Wednesday, May 21, 2014

REAL TALK: I'm a Toilet Paper Snob

 Welcome to my new series, REAL TALK, in which I write about my opinions and sincere thoughts on various ridiculous things. Get ready for some real feels here, folks.  





Can we have REAL TALK for just a second? 

I'm a toilet paper snob.

Blame it on NFP and the flat toilet papery wipe required for each visit to the restroom... but I cannot stand cheap, thin toilet paper. It just falls apart as I try to twist it around my hand or as I, you know, use it. Ick! Go home, bad toiled paper, you're drunk!

Being honest here, I've sorta always known that I was snobby about toilet paper. Seriously, what kind of person likes wiping their delicates with near-sandpaper? But I didn't reeeeeally know of my snobbiness until I moved away from my parents' house back in 2004 and experienced a whole new world of bottom-cleaning stuff on a roll. 

Wait, why am I randomly talking about the horror that is bad toilet paper? 

Well, my recent trip home to RI jogged my memory...

For some reason, my parents only by this cheap Scott stuff. And I didn't know anything different until I moved away. 18 years of my life wasted with less-than-desirable wiping experiences. How do they live with that?! How do they ever convince themselves to go to the bathroom if they know their wiping experience is going to be that bad??

In addition to the worst TP ever at my parents' house, the only other toilet paper we used during our trip was at the airport. And we all know airports don't want to spend extra dimes, so they buy the cheap stuff too. Rawwrrrr! My undersides are crying. 

So, upon returning home to Memphis, I (including my bum) was very happy to be back to our apartment's thick, luxurious, sturdy toilet paper once again. 

And I'm not even sad that we have to pay a little more for the good stuff. Worth every penny.

Actually, I DON'T EVEN CARE if the toilet paper is on the roll the wrong way. I know, I know... this is a hotly debated topic. But it means nothing to me compared to the quality of the paper. NOTHING, you hear me??!

(Ok... but just in case you wanted my opinion on the subject.)  source

Seriously, they need to market the bad stuff and the good stuff differently. In my mind, they're not even on the same playing field, not at all, so they definitely should not be allowed to be called the same thing. 

From now on, the toilet paper that's essentially just a smaller, perforated version of the stuff you stuff gift bags with shall be called TORTURE PAPER. 

The good stuff, aka the stuff that makes it feel like you're wiping with a heavenly cloud or the fur of a poodle, shall be called the real TOILET PAPER. We can give it a nickname too, since it deserves it. I'm thinking something like... the happiest paper on earth.

Can a sister get an AMEN?


26 comments:

  1. I. Love. This.

    I thoroughly look forward to all subsequent Real Talk posts with your reviews and opinions. I agree with you completely on this topic. Our first year of marriage we skimped by on el cheapo toilet paper, I mean, torture paper. No more. As soon as we were debt free, we took limits off the t.p. and bought what we wanted instead of the cheapest available. We are quite happy now with this decision. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so happy you're past your TORTURE paper days!! Some things are just not worth skimping on. :)

      Delete
  2. Haha, this post is awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  3. LOVE it, thanks for making me laugh today!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're more than welcome. :) Glad you loved it!

      Delete
  4. ha, ha. You seriously have the best posts and start the best series!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you!! That's a high compliment. You're too kind!

      Delete
  5. Point well made! A friend of mine wrote a cute poem about cm observations each bathroom trip that I thought of while reading your post. I'll have to track it down. Dh and I disagree on the right way to put tp on the roll. I guess I'm the one doing it wrongly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, in my opinion you're doing it wrong, but I'm not sure there's any science to prove which way is right. It's more of a preference than anything else. :) So, no judgement here! If you get ahold of that poem, I'd love to read it!

      Delete
  6. I'm glad someone else shares my opinion on TP! When Luke and I first got married he went shopping and bought a HUGE pack of cheap TP and was so excited as he said "It was so cheap and look how much I got!!" and I was mortified and tried to explain to him that "we don't use that type of TP" I later spoke to my mom about it who shares my same opinion and said "I've just learned there are some things you can't be cheap about, toilet paper is one of them" (btw I am the same way about paper towels...and yes, I buy paper towels even though they are probably a huge waste of money, don't care). Anyway, that huge pack of TP Luke bought like 2.5 years ago. We still have it...and are still using it. It's taking forever to get rid of because I never want to use it. We put it in our guest bathroom and no one really goes in there (and when guests do come I replace it with the good stuff because I don't want them to think I'm cheap!) haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH NO!!! Those giant packs of the cheap stuff HAUNT me in my dreams. SO SCARY! And I can totally believe that you still have it. Oof. Sorry, Luke, but that was a BIG no no. At least he knows now. :)

      Delete
  7. I absolutely agree that it is a waste of time and resources to go for the cheap stuff! Really, why? You need so much of the cheap stuff to keep it from dissolving instantly, how much is it really saving?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES! That's true too. You basically use double of the cheap stuff to do what the nice stuff does. So it's not like you're really saving much anyway. Good point!

      Delete
  8. Charmin Ultra Strong (in the red packaging) - period, end of sentence. I will buy no other.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES!! I love that you have a preferred brand.

      Delete
  9. You need to start a website: www.tptalk.com.

    I would visit that site, and I would totally try brands that were well reviewed and rave about my favorite brand (don't squeeze the Charmin, y'all).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha!! Maybe that'll be my next website. :) Thanks for the idea! Would you like to be one of my expert testers/reviewers?

      Delete
  10. Mom and dad don't buy the cheap stuff, they have to buy 2ply because of the septic, you can't use the fancy coushy stuff with a septic tank. So just remember that when you buy a house someday!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I learned something new today! Thanks for the heads up. :) I guess I can't be annoyed with their toilet paper if that's their only option.

      Delete
    2. PS -- Hi, sister! It's nice to see you around these parts. :)

      Delete
  11. I thought you'd get a kick out of knowing that PP.VI has 1-ply Scott tissue in their bathrooms! I was there today and your post made me check to see what they had! Not the most CM friendly, but not the worst either! Hehe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What?!? You'd think PPVI would do a little better than that. I get a little annoyed when churches have bad toilet paper too because I'm thinking, "Don't they know that all us NFPers in the parish need better paper to read our mucus signs?!?" I know, it's a little sassy of me, but the thought has definitely crossed my mind once or twice... or ten times.

      Delete
  12. LOL!!!! I was also subjected to the 1-ply TP at my parents house and didn't know anything different. NowI HATE the stuff! I was always bunching up a wad of TP there anyway because it was paper thin and scratchy. Ughhhh.
    And I agree with you on the "right" way to put the TP on the roll. It just makes things easier! :-D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! I was a TP wadder too! But only because that's the only way to make the 1-ply stuff comfortable. Then, when we learned Creighton and I had to fold the paper around my hand, that's when I reeeeally realized how bad the 1-ply stuff was. Glad we agree on the way TP goes on the roll. Luckily my husband and I agree too. Phew!

      Delete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...