Birthmom Chose...

... another family.

And we're pretty bummed.

Our agency was very kind through the "rejection" process. They even told us a few details about the adoptive family the birthmom ended up choosing, to let us know that it really wasn't anything wrong with us that made her choose otherwise.

The baby's future family already has children. He'll have siblings. They live on a farm. They homeschool.

This is obviously not us. And at first, that was very comforting. Our childless home in the city just wasn't a fit for birthmom and baby.

But the more I thought about it, the more bummed I got. What an unfair disadvantage we have! And out of our control! We would be just like that family with several kids, homeschooling and living on a farm, if we could just get pregnant or just adopt already. We've tried nearly everything in our power to make pregnancy happen, and now we're working really hard to make adoption happen. So overall, it just left me feeling more like a failure than ever.

We are not yet the family we want to be. And the family who is everything we want to be just got chosen to parent the baby we've always wanted.

Sigh.

Ok, so I'm being a bit dramatic. Maybe we don't quite want to live on a farm. But I do want several babes. And I've definitely given some thought to homeschooling. AND I wouldn't mind owning a few chickens.

Double sigh.

This whole experience just leaves me with a bunch of WHYs.

WHY did we even show our profile? 

We told the agency we weren't going to really be ready until mid-June. So...

WHY did this "perfect" situation have to pop up?

We should have avoided hearing about this baby all-together. We should have just put our foot down and said: "No profile showing 'til mid-June!!"

WHY didn't God protect us from more heartache?

He already knows how much we've hurt in the past from all our failed cycles of TTC. Couldn't He have saved us from more heartache and just left this situation off our radar?

WHY do we never get a turn?

Are we going to be childless forever? Will we never get pregnant? Will we never be chosen? Will we never have our day of celebration and complete joy?

WHY did I let myself get so excited?

The agency was almost certain we'd be chosen. I could tell by what they said to us on the phone and through emails. My mother just knew this would be our little one. All of our friends and family were praying for us or thinking of us. We bought all the essentials. We just had a feeling we were finally going to have our day. And then...

WHY did she have to choose a family that already has children?

Ugh. Dagger to my already wounded heart.

WHY can't this just be easy?

I thought I had more control in adoption. I thought it would be less painful than TTC. Turns out I was wrong. This has just added to our sadness, anger, despair, doubt, hopelessness.

WHY must I find always find blessings in the most painful situations?

I just want to be a mom. Is that too much to ask?

Here are some more positive thoughts I'm having now, a few things I'm continuously telling myself so that I can feel better...

--That family the birthmom chose has definitely been waiting longer than us. Perhaps a very long time. It was just their turn. They are celebrating today. At least they have joy.

--Perhaps this little guy would have had challenges we couldn't have met. Or perhaps the adoption is going to get really complicated. I did ask God to place him with another family if it was going to be a hard ride. I'm clinging to the hope that us not getting this child was His was of protecting us. But I suppose we'll never know that.

--Other birthmoms will like that we don't already have children. Their little guy or girl will get lots of attention from us. And they'll like our home near the city. It'll mean that we are close to lots of museums and big parks and other fun family activities.

--Our friends and family have only been loving and supportive through this whole ride. I have leaned on many, especially John, since we found out yesterday. It's nice to know how many people truly care for us.

--I've learned how to better offer up my anxiety, stress, fear, sadness. Lots of you got prayers yesterday. Lots of you will continue to get prayers. I wish I could say they were selfless prayers, but they're not. They make me feel better. Thank you for letting me pray for you.

--This has all helped John to be more ready. We have not always been on the same page about adoption. I've always been the dreamer while he's been the one to bring me back to reality. He was very hesitant to show our profile. Attending the Empowered to Connect conference helped. Talking about where we see ourselves in 10 years helped too. And last night, after hearing that we were not chosen, he realized just how excited he had gotten, how ready he had felt. He was just as bummed as me. This "rejection" has helped him realize that he does really want adoption. And that's probably the best thing that's come out of all this.

So where do we go from here?

Well, we're back in the waiting pool. But instead of our agency having 3 other waiting families, now there are 2.

We now have time to take a newborn parenting class scheduled at our local hospital for the end of May. I was wondering how we'd get a chance to learn all those skills if we had matched with this baby due mid-May. So now I don't have to stress about that.

I think I'm going to take a trip home to see my family. We don't have to worry about staying put in Memphis anymore, so we might as well travel and see some loved ones before we do get matched.

I'm going to try to ignore the fact that we have a closet full of baby essentials and a crib set up in our spare room. It'll all get used soon, right?

And I'm going to keep trusting in God, as hard as that is for my human mind and heart to do. I'm going to trust that this little one really wasn't meant for us and that our day in the sun is coming soon. We will get to rejoice. We just have to keep remaining patient.

Sigh.

Mary Undoer of Knots, pray for us.