The Littlest Saint

This is the story I never wanted to write.

John and I have lost the tiniest baby to miscarriage.

Her time on earth was too short, but what joy she brought us.

And though her life was short, there's still so very much to tell: how it all happened, how I found out, her name. So I'm sharing it all now to honor her perfect, little life and keep her memory alive forevermore.

---

My cycles had been on hold for a while due to my nursing relationship with John Paul. I was eager for them to start them again, as we were eager to start trying to conceive a sibling for our little bud. So I was excited when Aunt Flo ever-so-gently made her appearance toward the end of our trip to Harry Potter World back in early February, at approximately 9 months post-partum.

We started trying right away.

I wasn't exactly devastated when Aunt Flo appeared a second time in mid-March, because hey, it was only our first cycle of trying and I was used to things taking a while, as it took almost 2 years to conceive John Paulie. But I was certainly ready to try, try again.

While a mama returns to fertility, things can be a little . . . off. So it took forever to ovulate in that second cycle. But I still tracked it, we used the right days, and remained hopeful.

Two days after peak, I was hit by the most intense nausea ever. It started in the middle of the night, during a 4am nursing session with John Paul, and didn't let up for almost 24 hours. At first I chalked it up to food poisoning, but I never actually got sick. I wanted to hope that it was somehow related to conception, but I also felt that was really weird. So I pushed it to the back of my mind.

Then John Paul started acting strange. And I couldn't figure out a reason for it. He wasn't teething. He wasn't sick. He was just skipping most of his naps and being super snuggly. I wanted to hope that it was somehow related to early pregnancy and him just knowing something was up with mama's body, but I didn't want to get too carried away. So I tried to push that to the back of my mind. But with the possible conception nausea and now my baby boy acting so out of character, I started to let hope grow.

At this point, I raided our medicine cabinet and found my old prescription for progesterone. Leading up to my first post-partum cycle, my luteal phase was only 5 days long. And leading up to my second, it was only 8. Considering 13-to-15-day luteal phases were my pre-pregnancy norm, I knew my progesterone levels were off, as they usually are when a mama is returning to fertility. So I decided to self-treat with that old progesterone prescription.

Pretty soon it was 9 days past peak and I got hit by an annoying migraine. Another hopeful sign!

In this time, I also had a friend tell me she had a dream I was pregnant with twins and my sister-in-law told me she dreamt I announced I was 4 weeks pregnant. And so hope grew more.

Come 11 days post peak, a good friend, Emily, convinced me it was time to test. Pre-John Paul, I was not an early tester because I was so used to not getting pregnant each cycle, so why bother? But at this point, I had so many signs pointing toward pregnancy, I decided to give it a go.

I stared at the test as the urine crossed over the testing window. Negative. But wait, Stephanie! It says to read after 5 minutes. So I walked away, and set a timer for 6 minutes, just to be sure.

When the timer went off, I checked again and negative again.

But wait, is that second line? Surely not. No. I'm squinting. There's no line there. But wait, is there?!!

And with another few minutes of staring and squinting and second guessing, the faintest of faintest second lines was really there.

PREGNANT.

Oh my gosh, I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!

A few texts back and forth with Emily and she confirmed it. She saw it too. SHE SAW IT TOO!

And I was giddy!

PREGNANT AND GIDDY!!!

I immediately called John at work and told him, and he excitedly said, "Well, yay! I had a feeling this is what you were calling me about. How lovely!" After the weird nausea and John Paul's behavior and migraine, he was hoping along with me. And now it was confirmed.

We're pregnant!!!!

But it wasn't long before doubt crept in.

That second line was super light. What if it was an evap line? Plus, the test is over two years expired. This probably isn't real. Oh, but I want it to be so bad. Please be real!

So with excitement but also a little fear, we went to sleep that night and planned to test in the morning.

When morning came around, the test was still positive. Ever so faintly positive. But positive is positive!

Pregnant. Pregnant. PREGNANT!

We were floating on cloud 9 that entire day. We were in happy shock that it only took us two cycles of trying this time!! I kept excitedly telling John Paul he was a big brother. We looked up her due date: December 28, the feast of the Holy Innocents. (Eerily fitting now, looking back.) We swooned over the thought of a Christmas baby.

We treated ourselves to ice cream after dinner and took one of the only images we now have of me while pregnant with our little one.

Later that night, the bleeding started. First spots of brown, then a bright spot of red.

CRUSHED.

The familiar feeling of failure from our two years in infertility came creeping back.

I've failed us. I'm broken. I'm so sorry.

Those were the words I uttered to John.

With the smallest thread of hope I had left, I took another pill of progesterone before bed and closed my eyes to sleep, ready to face the worst in the morning, but clinging to Him, desperately wanting a miracle.

By morning, the spotting was back to brown and another pregnancy test came back faintly positive. By afternoon, the spotting had stopped.

Could it be? Implantation??

The spotting shook me up enough to want blood work. So Sew called me in some favors and my long-distance NaPro doc (we don't have one in my new town) ordered HCG and progesterone labs for me.

We went to bed excited and hopeful and scared yet again. But mostly, joy-filled. I was still pregnant, praise God. We thanked Him for another day with our little poppy-sized babe and went to sleep in awe of His great gift.

We got yet another faintly positive test in the morning.

But when we got our lab results later that day, we were quite shaken.

On day 13 after peak . . .

HCG: 13
Progesterone: 17

Crushed again.

Our NaPro doc assured us that those numbers were possibly ok. They were numbers he'd expect to see in very, very early pregnancy. The progesterone wasn't great, but wasn't the absolute worst. He wanted it to be at least above 20, so we made a plan to switch to progesterone in oil and hoped that would do the trick. As for the HCG, well, we would test again in 48 hours to see if it's doubling and then go from there.

As we waited for the morning of the next HCG and progesterone check, I oscillated between hope and sadness. For reference, my HCG was above 2,000 when checked on day 18 after peak during John Paul's pregnancy. An HCG level of 13 just sounded so terribly low. So terribly hopelessly low.

But we kept praying. We kept hoping. We kept imagining our future with this sweet baby in it. And we tried to enjoy every moment we had with her, because we knew there was a chance there wouldn't be many more.

When the nurse finally called to tell me the results of the second test, her voice gave it away. So I told her to give it to me straight.

On day 15 after peak . . .

HCG: 3
Progesterone: 5.5

Completely and utterly broken.

An HCG of less than 5 is negative for pregnancy. It was confirmed. Our little one was no longer growing. I had miscarried.

And I sobbed.

John was at work, so it was me and John Paulie and the little fading life inside me for the afternoon.

That night, I didn't take my progesterone, and the next morning the bleeding began for real.

---

Technically, I experienced a chemical pregnancy. And in the past week, I've come to hate how clinical and sterile that term is. But since my HCG was never high enough and she was never big enough to be seen on the big screen (ultrasound), her pregnancy gets that callous title.

It's crazy to think that if I hadn't been paying attention, I probably wouldn't have even known she existed.

Thank God for NFP.

It's possible I was meant to lose her the night I experienced what I thought was implantation spotting. The progesterone probably kept the pregnancy going those few extra days. But I'll never know for sure.

It's also possible there was some sort of chromosomal issue and our little lady just couldn't develop very much because of it. But we'll never know that for sure either.

I also worry that maybe we started trying too early, before my post-partum body was ready. I'm not trying to place the blame on us, but it's hard not to, ya know? Just yet another thing we'll never know.

We also don't know if she was really a girl, obviously. But I do lean that way. Mostly because her pregnancy was so different from John Paul's. Which is silly to say, I know. It was obviously very different because it never got very far and was never meant to. But I'm holding on to these things and letting myself think our baby was a girl, even if it's not right, because I guess at the end of all this, I'm still entitled to my motherly instinct. John thinks she was a girl too.

One day, though, on the other side of Heaven, we'll know all this for sure. When we truly meet our little lady for the first time and hear her story straight from the Source. We'll know for sure.

And what a joyful day that will be.

---

To honor the life that was entrusted to us, we've named our sweet girl.

The littlest saint in Heaven . . .

Therese Hope

We wanted to name our sweet girl for a saint who died as a child.

St. Hope immediately stood out to us. She died a martyr at the age ten.

At the end of her story, our little girl has brought us nothing but hope. Hope that we can grow our family again. Hope that my body is healed, or at least healing. Hope that we will be with her again. Hope that God will redeem this suffering for good. What a perfect name for our saint.

And while thinking of other saints, I kept coming back to St. Therese of Liseux. I was drawn to her little way, glorifying God in all she did, especially in the little things. It spoke to me and reminded me so much of what we had been through in our short time with our daughter. She didn't live for very long, but her little, simple life provided us with so much love and so much joy. It felt like exactly the right name to honor her life.

Therese Hope.

(Pronounced Teh-rezz Hope.)

When I say her name, I'm reminded . . .

There is hope.

And I hope you hear that too.

---

I have always wanted to become a saint. Unfortunately, when I have compared myself with the saints, I have always found that there is the same difference between the saints and me as there is between a mountain whose summit is lost in the clouds and a humble grain of sand trodden underfoot by passers-by. Instead of being discouraged, I told myself: God would not make me wish for something impossible and so, in spite of my littleness, I can aim at being a saint. It is impossible for me to grow bigger, so I put up with myself as I am, with all my countless faults. But I will look for some means of going to heaven by a little way which is very short and very straight, a little way that is quite new.

We live in an age of inventions. We need no longer climb laboriously up flights of stairs; in well-to-do houses there are lifts. And I was determined to find a lift to carry me to Jesus, for I was far too small to climb the steep stairs of perfection. So I sought in holy Scripture some idea of what this life I wanted would be, and I read these words: 'Whoever is a little one, come to me.' It is your arms, Jesus that are the lift to carry me to heaven. And so there is no need for me to grow up: I must stay little and become less and less.

-St. Therese of Liseux

---

Our only family picture. 

We didn't know it at the time. 

John, Stephanie, John Paul, Therese.

I was trying to help John Paul stand and walk while John was reaching out to him. 

The rainbow and circular, embryonic figure in the bottom left corner give me chills.

<3

Where Have You Been, Missy??

It seems I've fallen off the face of planet earth. But actually, no I haven't! I'm still here, doing all the things. To put it lightly, things have been . . . busy. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

--one--

Learning how to teach plus then teaching the Creighton Model has been a whirlwind. Whew! But just last month, I wrapped up my 13-month training with a big fat 4-hour final exam. It was a doozy. Also awkward, since it was proctored by the only person in town I could find to proctor -- a male librarian. I had to present the picture dictionary to him. *insert embarrassed face here* That aside, I felt pretty ok after I finished it, so I'm thinking I passed, but I should find out by the end of April. Fingers crossed, prayers said! 

I've LOVED working with clients and am looking forward to continuing that without supervision now. Wahoo! If you know of anyone interested in learning CrMS, please feel free to send them my way. :) 

--two--

Leading up to Christmas, I participated in my first saint peg doll swap. Have you seen these yet? They seem to be making their way around the Catholic bloggiesphere. You paint 20-30 of the same saint for the swap and get 20-30 different ones back (or however many people are participating). It's a great way to learn about a bunch of saints AND get your craft on at the same time. Plus, they make great toys AND Catholic learning tools for little ones. 

For my first swap (hosted by the great Hannah), I painted St. Cecilia!

And in return received . . .

Front Row

St. Therese // St. Faustina // Mary, Mother of God // St. Augustine // St. Cecilia // Our Lady Undoer of Knots

Second Row

St. Francis // St. Lucy // St. Joachim // St. Catherine of Sienna // St. Zelie // St. Martha // St. Luke

 

Third Row
St. Elizabeth Ann Seton // St. Joseph // St. Isidore the Farmer // St. Monica // St. Kateri

Fourth Row
St. Pope John Paul II // St. Clare // St. Louis Martin // St. Gianna // Esther // Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

Fifth Row
St. Maria Goretti // St. Peter // St. Rose of Lima // St. Michael the Archangel // St. Maximilian Kolbe

--three--

Within a few days of me receiving my 30 new saint dolls, I was already itching to do another one! So with the help of Katie and Cecilia, we organized a special group of gals who've experienced infertility, miscarriage and/or stillbirth and are together making a set of 20 saints who are patrons of those sufferings. So, so special.

I just shipped off my St. Philomena dolls . . .

. . . and should be receiving the new set in time for Easter. Most of the saints came from this patrons-of-infertility list.

I'll be sure to post pictures once they arrive.

Though, to hold you over, I've got a pic of two saints my husband painted! He wanted in on the fun after seeing me paint over 50 saints myself. He had to tell me which saints he painted because sometimes I'm clueless. Can you guess?

--four--

I wouldn't be me if I didn't waste stupid amounts of time watching silly things on the telly. So, recent favorites have been:

Call the Midwife -- So many babies being born! And an infertility/adoption story!
Downton Abbey -- HOW IS THIS OVER?! At least the ending left me with all the good feels.
Jane the Virgin -- Funny and clever, but getting less appropriate by the episode. :-|
Fixer Upper -- We blew through the only season on Netflix. GIMME ALL THE SHIPLAP!
The Property Brothers -- Just yes.
Married at First Sight -- I know it's terrible that I watch this. But I really want all the best for these couples! And I love watching people fall in love. Sigh. Why are the outcomes so bad?

--five-- 

In early February, John surprised me with a trip to The Harry Potter Wizarding World in Orlando!! He knew it was on my bucket list and one night in January, he arranged all the details on the internets by himself and BOOM. Surprise bucket list trip for us! My MIL joined in too to help out with John Paul. It was the best trip EVA!

I have to say, Universal is sooooo accommodating to families! Every ride has a child-swap room so that parents can wait in line together and then when you get to the front of the line, one hangs in the swap room with the kiddo while the other rides, and then once that parent is done, the parents swap! Easy peasy. There's also a building with rooms for breastfeeding moms, so I totally took advantage of that. We stayed, very affordably, at one of the Universal hotels, which included shuttle service to the parks every day. And, sigh, it was just awesome.


Favorite parts: buying a wand and casting interactive spells with it around the parks, drinking 4 glasses of butterbeer *drool*, walking through Hogwarts Castle, eating lunch at the Leaky Cauldron, and discovering Diagon Alley. The coolest.

--six--

So this is a big deal . . . we're house hunting! For the first time ever, we're ready to buy a home. We've seen about 15 houses and even put an offer on one! But the sellers decided to stay in their home right after our offer came in. Bummer. The good news is . . . we're in no rush. We could stay in our apartment for another year or so just waiting for the perfect house. So there's that. But the search continues. (And gosh, it's kinda a full time job!)

--seven--

Best of all the things keep me busy . . . 

Being this guy's mom. 

Can you believe I have a 10-month-old?!

Guys, he's just the sweetest, most hilarious kid ever. He loves exploring, pulling up on everything, pulling all the things off all the shelves. He LOVES the kitchen -- the dishwasher, the cabinets, the refrigerator, the oven drawer -- what's not to love? He eats all the things. New favorites include raisins, baba ganoush, blueberries, blackberries, watermelon, and my mom's chicken parm. He even likes semi-spicy curry dishes! He doesn't like sitting still for long, and sweet cuddly moments are hard to come by. But he's just a hoot. I can't get over the sounds he makes or the cheesy smiles or the way he hides his face in my shirt if he's being shy. Guh. This kid. What a blessing!

link it up

 

Naming John Paul Fulton

When you're out and about with a baby, you get lots of attention. One of the first questions most folks ask is, "What's his name?" To which we reply "John Paul", and to which they reply with a variety of fun reactions.

Some folks say, "How beautiful!"

Others say, "Is that biblical or something?"

And others, "Like the Pope?!"

We sure are wearing our Catholicness on our sleeve with a name like that.

While we were pregnant, we decided to not decide on a name for baby. We had a (long) list of names for a boy and another (long) list for a girl and we'd make our name decision once we saw our little one's face for the first time.

In order to make "the list", the names had to be a saint's name, a future saint's name, a derivative of a saint or future saint's name, or a family name. Extra points for saints or to-be saints with cool stories. Also, the name couldn't be too popular. I tend to like traditional names that are a little off the beaten path, but not too far off (i.e. St. Sexburga . . . what?!). And I really like nicknames, so if the name had a good one, I liked it even more. Sometimes I'd even think of the nickname first and try to find a saint's name that matched the nickname. Naming really is a fun game!

You'd think that with all those requirements, we would be able to narrow things down a bit, but GOSH there are a lot of saints and to-be saints out there with wonderfully classy nicknameable names!

I spent a lot of time sorting through names on this alphabetical catalog of all the saints and once I found ones I liked, I'd head on over to the Social Security website to check the popularity of the name in the US over the past 10 years. In order to make the cut, it couldn't be in the top 20, especially if it was a girl's name. I like for girl's names to be even less popular . . . out of the top 100. I was serious about names, folks!

Once a name made my list, I'd bounce it off John and try to imagine calling our child by that name throughout his or her life. I'd occasionally run names by friends or family members, but I found it was best to decide on names just between the two of us, since everyone has naming opinions, and they differ wildly!

Once a name made our list, we worked on pairing it with the perfect middle name, which was typically where the family names came in.

After all that searching, we were hoping the perfect name would become obvious once we laid eyes on our newborn, but were also prepared for our baby to go nameless for a few days if we couldn't decide. :P

All that being said, we were pretty sure if baby was a boy, he'd end up being named for his father: John. The name "John" goes pretty far back on his side of the family. All the first born sons have been named John for at least the past 3 generations, with all the men having different middle names (so there's no Sr., Jr., III). My husband, John, was open to going with a different name on the list if baby didn't look or feel to us like a John, but I could tell he really wanted to honor his family by continuing the family tradition. And I was all for making that happen.

However, I really didn't want two guys going by the same first name in our house, like my husband experienced when he lived under his parents' roof. (When we go over there, there's still confusion whenever someone says "John"!) So that's where more creativity came into play.

Since our baby boy's first name was going to honor John's side of the fam, we figured his middle name should honor my side. As luck would have it, guess what my dad's name is . . . Paul!

So, while at first glance it appears we named John Paul for St. Pope John Paul II, we also named him for both his grandfathers -- John and Paul. How cool is that?

And though his first name is just John, we enjoy calling him John Paul so there's no confusion as to who I'm talking to or about at any given moment. We also like that if he decides he'd rather just go by John some day, he has the option, hence "Paul" as a middle name.

For whatever reason, we also decided he needed a second middle name. I think part of it was because we just like so many names, so we wanted to throw another one in there. And as a former infertile, you have no idea if you'll be able to have more in the future, so I sorta felt like . . . gotta use 'em while we can!

Because we were pretty certain about the name John Paul, it was really the second middle name that we left undecided until after he was born. The two we were deciding between were Fulton, for Blessed Fulton Sheen, who is so awesome and we've both loved for a long time, and Peregrine, patron saint of illness, but more importantly the saint that Pippin from Lord of the Rings was named for. ;) We also toyed with Benedict and Francis, but then we'd be double-Pope-ing our kid, Pio, for St. Padre Pio, and Patrick, because John liked that name at the last second and it sounds good with John Paul.

But once our little man arrived, it was clear he was meant to be John Paul Fulton.

So there you have it . . . the long version of where our little man got such a big name from. :)

And in case you were curious, I'll share all the other names we were considering. Don't be too surprised if we use them (God willing) in the future, but since John Paul's birth, I've already discovered a few more names that I love. I'll keep those newer ones a secret for now. ;)

PS - If you're as name obsessed as I am, check out this Catholic naming blog, Sancta Nomina. She even does naming consultations! Be warned, you can easily get lost in her old posts for hours. :)

Little Happies -- A Photo of Me as a Youngster, Special Emails, and an Application

Well, hello there! And welcome back to Little Happies, the happiest little link-up this side of the universe, where we all share our small joys from the past week. Won't you join us? :)

Before I start, I must mention that while my biggest dream has finally come true, that doesn't mean I have no need for Little Happies anymore. I promise you, that while I'm happy as a clam over our pregnancy, I also still have my daily ups and downs and need to be sure I'm focusing on the little positives often. So, without further ado, here are those little positives from my past week...

--one--

My mom sent me a few pics of me as a youngster! She was going through some old files and stumbled upon the pics and I just thought this one was too cute not to share.

I'm on the left, btw. And my sister, Lauren, is on the right.

Look at that bright red hair!! And those extra cheery smiles.

There's just something so fun about looking at pics of peeps as babies. Like, "Awww, look at all that cuteness I used to have!"

--two--

I love waking up to three very special emails every morning...

Blessed is She reflections on the daily readings (even though I really do think they based their name off of my blog name... NAME COPIERS),

Novenas from Pray More Novenas,

and a short gospel reading from Gospels in a Year.

I've only started doing all three of these things in the past few months, but it's a great way to start my morning, and I don't even need to leave the comfort of my bed to read them! (Thank you, cell phone.)  I love waking up to all three and enjoy such a positive, prayer- and gospel-centered start to my day.

--three--

John applied for the job in Johnson City, TN this past week!!!!! We're still waiting to hear back and that could take a week or two. But even though there's not much to celebrate at this point, just the process of applying is so exciting! We get to daydream now about what life would be like on the other side of TN. And with family only a few miles away! And buying a house! And making new friends! And all the fun things that come with moving! Eeeee!!

Have a blessed and happy week, friends! <3

An InLinkz Link-up

Little Happies -- a Quiz, a Salad, and a Painting

Hi, friends! And welcome back to Little Happies, the happiest little link-up on the planet, in which we share all our little happy joys from the past week.

Let's get right into it...

--one--

Remember that really weird Who Should Be Your Patron Saint? Quiz I shared a few weeks ago? Yeah, it was pretty dang weird. Well, to make up for it, I've found a MUCH better one.

Which Saint are You? Quiz

I got the awesome St. Augustine this time! Ahh! Much better!

Now you take it! And tell me who you get. :)

--two--

I love it when my husband makes my lunch for me. It takes about 15 minutes off my getting-ready-for-work routine and it always tastes great!

This past week, he sent me off to work with this fancy chopped salad in a ginormous, heavy salad bowl. Ha! He's not really into tupperware as it turns out. But still! A great salad it was.

Not to mention, the iced pumpkin coffee was a lovely addition!

--three--

I went to a paint night with some gal pals this past weekend and painted the Memphis skyline. It was a blast spending the evening with some good friends being all artsy fartsy. The instructor was fantastic and made painting super easy for us. A great way to spend a Saturday night. And now I have some wall art for our apartment! Win win!

That's all for now, friends! What are your Little Happies from the past week? I'd love to hear! And hope you're all well. :)

An InLinkz Link-up

Little Happies -- It's Good to be Catholic

Hey there, friends! And welcome back to Little Happies, the happiest little link-up on the planet. Proven* to be happier than an antelope with night-vision goggles. So sit back, relax, maybe write a Little Happies post of your own, link-up, and enjoy!

*But not actually proven.

So, I'm currently in Johnson City visiting in-laws with the husband. But that didn't stop me from prepping this a few days ago. I reflected a bit on some of the little joys of the faith and came up with this special list for ya. So, this week's Happies are brought to you by Catholicism. What's not to love?

--one--

This song.

Have you heard of PJ Anderson yet? He's relatively new to the scene, Catholic, living in Nashville, and totally rocking at writing beautiful, holy music. This one's a favorite of mine, especially for Adoration. The often repeated line, "It is you, it is you, it is you that my heart wants," is exactly what I need to say more often to Jesus.

--two--

It's only in the past few years that I've come to know and love Venerable Fulton J. Sheen. 

You've heard of him right? 

He was an American Archbishop known for his very relatable preaching and his work on radio and television. If you've never seen him in action, I'd recommend heading over to youtube right now and just watching a few of his old recordings. Prepare to be sucked in.

Recently, I was reading this article that popped up in my facebook newsfeed, "The Curse of Broadmindedness" and was finding myself nodding in agreement through the whole dang thing. What a perfect reflection on our need to stop all this "to be intolerant is to be un-loving" nonsense, on our need to be "tolerant of people but intolerant of ideas," on our need to escape the "curse of broadmindedness" in our world today. I was thrilled to see a Catholic author -- who I assumed was just some young, spry thing, maybe writing this for a grad school class or something -- really attack these modern-day issues. So I honestly had a pretty good laugh when I discovered, after having read/skimmed the whole thing, that the author was actually Ven. Fulton J. Sheen. BOOM. The Sheenanator strikes again. (And don't ask me how his picture and name at the top of the article didn't catch my attention before I read it. I somehow just missed the obvious on that one.) How did he write something way back in 1932 that is still so relevant today? I suppose it's because broadmindedness is not a new issue, but I was still shocked by how his reflections still resonate with us in the present day. He truly was a great man.

That was a big buildup for the actual Little Happy here. While I pretty much love everything the man ever said, my favorite Ven. Fulton J. Sheen quote is:

"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn." 

:)

--three--

Then there was this kinda weird but definitely fun BuzzFeed quiz:

Who Should Be Your Patron Saint?

I got St. Juliana of Nicodemia, who was secretly Christian and when her parents tried to force her to marry a pagan man, she said no and they killed her. But before they did, she spat at Satan and poured molten lead on her torturers. Then her fiance got eaten by a lion. Ummm... WHAT?!? This is supposed to be my patron saint? What does that even mean? Ha!

Alright, now it's your turn! Take the quiz and tell me who you get! Hopefully their story will be a little cray like St. Juliana's and we can all laugh at who our patron saints should actually be, according to BuzzFeed anyway. 

--four--

The Catholic faith also gives us C. S. Lewis, who wrote the above quote and made me feel a bit better about some of my suffering. Thanks, C. S.!

--five--

And finally, you know what else is really neat about our faith? It's universal.

No, literally, the word "Catholic" means "universal"!


While I realize that's no Little thing, there are just a few Little Happy things that spring from it:

The fact that I can enter a Catholic Church anywhere in the world and still feel at home.

The fact that all I have to say is "I'm Catholic" and with that comes my whole beautiful belief system.

And the fact that I have Catholic sisters across the country who support me and understand me better than most simply because we share the faith.

Yes, my friends, it's good to be Catholic!

An InLinkz Link-up

Little Happies -- Is the Pope Catholic?

Hi, fraaands! And welcome back to the happiest little link-up there ever was. :P

I has a thought. 

While I love, love, LOVE reading all your Little Happies each week (like, seriously, LOVE), I was wondering how all of you Little Happiers felt about doing the link-up only once a month... ? Not that we don't have things to be happy and grateful for every week, but I'm thinking spacing them out a bit would just cause Little Happies posts to be even more of an explosion of happy, since you'll be saving them up all month. And it'll make it easier to participate, since you won't be scrambling to put a post together each week.

I really want your honest thoughts here, folks! So shoot me a comment and let me know what you think. While we're sorting this out, let's still plan to do a Little Happies link-up next week. Thanks in advance for your input! 

Now, on to the good stuff...

--one--

A board game called Is the Pope Catholic!?! The Catholic Nostalgia Game.

A kind older parishioner donated the game to our youth group, so obviously that meant I had to try it out first before letting the teens play it.

You know it's going to be good when the introduction reads:

This game is dedicated to the "survivors" of the Catholic Church and the Catholic educational system which existed prior to and shortly after Vatican II. This game offers practicing Catholics, "fallen away Catholics," and those Catholics somwehere in between, the opportunity to re-experience those "golden years" of pagan babies, May Crowining processions, sin, Saturday afternoon confessions, meatless Fridays, sin, Baltimore Catechisms, ruler-battered knuckles, and sin... all of which led us to become "soldiers of Christ and heirs of heaven." Although the stated goal of this game is to become the "Pope," the underlying purpose is to look back, resurrect a memory or two, and perhaps find some humor and healing for that period in our lives.

I kid you not, that's the premise of the game. Crazy hilarious, right? 

Even better, there are sin cards that cause you to lose a turn or go back several spaces and grace cards that gain you advantages. You have to read one for yourself to believe it.

This game is the bees knees. It had me in stitches last week as I played it with my friend and fellow youth minister, Jeff. 

And for the low low price of $50 ('cause apparently it's a collectable now), you too can be the owner of this ridiculously perfect Catholic nerd game.

--two--

source

Two words: Oprah Chai.

But not that sissy stuff they make at Starbucks. No, you MUST buy a few ounces of the loose leaf version at Teavana and make an extra strong brew for yourself. If you like spice, especially cinnamon, you'll love this liquid treat!

--three--

TWINS! No, just kidding. Just me and me again.

I'm pretty sure a major headband obsession has just kicked in. I bought those two beauties above at Francesca's last week and I just ordered two even cuter ones from Monroe & Harlow a few days ago. A fun, easy, and affordable accessory -- what's not to like? :)

--four--

Have you ever snuggled under a Vera Bradley throw blanket before? Oh my goodness, they're the softest, cuddliest fleece blankets you'll ever own. I bought my second one last week as a treat for making it through my youth ministry mission trip and have been laying under it ever since. 

I know they're a little pricey, but here's my expert tip: click on the "sale colors" tab and pick your favorite from there. It knocks off $20 and makes it much more affordable. I know, $30 is still a bit steep for a fleece blanket, but you just have to touch it to believe it: it's waaay worth it. And who doesn't love a cute Vera Bradley pattern? They make great gifts too! Just go for it. 

--five--

This black maxi dress.

I bought it a few weeks ago and have rocked it several times since. It's plain, but oh-so-flattering. The material is heavy enough to feel sturdy but light enough to wear all summer long. 

Even better news: it's currently on sale! Plus, Old Navy is running an online only 20% off sale until Wednesday, so if you like it, I say go for it! It'll look cute on you.

Oh, just a side note -- you may be tempted by the other cute colors, but from all the reviews I read, apparently the colorful ones show every bump and jiggle and imperfection. So stick to the black, unless you don't care about that stuff. And to that I say, more power to ya! ;)

---

That's all for this week. John and I are headed off to NYC tonight for a little vacation before my vacation time resets. We'll spend the week chillin' with his aunt and uncle, seeing several shows (including Once on Broadway!), probably eating too much, and just enjoying some free time as tourists. I've got a scheduled post coming your way on Thursday, but other than that, things will likely be quiet from me for the next week.

Catch you all on the flip side.

Have a lovely week, loves!

An InLinkz Link-up

Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen! FTW!

I LOVE me some Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen!! Seriously! Fulton is one of our top baby boy names, no joke. What a great man and a great person to be named for, don't you think? If you don't know who I'm talking about, google him, watch some of his old videos on youtube, and be ready to be impressed. I'm sure this great man will be a saint soon.

I stumbled upon this inspiring quote by him on Facebook yesterday. It ties together Easter and Infertility Awareness Week (or just infertility in general) SO WELL! I just had to share it! Thanks, Archbishop. You rock!

Or if the font on the graphic is too small, here's an easier-to-read but slightly-more-boring version:

If a man is ever to enjoy communion with Christ, so as to have the blood of God running through his veins and the spirit of God throbbing in his soul, he must die to the lower life of the flesh. He must be born again. And hence the law of Calvary is the law of every Christian: Unless there is a cross there will never be the resurrection, unless there is the defeat of Calvary there will never be the victory of Easter, unless there are the nails there will never be the glorious wounds, unless there is the garment of scorn there will never be the robes blazing like the sun, unless there is the crown of thorns there will never be the halo of light. For the law laid down at the beginning of time, which shall be effective until time shall be no more, is that no one shall be crowned unless he has struggled and overcome. 

My dear friends, let us keep on struggling on, for the "crown" on the other side will be well worth it.

<3

Infertility Awareness Week 2014: A Catholic Perspective

If you're here from a post about Infertility Awareness Week: Welcome!

The following is a FANTASTIC essay written by several women in the "Secret" Catholic Infertility Facebook group. I take no credit, just fully support everything they've written. If you are struggling through infertility now, I hope you find comfort in these words. If you know someone struggling, please feel forward to share this post or send them to Rebecca's wonderful blog; she spearheaded this whole thing. If you are not connected to infertility in any way, please read on and learn how to better support folks carrying this heavy cross.

---

One in six couples will experience infertility at some point in their marriage. Infertility is medically defined as the inability to conceive after 12 cycles of "unprotected" intercourse, or 6 cycles using "fertility-focused" intercourse. A couple who has never conceived has "primary infertility" and a couple who has conceived in the past but is unable to again has "secondary infertility." Many couples who experience infertility have also experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

This week, April 20 - 26, 2014 is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We, a group of Catholic women who have experienced infertility, would like to take a moment to share with you what the experience of infertility is like, share ways that you can be of support to a family member or friend, and share resources that are helpful.

If you are experiencing infertility, please know that you are not along. You are loved and prayed for and there are resources to help you with the spiritual, emotional, and medical aspects of this journey.

The Experience of Infertility

In the beginning of trying to conceive a child, there is much hope and anticipation; for some, even a small fear of, "what if we get pregnant right away?" There is planning of how to tell your husband and when you'd announce to the rest of the family. It is a joyful time that for must couples results in a positive pregnancy test within the first few months. However, for one in sex couples, the months go by without a positive test and the fears and doubts begin to creep in. At the 6th month of trying using fertility-focused intercourse (using Natural Family Planning), the couple knows something is wrong and is considered "infertile" by doctors who understand charting of a woman's pattern of fertility. At the 9th month of trying, the month that, had they conceived that first month, a baby would have been arriving, is often the most painful of the early milestones. At the 12th month mark, the couple "earns" the label from the mainstream medical community as "infertile."

As the months go by, the hopes and dreams are replaced with fears, doubts, and the most invasive doctors' appointments possible. As a Catholic couple faithful to the teaching of the Church, we are presented by secular doctors with opinions that are not options for us and are told things like, "you'll never have children," and, "you have unexplained infertility"; by our Catholic doctors we are told to keep praying and to have hope as they roll up their sleeves and work hard to figure out the cause of our infertility, with each visit asking, "How are you and your husband doing with all this?"

We find it hard to fit in. We have faith and values that are different than our secular culture, but our childlessness (primary infertility) or small family (secondary infertility) makes us blend in with the norm. We have faith and values that are in line with the teaching of our Church, but our daily life looks so much different than the others who share those values and that make us stand out in a way that we would rather not. We are Catholic husbands and wives living out our vocation fully. Our openness to life does not come in the form of children; it takes on the form of a quiet "no" or "not yet" or "maybe never" from God each month as we slowly trod along. Our openness to and respect for life courageously resists the temptations presented to us by the secular artificial reproductive technology industry.

Often times our friends and family do not know what to say to us, and so they choose not to say anything. Our infertility stands like a great big elephant in the room that separates us from others. Most of the time, we don't want to talk about it, especially not in public or in group settings because it is painful and we will often shed tears. We realize it is difficult and ask that you realize this difficulty as well. We will do our best to be patient and to explain our situation to those who genuinely would like to know, but please respect our privacy and the boundaries we establish, as not only is infertility painful, it is also very personal.

One of the hardest experiences of infertility is that it is cyclical. Each month we get our hopes up as we try; we know what our due date would be as soon as we ovulate; we know how we would share the news with our husbands and when and how we would tell our parents. We spend two weeks walking a find line between hope and realism, between dreaming and despairing. When our next cycle begins -- with cramps and bleeding and tears -- we often only have a day or two before we must begin taking the medications that are meant to help us conceive. There is little to no time to mourn the dream that is once again not achievable; no time to truly allow ourselves to heal from one disappointment before we must begin hoping and trying again. We do not get to pick what days our hormones will plummet or how the medications we are often taking will affect us. We do not get to pick the day that would be "best" for us for our next cycle to start. We are at the mercy of hope, and while that hope keeps us going it is also what leaves us in tears when it is not realized.

Our faith is tested. We ask God "why?", we yell at Him; we draw closer to God and we push Him away. Mass brings us to tears more often than not and the season of Advent brings us to our knees. The chorus of "Happy Mother's Day" that surrounds us at Mass on the second Sunday in May will be almost more devastating than the blessing of mothers itself. We know that the Lord is trustworthy and that we can trust in Him; sometimes it is just a bigger task than we can achieve on our own.

Please...

• Pray for us. Truly, it is the best thing that anyone can do.
• Do not make assumptions about anything -- not the size of our family or whether or not a couple knows what is morally acceptable to the Church. Most couples who experience infertility do so in silence and these assumptions only add to the pain. If you are genuinely interested, and not merely curious, begin a genuine friendship and discover the truth over time.
• Do not offer advice such as, "just relax," "you should just adopt," "try this medical option or that medical option" -- or really give any advice. Infertility is a symptom of an underlying medical problem; a medical problem that often involves complicated and invasive treatment to cure.
• Do not assume that we will adopt. Adoption is a call and should be discerned by every married couple. Infertility does not automatically mean that a couple is meant to adopt.
• Ask how we are doing and be willing to hear and be present for the "real" answer. Often times we answer, "OK" because that's the easy, "safe" answer. Let us know that you are willing to walk through this tough time with us. Frequently we just need someone who is willing to listen and give us a hug and let us know we are loved.
• Offer a Mass for us or give us a prayer card or medal to let us know you are praying for us. Just please refrain from telling us how we must pray this novena or ask for that saint's intercession. Most likely we've prayed it and ask for the intercession daily. Please feel free to pray novenas and ask for intercessions on our behalf.
• Be tolerant and patient. The medications we take can leave us at less than our best; we may not have the energy or ability to do much. Please also respect us when we say, "No, thank you" to food or drinks. We may have restricted diets due to our medical conditions and/or medications.
• Share the good news of your pregnancy privately (preferably in an email or card or letter and not via text, IM chat, phone call or in person) and as soon as possible. Please understand that we are truly filled with joy for you; any sadness we feel is because we have been reminded of our own pain and we often feel horrible guilt over it as well. Please be paitent and kind if we don't respond immediately, attend your baby shower or don't "like" all of your Facebook updates about your children. Again, it is really about us, not you.
• Help steer group conversations away from pregnancy and parenting topics when we are around. We like to be able to interact in conversation to which we can contribute meaningfully.
• Do not ask when we are going to "start a family." (We started one the day we got married.)
• Do not ask which one of us in the "problem" -- we are either fertile or infertile as a couple.
• Do not say things like, "I know you'll be parents some day," or, "It will happen, I know it will!" Along the same lines, please do not tell us stories of a couple you know who struggled for years and went on to conceive or to, "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant" (this one actually only happens a small percentage of the time). Only God knows what our future holds; please pray with us that we are able to graciously accept His will for our lives.
• Do not pity us. Yes, we have much sorrow. Yes, we struggle. But, we place our  faith in God, lean on the grace of our marriage, and trust that someday, whether here or on earth or in Heaven, we will see and understand God's plan.

Resources:

Infertility Companion for Catholics

Facing Infertility: A Catholic Approach

Reproductive Technology: Guidelines for Catholic Couples (From the USCCB)

Bloggers who contributed to this article:

(Those with an * have children after primary infertility or experiencing secondary infertility. They are marked as such so that if you aren't up for possibly seeing baby/child pictures today, you can meet them on a day when you are, but please do take the time to go and visit them.)

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace

DM & AM @ Snapshots

K @ Lucky as Sunshine

L @ Infertile Minnesota

Lora @ Abounding Love

Mary Beth @ Grace of Adoption
Morgan @ Life as We Know It
Mrs. Fitz @ Romans 12:12

Polkadot @ Making God Laugh

Rebecca @ The Road Home

Stephanie @ Blessed to Be

Stephanie @ Chateau d'IF

*A @ All in His Perfect Timing

*Alison @ Matching Moonheads

*E @ God's Plan is My Joy

*Jenny @ All Things

*Katie @ Just Think of Lovely Things

*M @ Joy Beyond the Cross

*Sarah @ Fumbling Toward Grace

There is also a "Secret" Facebook group with over 150 members who contributed to this article as well. For more information or to join the group, email Rebecca at RebeccaWV02@gmail.com.

Your Lenten Word

Back in college, the church on our campus would have a basket full of pebbles chilling in the entraceway during the first week of Lent. Each pebble had a word written on it, much like the words you see above. It was a tradition in this church for all passersby to pick out a random wordified pebble, this word becoming your focus for the upcoming 40-day spiritual journey. I always liked this tradition and enjoyed having this physical reminder (i.e. the pebble), this call to focus, sitting and staring at me for all the days leading up to wonderful Easter.

I decided to take this tradition and youth-ify it a little so I could introduce it to my teens at youth group this Sunday. Seems like a great way to kick off Lent to me!

The teens have all been told to bring a palm-sized pebble to youth group this weekend, but they're not sure what it's for yet. I like to keep 'em in the dark sometimes. Makes it more fun.

After a guided meditation, in which the teens will imagine themselves in conversation in Jesus, they'll take a look at this word splash I created and pick out the word they feel Jesus calling them to the most. Whether it's something they need more of (wisdom, strength, joy), something they need to work on (chastity, forgiveness, patience), or something they just feeling calling out to them (blessed, nourish, justice), the hope is that they'll hone in on one word and just know it was specifically chosen for them by Jesus as their Lenten focus.

Once they choose the word that is really speaking to them, they'll write the word on their pebble and take it with them as a reminder of the word they've been called to pray and meditate on for the next 40 days.

After creating the word splash, I found myself excited to share it with all of you, and for a few reasons...

1.) Isn't it pretty??

2.) Ok, more importantly, isn't this a great little Lenten tradition? If you're feeling called, I encourage you to say a quick prayer, take a look at the word splash above, and pick out the word that Jesus is calling you to most this Lent. It may take a minute or two, maybe even just a millisecond, but I'm sure you'll connect with one special word, and that word will lead you somewhere special this Lent.

3.) Sometimes I feel like the options for Lent can be overwhelming. Give up this, take on that, be a perfect angel, pray every second of every day or else you're DOING IT WRONG. The truth is, that's not the truth at all. But it's all too easy to take on too much and lose focus in the middle of all this Lenten hubbub. So if you're like me and you just need an overall unifying theme (i.e. word) to keep your focus this time around, hopefully praying for and discovering the perfect word meant for your Lenten journey will be helpful. And fruitful. And God-ful. Amen.

And if you do pick out that perfect word, I encourage you to write it on a pebble or in your journal or on your mirror or just somewhere good. Pick a place that will continue to remind you to stay focused on your God-given word during this Lenten season.

I'll be praying for all of you, for a peaceful, prayerful, and fruitful Lent.

+:o)

How I Met My Husband

A little over four years ago, I was living in St. Louis, MO as a full time volunteer with the Jesuit Volunteer Corps. This organization takes recent college grads from across the country and places them, for a year, in major US cities doing social justice work. When you are placed in your city, they put you up in a house with the other volunteers who have also been assigned there. Upon arriving in St. Louis, I met my four roomates, or community members: Mary, Alex, Justin, and Greg. They were all pretty neat. And once a week, we were asked to plan community nights, where we'd hang out and get to know more about each other. We took turns planning the nights and did things like bowling, playing board games, or working on art projects.

My St. Louis JVC Community: Alex, me, Greg, Justin, and Mary

One evening in mid-February, it was Justin's turn to plan the community night. He emailed all of us earlier in the day and said, "Surprise! We're all going speed dating!"

My insta-response (in my head) was, "WHAT?! Is that boy crazy?" I had only seen speed dating in the movies or on TV, and it was always portrayed as an extremely awkward thing. Why would I want to put myself through that?! I also had an assumption that it was only for the older crowd, as in, for folks who hadn't just graduated from college, like myself. What was he getting us all into?

Justin explained that it was for a good cause and that was why he had signed us all up in the first place. Ya see, it was being put on by the St. Vincent de Paul Society and all procedes from the night would benefit them. That made me feel a liiiittle bit better about it. Then, we also learned that the event had mostly been advertised to Catholics in their early twenties to early thirties. That made me feel even better. Maybe this night would be fun after all?

After dressing to impress, we all headed out to the event together. We arrived, walked into the room and...

I started freaking out! Ahhh! So many unknown people! So much schmoozing to be done! What if my outfit is lame? What if I have bad breath? What if I say something mega-awkward?! I knew this was a bad idea!!

My roommate, Mary, calmed me down a bit as we approached the sign-in table. We each received an individualized card that had the names of all of our dates on it, in order of the dates, as well as a name tag. 21 men's names were on my list. I was going to meet and date 21 men in one evening! Intimidating, right?

Since we had arrived a few minutes early, we killed some time by looking around the room at our "potentials," if you will. Of all the people there, the only one that stood out was a cute, tall and skinny, curly-haired, professionally dressed young man with precious nerdy glasses and handsome blue eyes. I noticed his name tag said "John" and quickly referred to my card of dates. He was near the bottom, so I knew I wouldn't be meeting him for a while, but I was happy to see he was on there. I made a mental note to be on my extra best behavior by the time my date with him came around, then nervously made my way over to my seat.

The coordinator of the event spent a few minutes going over the basics of the evening:

1.) Dates are 5 minutes long. Talk about whatever you want.
2.) When the bell rings, men move to their next date while women stay seated and wait for their next date to come to them. Classy!
3.) At the end of your date, next to your date's name, circle either YES or NO. If you circle YES, you are interested in another date. If you circle NO, you're not.
4.) Cards are collected at the end of the evening and processed by the coordinators of the event.
5.) If you get a mutual YES with someone on your list, the coordinators will send you that person's contact information. If you say YES and that person says NO (or the other way around), no contact information is exchanged.

And then she rang the bell. Dinnnnnng.

I was still nervous, but as the dates went on, the evening got easier and more fun. I definitely repeated myself a lot - "Hi, I'm Stephanie from Rhode Island. I'm living in St. Louis for the year as a volunteer. I teach science at an all-boys middle school for low income families. My favorite color is green. Tell me your story!" But overall, I had great fun meeting lots of new people and sharing plenty of good laughs.

By the time my date with John came around, I was a seasoned pro! And man, he was still looking cute by the time he got to my table. I found out he was a 4th year pediatric med student at St. Louis University about to match for his residency! He was intersted in residency in Cincinati, Houston, Philadelphia, Nashville... so many fun-sounding cities. He even asked me to help him rank his cities - a little bit intimidating, now that I think of it. Anyway, the date quickly wrapped up with another dinnnnnnng and I circled YES as soon as he left my table. Although it wasn't the best conversation of the night, I still thought he was cute and the perfect amount of nerdy. Did I mention that I lovvvve nerds? *swoon*

The next day, I found out I matched with him! He said YES to me! Yay! (And just in case you're curious, I matched with 6 other guys as well, though I never went on dates with any of them). I decided I wasn't going to email any of the guys. I wanted to be pursued! So I sat around, obsessively checked my email, and hoped they'd email me.

And they did! But I was obvi most excited when I received John's email. He asked me out to dinner or dessert or coffee or whatever I was most comfortable with. I decided on coffee/tea, since I wanted to go on a date I could easily back out of if things got weird. But things didn't get weird. It was a lovely first date (we don't consider speed dating our first date because we were sorta forced to date each other that night). I smiled so much, my cheeks hurt from smiling.

We stayed at the coffee/tea shop until it closed and swapped stories about life in general. We found we had so much in common - Catholicism, nerdiness, awesome families, taste in movies, etc. It just felt so good to find someone who lined up with me so perfectly! I even said to my mom a few days later, "I'm pretty sure I'm going to marry this man." :)

Looking back, it's so obvious that God had this plan for us all along. I would have never lived in St. Louis if it weren't for the volunteer program. And I would have never gone to speed dating if my roommate hadn't planned it. And John wouldn't have gone to speed dating if the Knights of Columbus (he was a knight in his college's chapter) hadn't sent him an email at the last minute begging the men to sign up for the event. (The speed dating event was very short on men a few days leading up to it.) That all had to be divine intervention. There's just no other way to explain it! So, thanks for that, God. You found me a good one!

Oh, and John later told me that at the beginning of the speed dating evening, he was surveying the room too and thought I was the cutest girl there. He also says that I caught him checking me out, but  I don't remember that at all. What a goof!

We just celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary a few days ago. I have lots of great pictures to post from our little anniversary trip. They're coming up next. Until then, I leave you with some pictures of our dating years.

On our second official date - a night at the St. Louis Orchestra

St. Louis Arch!

A month after we started dating, John came home with me to RI for Easter.
He was able to meet my Pepere, who passed away later that year <3 

John's med school graduation! 

At a Cardinals game in St. Louis

Celebrating my birthday in Houston. His present to me - that dress!

Hahaha - little Johnny! Sorry, I couldn't resist. I love this pic.