Friday, April 25, 2014

Birthmom Chose...

... another family.

And we're pretty bummed.

Our agency was very kind through the "rejection" process. They even told us a few details about the adoptive family the birthmom ended up choosing, to let us know that it really wasn't anything wrong with us that made her choose otherwise.

The baby's future family already has children. He'll have siblings. They live on a farm. They homeschool.

This is obviously not us. And at first, that was very comforting. Our childless home in the city just wasn't a fit for birthmom and baby.

But the more I thought about it, the more bummed I got. What an unfair disadvantage we have! And out of our control! We would be just like that family with several kids, homeschooling and living on a farm, if we could just get pregnant or just adopt already. We've tried nearly everything in our power to make pregnancy happen, and now we're working really hard to make adoption happen. So overall, it just left me feeling more like a failure than ever.

We are not yet the family we want to be. And the family who is everything we want to be just got chosen to parent the baby we've always wanted.

Sigh.

Ok, so I'm being a bit dramatic. Maybe we don't quite want to live on a farm. But I do want several babes. And I've definitely given some thought to homeschooling. AND I wouldn't mind owning a few chickens.

Double sigh.

This whole experience just leaves me with a bunch of WHYs.

WHY did we even show our profile? 

We told the agency we weren't going to really be ready until mid-June. So...

WHY did this "perfect" situation have to pop up?

We should have avoided hearing about this baby all-together. We should have just put our foot down and said: "No profile showing 'til mid-June!!"

WHY didn't God protect us from more heartache?

He already knows how much we've hurt in the past from all our failed cycles of TTC. Couldn't He have saved us from more heartache and just left this situation off our radar?

WHY do we never get a turn?

Are we going to be childless forever? Will we never get pregnant? Will we never be chosen? Will we never have our day of celebration and complete joy?

WHY did I let myself get so excited?

The agency was almost certain we'd be chosen. I could tell by what they said to us on the phone and through emails. My mother just knew this would be our little one. All of our friends and family were praying for us or thinking of us. We bought all the essentials. We just had a feeling we were finally going to have our day. And then...

WHY did she have to choose a family that already has children?

Ugh. Dagger to my already wounded heart.

WHY can't this just be easy?

I thought I had more control in adoption. I thought it would be less painful than TTC. Turns out I was wrong. This has just added to our sadness, anger, despair, doubt, hopelessness.

WHY must I find always find blessings in the most painful situations?


I just want to be a mom. Is that too much to ask?

Here are some more positive thoughts I'm having now, a few things I'm continuously telling myself so that I can feel better...

--That family the birthmom chose has definitely been waiting longer than us. Perhaps a very long time. It was just their turn. They are celebrating today. At least they have joy.

--Perhaps this little guy would have had challenges we couldn't have met. Or perhaps the adoption is going to get really complicated. I did ask God to place him with another family if it was going to be a hard ride. I'm clinging to the hope that us not getting this child was His was of protecting us. But I suppose we'll never know that.

--Other birthmoms will like that we don't already have children. Their little guy or girl will get lots of attention from us. And they'll like our home near the city. It'll mean that we are close to lots of museums and big parks and other fun family activities.

--Our friends and family have only been loving and supportive through this whole ride. I have leaned on many, especially John, since we found out yesterday. It's nice to know how many people truly care for us.

--I've learned how to better offer up my anxiety, stress, fear, sadness. Lots of you got prayers yesterday. Lots of you will continue to get prayers. I wish I could say they were selfless prayers, but they're not. They make me feel better. Thank you for letting me pray for you.

--This has all helped John to be more ready. We have not always been on the same page about adoption. I've always been the dreamer while he's been the one to bring me back to reality. He was very hesitant to show our profile. Attending the Empowered to Connect conference helped. Talking about where we see ourselves in 10 years helped too. And last night, after hearing that we were not chosen, he realized just how excited he had gotten, how ready he had felt. He was just as bummed as me. This "rejection" has helped him realize that he does really want adoption. And that's probably the best thing that's come out of all this.

So where do we go from here?

Well, we're back in the waiting pool. But instead of our agency having 3 other waiting families, now there are 2.

We now have time to take a newborn parenting class scheduled at our local hospital for the end of May. I was wondering how we'd get a chance to learn all those skills if we had matched with this baby due mid-May. So now I don't have to stress about that.

I think I'm going to take a trip home to see my family. We don't have to worry about staying put in Memphis anymore, so we might as well travel and see some loved ones before we do get matched.

I'm going to try to ignore the fact that we have a closet full of baby essentials and a crib set up in our spare room. It'll all get used soon, right?

And I'm going to keep trusting in God, as hard as that is for my human mind and heart to do. I'm going to trust that this little one really wasn't meant for us and that our day in the sun is coming soon. We will get to rejoice. We just have to keep remaining patient.

Sigh.

Mary Undoer of Knots, pray for us.


52 comments:

  1. Oh, Stephanie, I am so, so sorry.

    I wish I could hug you through this computer screen!

    The whys are so hard.

    I wish I had answers.

    But, I love that you were able to try to look at the positives, too.

    I'm just so sorry, my friend.

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    1. Thank you, friend. I wish we could hug through computer screens too. Hugs back!!

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  2. I am SO sorry about the pain that you are going through. I have never been in the position to adopt (single, can't afford it), but reading stories of adoption loss is just heartbreaking.

    But, wow, I am going through very similar emotions, though I am in a different boat, meaning, I yearn for passionately for marriage and have been extremely hopeful about a certain man for a while, which, like your situation, had "teasers" - things, or what we perceive as signs - that a situation is going to work. The teasers include your hearing about this situation even though you weren't ready. Why would God allow you to hear about this situation when you weren't ready? It's all about His timing, right? I'd have felt the same way you did. I'd be asking the same questions you are. My heart would be broken, I'd be devastated, just as you are. (As I said, I am all of the above for news I received yesterday concerning this particular man.)

    We are in pain for longings that are good - marriage and family - as our Church tells us. The unnecessary pain from teasers - well, we have different situations (though motherhood is elusive for me, as well, obviously), but I get it. I don't understand it - aren't we in agony enough? I'm sorry for you and your husband. Hugs.

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    1. I SO relate to everything you've written about here. While we're in different boats, the pain is really the same. I'm so sorry you have to feel this way too. It's crumby and lame and doesn't seem worth it. Hugs!! Thanks for commenting! Praying for you!

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  3. Ugh!! Ecce and I are so sad with you! Wow, this has to be so hard. We were so hoping and praying you would be able to adopt soon! Remember that this failure doesn't change anything about your great marriage and home. It just wasn't simply chosen, it doesn't mean that your home isn't great. I bet the temptation right now is to doubt yourselves as spouses, possible parents, and your home, but don't just don't! Your beautiful home will have a chance to transform some lucky child, I don't know when or where, but I can just feel it in my prayers. I know it is "dangerous" to say such things, but as one infertile couple talking to another I think it is safe to say and to hope. Also I think there was a reason why your adoption process has been streamlined so fast this year. I bet the agency sees a great couple in you! Moreover, let us know if you are ever in the Washington, D.C. area too. You are always welcomed to get away from it all by visiting us in D.C. ! Although, we hope you don't have to get away from anything. In any case, know that you have a 100% discount on lodgings and meals here :-). We even have a sweet pilgrimage spot here in the Basilica to the Immaculate Conception. In any case, know that you are in our prayers today in a real intentional way. Soon to be Saint John Paul II pray for us. St. Faustina pray for us.

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    1. You gave me chills with this line: "Your beautiful home will have a chance to transform some lucky child, I don't know when or where, but I can just feel it in my prayers." You feel it in your prayers? That's beautiful! Thank you for hoping for us. I'm sure I'll get to a point of hope again soon, but the next few days will probably be for recovery. And thank you SO much for those prayers. I'm sure prayer is what's getting me through today. You are and Ecce are so sweet for opening your home to us. I really hope we get to meet up someday, and soon!

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  4. Oh hon I am so sorry :( I was so hoping this was the one for y'all. Know of my continued prayers for you and John. (((Hugs)))

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  5. So sorry, Stephanie :( I'll keep you in my prayers today especially.

    One thing that struck me while reading this (and I hope this doesn't come across bad-- I do think you're doing a nice job trying to find the positive, and your reactions are natural) is that someday someone else may be dealing with a rejection and may be thinking "What a disadvantage we have! The dad is a doctor with a good, steady income and that is way attractive to birth moms! If only we could have that! Plus they live near the city with all kinds of fun things to do with baby, and baby will be their first kid and get lots of attention." And of course, that will be you and your baby. I don't think that this other family got the baby "you've always wanted"--that baby is still out there, and this was they baby that *they* wanted/needed. Your day to meet your baby will hopefully come soon, whether its your adopted child or your biological child. Hang in there, and God bless.

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    1. You are absolutely right! One day we'll be the family that gets picked and another waiting family will be somewhere else, grieving, questioning, sad, and worn. Our day will come. We just gotta keep hanging in there, like you said. I'm praying God will reveal His plan for us soon because I'm not sure my heart can take any more anxiety, grief, or feeling "left in the dark." God bless, friend.

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  6. Stephanie, again I am so sorry. But like Mr. M, I am SO HOPEFUL for you guys. I know that is taboo to say, but like Mr. M, from a fellow sufferer to another, I really do feel it in my bones. You are meant to love a child, many children I suspect, and God is moving mountains for you RIGHT NOW, as we speak. Hang in there and know that your faith and positivity in this situation is truly inspiring! St. Gianna Molla, St. Anne, St. Gerard, St. Catherine of Siena, pray for us!!!

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    1. Just like Mr. M's comment, yours is giving me chills too. "I really do feel it in my bones." Really?? It's probably strange or taboo for me to feel this way, but that gives me a lot of hope. Thank you for being so sweet during this rough time. You're a great friend and a great support! YOU are truly an inspiration. Thank you, friend.

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  7. I know exactly what your heart and mind are thinking...I was in a very similar situation recently (as you know) and I asked God "Why did this situation come to us if You knew the b/m was going to chose another family?" I know it was to make me/us stronger but I'm tired of being strong. I feel weak. Logically, I know it turned out for the best but my heart is just broken. Some of the other adoption situations we have had presented to us (the first agency we went with) those b/m's picked family's with children too. There is absolutely nothing I can do about that. I just know if/when we are chosen....it's going to be an amazing experience and when we look back...it's then we'll understand. In the present, it's tough. Everyone we have talked too about adoption has stated the wait is hard, there will be lots of hoops to go through but in the end, all is worth it. Praying for you as you cope. I found listening to music has helped me and keeping busy. God bless you!

    I didn't realize (nor did my dh) how excited we had gotten when we said "yes" to that child...it was unbelievable so I guess it makes sense that the letdown/rejection feels that much more painful. I just pray that if there is a next time...I handle it better...go with the flow..relax and try to enjoy the moment.

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    1. I thought about you almost immediately. I wish neither of us needed to know this pain. I'm so sorry. I'm hoping that time will pass quickly and we'll both hear about potential adoption situations again soon. I MUST keep busy in the meantime, good plan!

      I was telling my husband that I don't think I can handle the anxiety again. It was just awful! For the 24 hours I knew birthmom had our profile and was looking at it and making her choice, my body was a mess! My heart was in my throat. Please, God, make it easier on us next time! Help us to relax, go with the flow, enjoy the moment, not get our hopes up. Amen!

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    2. We knew our b/m was looking at profiles late morning last Monday...I couldn't think, eat, do anything until we got the email she had picked another family. I had a feeling when we didn't get a call by noon, we weren't getting picked. Rejection blows.

      You are lucky that you are now only one of two families waiting with your agency. We are among many with the one we picked. That sometimes is a hard pill for me to swallow.

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    3. Rejection does blow. As does this wait. Especially because there's no end in sight.

      Hugs!!!

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  8. Huuuuuge bummer! Oh I was so hoping she would choose you! Having not experienced it, I can't even imagine what kind of emotional roller-coaster you've been on. Sorry you have to wait even longer =( Praying for comfort for your hearts right now!!

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    1. Thank you, ecce. It is so nice to hear that we had so many people rooting for us, including you. It makes me think even more that this really wasn't meant for us. If we had a ton of prayer warriors and it still didn't work out, then God heard those prayers and used them to make sure exactly the right thing happened here. So, thank you, friend. Your prayers soothe my sadness.

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  9. So sorry! I think that we have submitted for at least 20 birth mother situations before we were even looked at. I promise you the perfect situation will come through. You will be surprised how many birth moms want their baby to be the first to a childless couple. Prayers!

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    1. Wow!! 20?!?! How did you even handle all that stress? I think our agencies must work differently, because we don't have to submit. They just call us and ask if we want our profile shown to a birthmom. If we say yes, it's pretty much automatically shown. But still, 20 times you felt it was right to show it!! Bless you guys!! I really am SO happy that you have matched now and that your little one will be with you in August, God willing. Prayers for you all! And thank you for praying for us. We couldn't get through right now without them.

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  10. I am so sorry. I know this cross, too. My husband I and were just reminiscing about the adoption losses we had before bringing our oldest son home...it was such a hard time. My heart really goes out to you. And much like you it made us pine all the more for a baby. Well, for us it has been almost six years ago since we brought that baby home, and he is the delight of my heart. The previous losses certainly ripened my heart...it was all the sweeter having him after infertility and our adoption struggles. And the sweetness hasn't worn off yet. :) I know it will be the same for you and your husband. I will be keeping you both in prayer until that day comes.

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    1. Reading this makes me feel less alone. Thank you for being willing to share some of the more difficult times in your story with me. While I'm sorry you had to feel these pains too, I'm happy to feel that connection to you over this. I'm really looking forward to the day we can bring our little one home, and our hearts will be forever healed and whole. Until then, your prayer and support, and the prayer and support of all our family and friends, will get us through. Thank you!

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  11. Oh, Stephanie, I am so so sorry to hear this news :( I can't imagine what it feels like. I will continue to keep you and your husband in my prayers. I am certain there is a perfect situation for your family out there and perhaps like you said, that baby was not meant for you but another one is. Praying!

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    1. Thank you, Katie. Thank you for the support and thank you for the prayers. I hope the two of you never have to know this pain! But if you do hit some bumpy patches during your adoption process, know that I'm here for you too! I hope we all get to meet our little ones soon. Prayers for the two of you!

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  12. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. In a way (minus the physical, of course), it is almost like a miscarriage... the hope, the expectation, the joy, followed by loss and doubt and anger.

    I truly admire your efforts to see the positives despite the pain. It is so hard to know or guess what birth mothers will find appealing, especially sine it can vary so widely. That roller coaster and wondering "What is wrong with us that we weren't chosen?" is the reason I am very reluctant to consider domestic adoption.

    Hugs and prayers during this difficult time!

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    1. Thank you, Stephanie. Your prayers and hugs are so comforting. I actually thought of you this morning and the post you wrote about international adoption. It's so true that this pain really isn't part of that process, as you don't have a profile that can be "rejected" and no one really picks you based on your personality or the life you live. I really hadn't thought of international adoption at all until after our home study was finished. It's on our radar now, but we've agreed domestic is what we're going to do this first time around. Still, I wish we could skip over this painful part and get to the good stuff, when baby is home with us. Sigh, patience.

      I actually was planning on writing a post about how adoption is like TTC and that was one of the points I was thinking of writing about -- losing a match is like losing a pregnancy, minus the physical. While I have never been pregnant and do not know any of the sorrows of miscarriage, I imagine it's somewhat similar to what we're experiencing now. We had all these plans for this little one, pretty much had a name picked out, bought a lot of baby supplies, told our families (that it was possible)... and now it's all gone. It's hard stuff, really hard. I wish neither of us had to know this pain.

      Thank you for your kindness, friend.

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  13. "Are we going to be childless forever? Will we never get pregnant? Will we never be chosen? Will we never have our day of celebration and complete joy?"

    Oh these deep, penetrating questions we throw up to heaven all too often in the land of IF that only seem to be met with crickets and a harrowing cut-to-the-core sadness.

    My heart aches and tears came down as I read this post. Sometimes I want to just tell God that this whole IF things is a bunch of B.S. and that he needs to throw us all a friggin bone or at least the table scraps. Seriously.

    Actually I do tell him that often...whoops. But then I realize that my human mind just can't understand God's ways. I am 100% convinced they are for our good though - Romans 8:28 All I know is that I don't know anything anymore. I am sure you feel that too. Control was lost long ago. Ugh.I can't answer your questions above even though I wish I could.

    All I can do is pray with you, beg God for an outpouring of more grace, and for peace to reign in your heart...and that one day (God-willing not too far down the road) your heart's desires will be fulfilled and that your joy will overpower this time of sadness.

    I will offer up my failed-cycle- LUF-shrinking-progesterone-butt shot for you both later. Gotta be some mad graces from that thing. :)

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    1. Amanda, this is such a sweet response! You even made me giggle a little with, "Actually I do tell him that often...whoops." Ha!

      Thank you so much for being so kind. And for offering up your butt shot for me. No one's ever done that for me before. I'm flattered. And also a little sad that you have to do that. Sorry!! :(

      That verse is perfect. Really, perfect. I needed to hear that so much.

      Thank you for your prayers. Please know of mine for you and Jonathan!

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  14. Praying for you, Stephanie. This stuff is so hard. I'm also praying for your daughter or son and his/her birth patents. Your "time in the sun" will hopefully come sooner than later. Your growth and ability to look for the positives in such a hard situation are inspiring to people like me. Thank you for sharing your story even though it is so difficult right now.

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    1. Thank you, girl. Your prayers mean so much to me! I wish I could say that I'm positive like that often in real life, but these past few days have just been slow and sad and crummy. The positives do help though, when I think of them.

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  15. Praise God for your honesty and vulnerability. It's beautiful reading those comments from women who know (or have experienced) what you are going through. But from a reader who has no idea what any of that is like (i.e., me) I value and appreciate how real you are (to readers and with Christ) with these crosses. You and your husband are in my prayers. Peace!

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    1. Thank you, Caitlin! I really appreciate the prayers so much. I hope you never have to know the pain of any of this. That's my prayer for you!!

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  16. Saying many prayers for you this evening Stephanie!

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    1. Thank you for your prayers, Rebecca. They mean so much!

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  17. I'm so sorry to hear, Stephanie! I know that nothing anyone says truly makes it better. The only thing that will really make you feel better is holding your baby in your arms- that's how I always felt. It can be such a hopeless feeling sometimes. We experienced this same thing so many times in our wait, so if you ever need someone to talk to about it, please feel free to contact me.

    I can't tell you how many times I felt so helpless and told Dan that I wasn't sure I could go through the heartbreak again or wait a day longer. The crazy thing is though, you will find strength that you never knew you had. And the cliche comment that "you will bring home the baby that you are meant to", doesn't help that much now. But I will tell you that in complete honesty it is 100% true.

    I am praying for you and hoping that your roller coaster ride coasts to an end very soon!

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    1. Oh, Lisa! Thank you!! It's so true -- the only thing that will REALLY make me feel better is holding that sweet baby in my arms. Everything else just seems like a lame consolation prize.

      Thank you for offering to be an open ear for me. I may take you up on that. While IF is so isolating, it seems like failed adoptions are just as isolating, if not more, since not many people go through this. I can't even imagine the pain you felt through all of your adoption struggles. Ugh. My heart hurts for you guys just thinking about it. So happy you have little Nate now!

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  18. This is a hard road, and i cant imagine going through that. I imagine my feelings would be the same too. Its discouraging when every step seems so rough, and full of disapointmrnt. Im glad your going to see your family. Hopefully it will be refreshing.

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    1. I hope and pray your journey is smooth sailing once you are able to focus on it again this summer! It is a hard road, for sure. Our babies will surely be worth it! That's what I have to keep telling myself.

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  19. Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts- reading this made my cry. It just isn't fair and there are so many 'Why's.' Continued prayers for you two!

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    1. I feel like I'm throwing a temper tantrum by all the "It's not fair"s I've said these past few days. But it really doesn't feel fair. Sigh. Thank you SO much for your prayers and support, L.

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  20. I am so sorry Stephanie. Please know of my continued prayers for you and John!

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    1. Thank you so much, M!! Your prayers are SO appreciated.

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  21. I'm so sorry! No matter how much you pray for that the situation work out in the best way for everyone involved, it still really hurts when it isn't you. Praying for you both and that you do get that match soon!

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    1. Very, very true. It hurts to feel "rejected" because it just makes me feel like we're unloved. I know it's not the case, but not being chosen is so hard. Even knowing and trusting it was God's will. Thank you for the prayers, friend! I hope we get that match soon too!

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  22. Adoption loss is so hard. It is like another CD1. It is OK to hurt and grieve this - we had several "fall-throughs" ourselves prior to having Luke, and each time we wondered if there was something we could have done. In hindsight, we know God used those losses to preparing for us to meet and adopt Luke, but it sure didn't make it any easier then and doesn't make it easier now for you. ((((hugs))))

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this. While I hate you had to go through this too, it helps to hear that it's really a normal part of the process. It really feels like a huge loss and likely won't stop feeling that way until our little one is finally matched with us and in our home. So happy you two have Luke!! And thank you for your sweet, supportive words. Hugs!

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  23. Praying for you in this incredibly difficult time, I wish no one had to go through what you're going through right now or feel the heartbreak that you're feeling. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way!

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    1. Thank you for your prayers, friend. And your support. I wish no one had to know any of the pain us IFs experience. Offering it all up! Hugs back!

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  24. Oh I'm so so sorry, Stephanie! Prayers and hugs, my friend! :(

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    1. Thank you, friend. Your prayers mean so much. Hugs back!

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