Not This Time, Girly

I really thought this month might have been it.

There were so many signs.

An old friend I haven't seen in over a year said she had a dream about me. I was pregnant with 6 babies.

I almost fainted during the Our Father at Mass this past weekend. I got really hot and clammy, my face apparently turned green, I had to walk out of Mass with my husband supporting me, just to go sit on the bathroom floor and almost throw up.

I craved cheese. A big platter of cheese cubes. It was all I could think about for days.

I opened a closet and it was incredibly stinky. Though my friend didn't think so. He asked, "Maybe you're pregnant?" And I wasn't even mad. It just made me believe it even more.

And my body was not acting normal.

Everything ached. Every single muscle ached. Especially my lower back and neck and shoulders.

And I made it to P+15. PEAK PLUS FREAKING 15!!! I hardly ever make it to P+13, so P+15 was some kind of miracle.

Two days late, my body was being weird, friends were dreaming about me pregnant, stuff smelled gross, I had a craving, I almost passed out, I almost puked!!!

And then...

I got my period.

*head hits wall*

I was silly for letting myself think anything was going to be different this time around.

Actually, the logical side of me was all like, "It's probably just the HCG injections causing all the weirdness. Don't get too excited." So I didn't. But I still got a little excited. And so did my husband. He said he was happy at work all day yesterday because he thought there was a chance this was it.

His joy just breaks my heart.

Though, in all of this, here's what makes me most sad...

Fear.

More than anything, I was so scared every. single. time. I went to the bathroom these past few days. Afraid of what I would see. Afraid of letting everyone down yet again.

And I was afraid that even if I was pregnant, I would still feel the same way every. single. day. until that baby was born. That every trip to the bathroom would be a nightmare waiting to happen. Having to say goodbye to our sweet baby long before we even get to meet him.

Fear is so... scary! I don't want to be paralized by fear. I just want to go out there, grab life by the horns, and live the heck out of it all. Screw fear! Who needs it!


design by Emily Schneider

Sigh. Easier said than done.

Anyway, the good news in all of this is:

There's nothing like CD1 to kick your adoption-profile-making-butt into gear. And that's where I poured all my sad, angry, tired, frustrated energy. Our adoption profile. Tweaking every last picture, triple reading every caption, rewording half our blubs, reviewing it again and again and again until it was pretty much perfect. And now it's done. I ordered it this morning and the photobook gnomes are working on it as we speak. Ahhh! Feels good.

Oh, and I ended up finding a coupon for 60% off our order, so that was a sweet surprise too. Just the little pick-me-up I needed.

Oh, oh!! And my March Stitch Fix shipped today, so there's that too!

I'm gonna be ok, friends. Really. I'm a-ok. I just wasn't expecting to ever get that close without it actually being it for us. But maybe it's just a sign that my medications are really starting to work? That we're getting closer? That my body is slowly healing and with just a few more cycles, we'll be there?

Yes, please?!

Whatever the case may be, I'd prefer slightly less rollercoaster-y cycles in the future, thank you very much.

And now that I know my body can make it to P+15, next time that happens, it won't be as exciting. But I'm sure I'll still probably get a little excited. 'Cause that's just silly old me. This girl can't help but dream.

*rolls eyes at self*

A Note to Self on CD1

Dear Future Stephanie,

It's that time of month again. Yup, the dreaded CD1. Blahhhh. Pretty lame. And I know your hopes were particularly high this month, seeing as you had just finished faithfully praying St. Andrew's Christmas Novena with the husband AND you started another new medication (HCG injections) AND you now have a whole army of prayer warriors praying for you this entire month. So it's no surprise that you're feeling a little bummed. I'm really sorry you had to have your hopes dashed again.

sad panda

But I'm here now to point out a few signs and symptoms that you will hopefully pay more attention to next time around. You know, the signs that you usually just ignore because you'd rather convince yourself that you're pregnant than not pregnant. I've been keeping track these past few cycles and it seems like the following symptoms always lead to another CD1. Just trying to help here. So why don't you take a look, take note, and allow yourself to really notice these signs next time around, before it's just too late for your hopes to be saved yet again.

If my calculations are right, when you see these signs, AF is just around the corner:

• Low energy
• Constipation
• Sore boobs that suddenly stop being so sore after several days of soreness
• Getting overheated at night
• Pimples all over your face
• Zings of pain in your nipples
• Lower back pain
• A little bit of clear, stretchable mucus a few days out
• A sensation of wetness down there
• Heightened emotions -- e.g. crying while watching Love Actually, which you've never done before
• Worse-than-usual acid reflux -- avoid ketchup, salsa
• Nausea -- I think you think yourself into being nauseous, silly
• Short bouts of cramping here and there
• Wanting to eat EVERYTHING
• Painful teeth -- that one's just weird

So, next time you encounter any or all of these signs, immediately stop all pregnancy thoughts in their tracks. It just ain't happenin', toots. 

Though, I guess it's true that you've never been pregnant and thus don't have any clue what your early pregnancy signs would actually be like. Perhaps they'd be identical to everything I've just listed here. Hrmmmm. Yeah, ummmm, just ignore that thought. 

For now, let's just hold back the hope until it's, like, P+17 and you're holding a pregnancy test and it's so obviously positive. K?

Alright, well I hope this has been fruitful! (Oops, sorry. Didn't mean to make a pregnancy pun.)

Just looking out for ya, deary.

Wishing you all the best in future cycles! Oh, and do treat yourself to something yummy (chocolate? pizza? buffalo pimento cheese dip?) and one of your favorite guilty pleasures today, will ya? You deserve it. 'Cause this IF stuff is just no fun.

With love,

Past & Present Stephanie