As we continue to share the exciting news of our home study approval and our plans to adopt, it seems the average folk just doesn't know what to say. Except one thing. There's this one line most folks seem to have on auto-response.
"How exciting! Once you adopt, you'll probably get pregnant right away, because that happens all the time!"
Which leaves me standing there, distracting them with a pretty smile, so they don't see my eye twitching, as I wonder if I should be the one to break the news to them.
What news you ask?
Oh, just this news...
Only 3% to 10% of infertile couples go on to have a biological child after adoption.
And also...
Those numbers are exactly the same for infertile couples who stop fertility treatments, but don't go on to adopt.
Meaning...
Whether you adopt or not, you are just as likely (or unlikely) to have a biological child during your lifetime.
Ahh, it feels so good to say that to someone.
These are the facts, people! Sure, the studies aren't perfect. They're not easy studies to do. But they all tend to point to the same important truth. Adoption or not, your chances of conception stay the same.
So just 'cause your friend's sister's aunt adopted and then got pregnant a month later, doesn't mean it applies to all of us. In fact, it definitely won't apply to most of us.
It's the exception, not the rule!
Plus, what you're really, kinda, probably not meaning to, but definitely implying is...
"Just go ahead and adopt so that you can move on to having that biological child you always wanted."
Or, in other words: "Biological is best!"
And that hurts my heart.
Like an adopted baby is some how lesser than a biological baby.
Sure, adoption will have its challenges. It's not nearly identical to having a biological child. I get that.
But a baby is a baby is a baby. And our child is our child.
So for us, no matter where that precious babe comes from, he or she is going to be loved, and cared for, and part of our family unconditionally.
I feel like I need to add, I have absolutely no idea where our path will lead us. I could be pregnant right now. I could be pregnant 2 months from now. I could be pregnant right after we adopt. I could be pregnant never. Though, the truth is, according to our NaPro doctor, our chances of conception are good. Really good, in fact. But that doesn't change the statistics.
What I'm trying to say here is, even if we do get pregnant right after an adoption, try not to think of us that couple who just needed to adopt to get pregnant. Instead, think of us as that couple who pursued adoption even though we knew we'd probably get pregnant. 'Cause we're really open to both. Give me adoption or give me conception. I'll be happy either way. And I'll be doubly happy if we get both!
Can I ask a few favors?
If you've said "you'll probably get pregnant after you adopt!" to me before, first off, no worries! It's seriously a-ok. Clearly this is a widespread misconception about adoption. So I can't fault you for believing it. And honestly, I didn't (and still don't) know how to respond when it came (comes) up. So I guess I'm just as guilty at spreading the misconception by not correcting it.
But in the future, whenever you encounter someone interested in or actively pursuing adoption, there's probably no reason to bring up pregnancy. Just leave it out of the conversation if you can. Instead, you can help your friend talk through his feelings if he's still on the fence about adoption. Or you can celebrate with her if she's excited and on the adoption journey.
I guess that's all I'm really looking for when I share our adoption news. Excitement! Celebration! Encouragement! Love and joy!
So let's celebrate adoption! Just adoption. Not the possibility of pregnancy after adoption. Just adoption. Because that alone is worth celebrating.
Oh, and let's stop spreading silly myths while we're at it too. ;)
And that hurts my heart.
Like an adopted baby is some how lesser than a biological baby.
Sure, adoption will have its challenges. It's not nearly identical to having a biological child. I get that.
But a baby is a baby is a baby. And our child is our child.
So for us, no matter where that precious babe comes from, he or she is going to be loved, and cared for, and part of our family unconditionally.
 |
| No, not my newborn! Meeting my niece for the first time back in 2009. |
I feel like I need to add, I have absolutely no idea where our path will lead us. I could be pregnant right now. I could be pregnant 2 months from now. I could be pregnant right after we adopt. I could be pregnant never. Though, the truth is, according to our NaPro doctor, our chances of conception are good. Really good, in fact. But that doesn't change the statistics.
What I'm trying to say here is, even if we do get pregnant right after an adoption, try not to think of us that couple who just needed to adopt to get pregnant. Instead, think of us as that couple who pursued adoption even though we knew we'd probably get pregnant. 'Cause we're really open to both. Give me adoption or give me conception. I'll be happy either way. And I'll be doubly happy if we get both!
Can I ask a few favors?
If you've said "you'll probably get pregnant after you adopt!" to me before, first off, no worries! It's seriously a-ok. Clearly this is a widespread misconception about adoption. So I can't fault you for believing it. And honestly, I didn't (and still don't) know how to respond when it came (comes) up. So I guess I'm just as guilty at spreading the misconception by not correcting it.
But in the future, whenever you encounter someone interested in or actively pursuing adoption, there's probably no reason to bring up pregnancy. Just leave it out of the conversation if you can. Instead, you can help your friend talk through his feelings if he's still on the fence about adoption. Or you can celebrate with her if she's excited and on the adoption journey.
I guess that's all I'm really looking for when I share our adoption news. Excitement! Celebration! Encouragement! Love and joy!
So let's celebrate adoption! Just adoption. Not the possibility of pregnancy after adoption. Just adoption. Because that alone is worth celebrating.
Oh, and let's stop spreading silly myths while we're at it too. ;)
You just wrote something I have always wanted too! You are so right. I know people mean well when they say that, but it does leave you eye twitching and all... At least you have the smile on your face. I have no poker face, what I feel you see written all over my face lol.
ReplyDeleteI have had to give that awkward smile in response to the same comment about a million times. I will say that I haven't heard it in a long time though. I think over time people finally started to see the beauty and excitement of adoption itself. You are so right, your child is your child, no question. I think despite its own unique challenges, the adoption journey is such a blessing. It's one so very much worth taking
DeleteMorgan - Haha! I sometimes don't have the best poker face either, but I think I've perfected it for this situation. Thanks for the positive feedback. It's been on my mind for a while and I thought the best way to get it out there was to blog about it. :)
DeleteLittle Moments - I'm happy the comment died down for you guys after a while. It's true - it just takes folks some extra time to warm up to the idea of adoption because, well, it's not the norm. But it is SUCH a blessing. So thrilled that you guys have already been blessed!
DeleteThank you for writing this!! Those stats are actually really interesting, because I have to admit that even I thought there was something to this myth - I think we hear more stories about pregnancy after adoption because, well, at least I would love for that to happen! (because I really want a large family, not because biological > adoption or anything silly like that). So even my impression has been skewed. The point is: trusting in God for how he'll grow our families. (sooooooo hard some days)
ReplyDeleteThe trust is the hardest part! But I'm right there with you, I would love for pregnancy and adoption to happen at the same time! And without folks looking at us like we've contributed to this myth. That would make it even more awesome.
DeleteI love the statistics that you quote with that! That's really probably the best thing to bring up if it is appropriate to bring something up depending on how the conversation goes. And why is it that we seem to find adopting a somehow inferior way to growing a family? Family is awesome, no matter what.
ReplyDeleteNow if I just had some stats for people that said, "oh, you'll find a husband when you stop looking for him."
I wish there was a stat for that! I'll keep my eyes peeled:-)
DeleteI wish there were stats for that as well!! It's the same as "Just stop trying and you'll get pregnant." Oh really? Is that true? Then show me the proof! :)
DeleteI'm going to try to bring up the adoption/pregnancy stats more often in my conversation with folks. I just feel so awkward being like, "Actually, you're wrong and here's why." But I s'pose I can work on it. As long as I answer with love, right? :)
Love this! So well said.
ReplyDeleteThanks, E! I appreciate the support!
DeleteI wish I could repost this just about everywhere! The truth is, when someone is hurting they most of the time want love and not coined phrases... This adoption one is one that has bothered me because I really don't see how adoption is "easy." Most people don't have $ 20 to 40 thousand dollars saved up let alone know the kinds of emotional trials they will have to go through to until everything is final. There are so many horror stories of unfit birth parents changing their minds after the babies birth, foster parents fighting to adopt abused children who need to get away from the harm and they lose and so much more. Even after the baby is born, most states consider the baby a ward of the state for a year. It is good the process is tough to keep the wrong people out, but there is nothing simple or easy about adopting. Our own hearts have been broken a few times in trying to start the adoption process as most agencies wont work with people whose job keeps them overseas. We would love to be parents to as many kids a God would entrust to us but if only everything were as easy as the coined phrases make the out to be...
ReplyDeleteSo much truth here! It's certainly not easy! I'm more accutely aware of how this misconception is spread now that we're in the adoption process. I see adoption on movies and TV shows (they recently told an adoption story on Once Upon A Time) and it's always made out to be an easy process with no risk. Sigh. I'm sorry that you've had to face these coined phrases. I hope with time (and maybe more blog posts like this one), people will start to get the right picture.
DeleteI cringe whenever someone says that because of the implication that adoption is second best. It also makes it seem like our adopted child is a means to a biological child...that's no way to treat a person!! Well said!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you! And well said to you as well! This is spot on.
DeleteYes! Yes! Yes! A million times yes! I love this! Thank you for writing this! So well said and so important for people to realize!
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and supporting! I hope I changed a few minds by posting it. :)
DeleteI just wanted to say I am SOOO excited for you both. You all are such a beautiful Catholic couple and are about to make GREAT parents. We were in almost the EXACT same place as you a few years back. I didn't care where or how those babies came but we had been married for 4 years and I was READY to be a mother. So we just decided to knock on both doors (adoption and being open to conception). With me, my chances for conception were actually quite low though. I just reveled in letting God plan our family. And He did actually bless us with our precious daughter through adoption followed by a surprise pregnancy 6 months later. And here we are again, adopting again (starting paperwork!). At the end of the day, it doesn't matter where they come from, once they are in our arms, they are ours. While my fertility issues give me plenty of heartache, I find great peace in knowing that. And I would not have my family any other way.
ReplyDeleteYour words are so kind, LifeHopes! I'm so happy God has blessed you through both adoption AND biological children. You are doubly blessed! I'm also so excited that you're looking into adoption again now. How beautiful! Do you have a blog where I could follow your first adoption journey? And your new one now too? I'd love to read along!
DeleteThank you for this! I'd been told repeatedly that we'd never conceive, but found out midway through our second adoption that I'm pregnant. So glad to have some stats handy, since I've heard this myth so frequently in recent weeks.
ReplyDeleteWe'll finalize our older baby's adoption shortly before my due date, but oddly enough no one's told me, "Just get pregnant, and then you'll adopt." ;) I tell each of my three little ones the same thing: "God really wanted you to exist, and I'm so glad you're here." I'm just far enough along to look postpartum with our older baby, which really confuses people since we're an interracial family via adoption.
I'm excited for you and your future children, and will be praying for you in the months to come.
Ha! I love how you reversed it... "Just get pregnant, then you'll adopt." That's brilliant!
DeleteGlad this post was helpful! You must be SO excited to welcome another baby thru adoption and a bio baby!!! I hope no one tries to tell you that you just needed to adopt to have "your own kid" because "everything happens for a reason." Eye roll. So many bad cliches that need to be destroyed, pronto!
Thanks for the prayers! I'll be sending up some prayers for you as well!!