Wednesday, April 23, 2014

My Infertility Resume


We are a special creature, us infertiles. I've been thinking about typing up my resume of skills acquired through all our infertility trials for a while now. What better time to post such a list than during National Infertility Awareness Week! Laugh with me here...

Stephanie
Spouse: John
Religion: Catholic
City: Memphis, TN
Email: stephschweitz@gmail.com

OBJECTIVES
To make a baby with my husband.
To survive life as an infertile in the mean time.


EDUCATION
Marriage
July 2011 - present (and forever)

Being Infertile
November 2012 - present

Patient of a NaPro Doctor
May 2013 - present

Home Study Approval for Adoption
August 2013 - January 2014


SUMMARY OF QUALIFICATIONS
  • Knows how to time intercourse perfectly for conception. Is also willing to stand on head to move those swimmers along.
  • Can balance taking several medications at different times over the course of a cycle and never miss a dose!
  • Knows how to reconstitute a medication, fill a vial with it, then stick belly with the needle and inject. All with eyes open and minimal squirming/screaming.
  • Functions at work without skipping a beat while new medications are making me bonkers.
  • Maintains a smile while listening to ridiculous advice from people who know nearly nothing about what it means to be infertile.
  • Has an extensive list of pick-me-ups, such as silly TV shows or delicious recipes or a favorite wine, to ease the pain of another cycle day 1 arrival.
  • Lets it roll off my back when someone says I'm a CRAZY CATHOLIC for not considering artificial reproductive technology.
  • Has a glowing review of NaPro prepared and ready for sharing whenever necessary, especially when IVF comes up.
  • Is willing to travel hundreds of miles to see a NaPro doc, a doctor who'll actually treat my broken body, not just try to place a baby in there and hope it grows. 
  • Rocks some legit laparoscopy or laparotomy surgery scars. Is sometimes even brave enough to show them off in a bikini. We are warriors! See our scars! 
  • Turns even the worst of situations into a cheerful lesson, so as not to let on that deep sadness is stewing inside.
  • Can avoid taking a pregnancy test for as long as humanly possible. After all, we all know taking a pregnancy test just encourages your period to arrive an hour later.
  • Super in tune with every sign the body can produce.
  • Can change diet at the drop of a hat. If it means babies, it's worth trying!
  • Can find gluten free options at any restaurant, no sweat. (Wait, what do you mean sushi isn't gluten free???)
  • Will consider adoption even if adoption was never on the radar before marriage.
  • Knows how to politely correct someone when they say, "Oh, after you adopt you'll probably get pregnant right away!"
  • Knows how to politely avoid people who say, "Just relax and you'll get pregnant!"
  • Has a 6th sense for picking out the infertile couples in the room. Will engage in loving/compassionate conversation with any other infertilies encountered. May overshare at times. Worth it.
  • Still learning how to support others in carrying this same cross.
  • Offers up prayers regularly for infertile (or subfertle) friends never met in real life, but friends who are closer to my heart than many in real life.
  • Makes friends with every infertile, especially the Catholic ones.
  • Makes friends with every adoptive couple.
  • Allows myself to hope, even when things seem impossible.
  • Has learned how to draw closer to God even through this difficult trial.
  • Has learned how to really live out that "in sickness and in health" vow said at the wedding.
  • Can write a blog about all these experiences.


Whew! We sure do juggle a lot! I bet you all can come up with even more infertility related skills you've perfected over the past few years. What would you put on your infertility resume?


20 comments:

  1. Thank you for posting this! It is awesome!

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it. :) I giggled my whole way through writing it.

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  2. The only thing I would add, is something about charting... ugghh. Interpreting daily findings can be tough sometimes.

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    1. YES! Charting!! Great addition!

      Can read confusing signs and keep an orgnaized chart of all of them for doctor.

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  3. Hilarious! I love it!! Under experience I would add, "Travelled in the Valley of Tears" x number of years!

    And for qualifications, something like "despite an aching heart, able to rejoice with friends and family when they are blessed with children" and also being a godmother and aunt, and doing nice things for our friends' kids like treating them to ice cream and buying them Easter gifts =)

    How about also: have endured numerous ultrasounds that didn't show a happy bouncy baby inside but rather looking for abnormalities and follicles (that is special time off purgatory...!)

    and something about semen analysis...can get through unbelievably awkward intimacy with husband and "collection device" then throw on clothes and speed to nearest lab with specimen tucked in armpit...purgatorial!!!!

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    1. Ecce, these are all fantastic! I actually even thought about the ultrasound one! But you worded it WAY better than I would have. :)

      It's nice to know we're saving ourselves quite a bit of time spent in purgatory!

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  4. This was so funny! The things us girls with IF have done and will continue to do to bring a child in our lives. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. I know! We do some wild things for a baby!! Glad you enjoyed it. :)

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  5. Heehee, this made me chuckle. Yup we definitely are warriors in our own right! I would add "listening politely to a story about how so and sos third cousin's friend of a friend got pregnant after trying X treatment or supplement."

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    1. YES!!! That's perfect!! Glad it made you chuckle. Sometimes humor is the only way to get through all this crazy stuff.

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  6. I LOVE THIS! So creative and so right-on, while adding some much needed humor to our days :) Thanks for writing.

    What I would add is "Knows how to awkwardly side-step conversations/symptoms/effects of new meds with co-workers, in addition to learning how to cry in a bathroom stall with face parallel to the floor so that tears don't streak down your face." Depressing, I know. But a real skill, and kind of a ridiculous visual.

    P.S. Can't tell you how many times I've been called a 'Crazy Catholic'...never gets old!!! :)

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    1. I don't know about you, but I love being a "Crazy Catholic." Boom! Totally embracing that "insult" from now on. :)

      Your additions are so perfect!! Yes to both of them. While I've never had to cry in a stall facing parallel to the floor, I'm totally using it on my bad days from now on. Gotta keep that mascara looking fresh! :P

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  7. I am so in awe of people who can keep working while the drugs make them bonkers! I just couldn't do it.

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    1. YES! I'm in awe of folks who can do that working full time. I only work 4.5 hour shifts, so it's easier to disguise the loopiness. And then I can get home rather quickly to sleep it off. But man, an 8 hour shift while your body is going wild on new meds... I don't know how I'd do that! Prayers for those ladies and lads!

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  8. This was hilarious! You had me laughing out loud the entire way through. Have you ever thought about doing a parody of the comedy Prairie Home Companion by Garrison Keillor called the Infertility Home Companion by Stephanie? lol If you don't know what I am talking about with Garrison Keillor then look it up using the mighty Google. It is very silly and I think right up your ally of humor! Keep up the joy! Now here is what I would add:

    Well no resume would be complete without another section called "languages": and then we should all put "Infertilitish" - A new language invented for the trial of infertility. It consists of english mixed with a crazy dose of acronyms related to infertility such as but not limited to CD, AF, LUFS, TTC, BFP, CM, ENDO, FSH, HSG, RE, RI, LH, SA, PNV, SHG, PCOS or PCOD or PCO, 2WW, FFTA and my all time favorite IFGG. Ha! And you thought twitter lingo was hard to master #beatthattwitter #Infertilitish !

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    1. Bahahaha! Yes! A great addition to the list! Infertilitish!!! You are totally cracking me up over here.

      I'm totally googling Prairie Home Companion right now. :)

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    2. Thanks FF. And oh my wife wants me to point out that ENDO is actually an abbreviation and not an acronym. Strike that out and please add POAS or another equally ridiculous acronymn to the list. By the way, I think it may be high time for us Catholic infertility bloggers to blog together and create our own acronyms. I'm beginning with IFGG, which stands for "Infertility Gobbly Gook" when things are just that bad and messed up emotionally.

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    3. I was wondering what IFGG stood for! I just figured I was out of the loop on that one. You're too funny!

      I googled Prairie Home Companion and I've totally heard it before! My dad used to play it in the car when we were younger and I'm pretty sure we screeched, "TURN THAT OFF!" Hahaha! Don't think I'll be parodying that any time soon. But I love the suggestion. :D

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  9. This is fabulous! Thanks for sharing it!

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