To All You Still in the Thick of It

I've been thinking of you all a lot lately. And I wanted to say I'm sorry.

I'm so, so very sorry.

I'm so sorry you still feel the pain of infertility day in and day out.

I'm so sorry that pretty much every post I make from here on out is going to remind you of your pain.

I'm so sorry that you have to put on a happy, supportive face whenever you stop by these here parts of the internet.

I'm so sorry I couldn't take you with me when I left the infertile island.

I wish I could bridge the gap, but I have no idea where to start.

I just want you here on this other side with me. I want you here so bad, it hurts.

I want you to know what it feels like to take a pregnancy test and actually have it turn positive.

I want you to know what it feels like to tell the world that you're pregnant and have each person respond with only the purest joy that ever existed.

I want you to know what it feels like to finally get to buy all those maternity clothes and baby necessities you've always wanted.

I want you to know what it feels like to not have to cringe, or cry, or hide when another friend announces another pregnancy.

I want you to know what it feels like to have a little one growing inside you, kicking and squirming at the most random times, bringing a smile to your face with each and every movement, no matter what time of day.

I want you to know what it feels like to finally have dreams come true after helplessly hoping for so long.

I want you here so bad, it hurts. 

I want to take away your pain.

And if I could, I would in a heartbeat. Because I know now, more than ever, that your pain was never supposed to exist.

I know this simply because of how right it feels to be on the other side.

And knowing and feeling that makes me hurt for you all the more.

Infertility was never supposed to happen. You were not supposed to have to suffer so hard, so long, and so alone. You were not supposed to be so horribly cursed.

Why can't I take it away?

I'm sorry that all I have for you now is prayers.

And support, if you ever need it, but I also understand how that might sting coming from a pregnant gal.

I'm so sorry.

Just because it seems like I've moved on in many ways, doesn't mean I've forgotten you. Far from it. In fact, I think of you all now more than ever.

Know that I'm angry for you.

I hurt for you.

I question for you.

I think often of you.

I'm praying for you.

Lord, please take it. Take their pain away. Take their suffering. Take their sadness, their loneliness, their barrenness.

Let them feel alive again.

Free them from the chains of infertility.

Let them be joyful. Let them be fruitful.

And let me remember always to keep them in my heart.

Amen.