of my snobbiness until I moved away from my parents' house back in 2004 and experienced a whole new world of bottom-cleaning stuff on a roll. 

Wait, why am I randomly talking about the horror that is bad toilet paper? 

Well, my recent trip home to RI jogged my memory...

For some reason, my parents only by this cheap Scott stuff. And I didn't know anything different until I moved away. 18 years of my life wasted with less-than-desirable wiping experiences. How do they live with that?! How do they ever convince themselves to go to the bathroom if they know their wiping experience is going to be that bad??

In addition to the worst TP ever at my parents' house, the only other toilet paper we used during our trip was at the airport. And we all know airports don't want to spend extra dimes, so they buy the cheap stuff too. Rawwrrrr! My undersides are crying. 

So, upon returning home to Memphis, I (including my bum) was very happy to be back to our apartment's thick, luxurious, sturdy toilet paper once again. 

And I'm not even sad that we have to pay a little more for the good stuff. Worth every penny.

Actually, I DON'T EVEN CARE if the toilet paper is on the roll the wrong way. I know, I know... this is a hotly debated topic. But it means nothing to me compared to the quality of the paper. NOTHING, you hear me??!

(Ok... but just in case you wanted my opinion on the subject.)  source

Seriously, they need to market the bad stuff and the good stuff differently. In my mind, they're not even on the same playing field, not at all, so they definitely should not be allowed to be called the same thing. 

From now on, the toilet paper that's essentially just a smaller, perforated version of the stuff you stuff gift bags with shall be called TORTURE PAPER. 

The good stuff, aka the stuff that makes it feel like you're wiping with a heavenly cloud or the fur of a poodle, shall be called the real TOILET PAPER. We can give it a nickname too, since it deserves it. I'm thinking something like... the happiest paper on earth.

Can a sister get an AMEN?

Retreatin'

What's that you say? You love my t-shirt? Why, thank you! I designed it me-self. For my youth group's Winter Retreat. Happening THIS WEEKEND! We're leaving tonight!!! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so... scared!

Mostly kidding. :)

But seriously, this is the first retreat I've ever planned! I'm hoping it's 100% awesome. Lucky for me, I had the pleasure of planning it with two other youth directors, as we're joining our three youth groups together for this retreat-a-palooza, if you will. They're a little more experienced at retreat planning than me, so they really helped take a lot of the stress off.

If you couldn't tell by the t-shirt, the theme for the weekend is "beloved" or "be loved." You love the double meaning, amiright?

And check out the back of the shirt...

That's the bible verse we chose for the weekend. As you see, it works very well with our "beloved" theme. 

Except, do you see the error? Yup, one huge, stinky error on the back of the shirt. And it's all my fault for not quadruple checking everything. I'll give you a hint. Look up the verse John 2:3.

Oh, alright, fine. I'll spare you a second and do it for you:

When the wine ran short, the mother of Jesus said to him, "They have no wine." John 2:3

Yup, that's right. A verse about wine. On the back of a teen retreat shirt. And it was all my doing. And I'm a little mortified. And we don't have the money to reorder the shirts, so...

Let's just keep this our little secret, shall we? 

I mean, when just looking at the shirt, you'd either have to have the bible completely memorized or reeeeeally love that verse or reeeeeally know your stuff to know that the verses don't match.

If any of the teens notice, I'm hoping to play it off like, "We did that on purpose. So that we could include Jesus' first miracle on the shirt in addition to the other verse."

Do you think they'll buy that?

Oh, and for anyone wondering, the verse "Beloved, we are God's children now..." is actually 1 John 3:2. Gah! I was so close. Yet so far.

Though, I guess if that's the only big issue for our weekend retreat, I'll be one happy camper. Or, errrr, retreatant. :)

And if you wouldn't mind, could you spare some prayers for the teens? I'm giving a talk on Saturday about encountering struggles in our lives and how to handle them. 'Cause who knows struggle better than an IFer?! Not that I'm going to be mentioning IF at all, but at least I'll feel confident about what I'm saying. I actually used this post from Infertile Minnesota as inspiration for my talk. (Thanks, girl!) I highly recommend giving it a read if you haven't yet. 

So if you could pray that my message reaches the teens and draws them closer to God, that would be so wonderful.

Thanks, friends! Catch you on the flip side!

A Note to Self on CD1

Dear Future Stephanie,

It's that time of month again. Yup, the dreaded CD1. Blahhhh. Pretty lame. And I know your hopes were particularly high this month, seeing as you had just finished faithfully praying St. Andrew's Christmas Novena with the husband AND you started another new medication (HCG injections) AND you now have a whole army of prayer warriors praying for you this entire month. So it's no surprise that you're feeling a little bummed. I'm really sorry you had to have your hopes dashed again.

sad panda

But I'm here now to point out a few signs and symptoms that you will hopefully pay more attention to next time around. You know, the signs that you usually just ignore because you'd rather convince yourself that you're pregnant than not pregnant. I've been keeping track these past few cycles and it seems like the following symptoms always lead to another CD1. Just trying to help here. So why don't you take a look, take note, and allow yourself to really notice these signs next time around, before it's just too late for your hopes to be saved yet again.

If my calculations are right, when you see these signs, AF is just around the corner:

• Low energy
• Constipation
• Sore boobs that suddenly stop being so sore after several days of soreness
• Getting overheated at night
• Pimples all over your face
• Zings of pain in your nipples
• Lower back pain
• A little bit of clear, stretchable mucus a few days out
• A sensation of wetness down there
• Heightened emotions -- e.g. crying while watching Love Actually, which you've never done before
• Worse-than-usual acid reflux -- avoid ketchup, salsa
• Nausea -- I think you think yourself into being nauseous, silly
• Short bouts of cramping here and there
• Wanting to eat EVERYTHING
• Painful teeth -- that one's just weird

So, next time you encounter any or all of these signs, immediately stop all pregnancy thoughts in their tracks. It just ain't happenin', toots. 

Though, I guess it's true that you've never been pregnant and thus don't have any clue what your early pregnancy signs would actually be like. Perhaps they'd be identical to everything I've just listed here. Hrmmmm. Yeah, ummmm, just ignore that thought. 

For now, let's just hold back the hope until it's, like, P+17 and you're holding a pregnancy test and it's so obviously positive. K?

Alright, well I hope this has been fruitful! (Oops, sorry. Didn't mean to make a pregnancy pun.)

Just looking out for ya, deary.

Wishing you all the best in future cycles! Oh, and do treat yourself to something yummy (chocolate? pizza? buffalo pimento cheese dip?) and one of your favorite guilty pleasures today, will ya? You deserve it. 'Cause this IF stuff is just no fun.

With love,

Past & Present Stephanie

Silver Lining

The only nice thing about getting your period while TTC...

On your H and M days, you don't have sit on the toilet and hold it while trying to get a flat toilet papery wipe in before you pee.

(This will only make sense to Creighton users. Sorry to be exclusive. Not sorry for the TMI.)

In other news, today is my first day of Clomid ever. Hoping I can keep up the positive outlook and not turn into a Clomonster :)