Monday, February 23, 2015

To All You Still in the Thick of It

I've been thinking of you all a lot lately. And I wanted to say I'm sorry.

I'm so, so very sorry.

I'm so sorry you still feel the pain of infertility day in and day out.

I'm so sorry that pretty much every post I make from here on out is going to remind you of your pain.

I'm so sorry that you have to put on a happy, supportive face whenever you stop by these here parts of the internet.

I'm so sorry I couldn't take you with me when I left the infertile island.

I wish I could bridge the gap, but I have no idea where to start.

I just want you here on this other side with me. I want you here so bad, it hurts.

I want you to know what it feels like to take a pregnancy test and actually have it turn positive.

I want you to know what it feels like to tell the world that you're pregnant and have each person respond with only the purest joy that ever existed.

I want you to know what it feels like to finally get to buy all those maternity clothes and baby necessities you've always wanted.

I want you to know what it feels like to not have to cringe, or cry, or hide when another friend announces another pregnancy.

I want you to know what it feels like to have a little one growing inside you, kicking and squirming at the most random times, bringing a smile to your face with each and every movement, no matter what time of day.

I want you to know what it feels like to finally have dreams come true after helplessly hoping for so long.

I want you here so bad, it hurts. 

I want to take away your pain.

And if I could, I would in a heartbeat. Because I know now, more than ever, that your pain was never supposed to exist.

I know this simply because of how right it feels to be on the other side.

And knowing and feeling that makes me hurt for you all the more.

Infertility was never supposed to happen. You were not supposed to have to suffer so hard, so long, and so alone. You were not supposed to be so horribly cursed.

Why can't I take it away?

I'm sorry that all I have for you now is prayers.

And support, if you ever need it, but I also understand how that might sting coming from a pregnant gal.

I'm so sorry.

Just because it seems like I've moved on in many ways, doesn't mean I've forgotten you. Far from it. In fact, I think of you all now more than ever.

Know that I'm angry for you.

I hurt for you.

I question for you.

I think often of you.

I'm praying for you.

Lord, please take it. Take their pain away. Take their suffering. Take their sadness, their loneliness, their barrenness.

Let them feel alive again.

Free them from the chains of infertility.

Let them be joyful. Let them be fruitful.

And let me remember always to keep them in my heart.

Amen.

26 comments:

  1. This post made me smile. As far as I'm concerned, there is no gap to bridge with me. Lots of love to you, S. I'm enjoying the view from here on watching you become a mother. God is good now even without a baby in my arms. I think of you often too. Thank you for posting this sweet message tonight. <3

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    1. You are very sweet! And posting this message is the least I can do. I just don't know how to be in both worlds. I'm so ready to celebrate this baby! But at the same time, I want to do it sensitively for those who can't celebrate yet, or may not celebrate like this ever. The best I can do now is pray and also let you all know I'm thinking of you. <3

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  2. So happy for you, I'm happy that you've left the island.

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    1. Thank you, Lucky. <3 I wish we could just all get up and leave. Or actually, I wish it never existed in the first place.

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  3. Thank you for these kind words. I can see how there would be a sort of "survivor's guilt" associated with infertility, as well as fears of the potential for secondary infertility. Thank you for your compassion and your prayers.

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    1. Thank you, Lauren. That's exactly the right idea, "survivor's guilt." Though it's more like a guilt for becoming the person that I used to be jealous of, if that makes sense. Thank you for such a sweet comment.

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  4. Thank you. Thank you for remembering, for the prayers, for all of it.

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  5. <3 This is beautiful. I would love to be off this island so keep those prayers coming ;)

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    1. I'd love for you to be off the island too! Continued prayers!

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  6. You're empathy is so sweet, and I really appreciate the fact that you still think of and support those of us still waiting, instead of jetting off the island and never looking back. I could see that being tempting. I'm so happy for you and praying for you too!

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    1. You are so sweet. Thank you for the prayers! And I'll never forget my time on the island. It changed me for the better and for that I'm grateful. Plus, I left some really great people behind, so that'll always keep it on my mind too.

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  7. One of the beautiful things I have found through truly Catholic infertility women, is that regardless of the side a woman is on, compassion, joy and empathy are always put first. I feel like I am still a tot on this road of infertility and blogging. Thank you for your kind words, but know that God's plan is above all. I hold hope that one day I will also find myself on your side of the fence.

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    1. Amen to all of this! Infertility really transforms a Catholic woman, probably any woman actually. But I've only felt compassion, joy, and empathy coming from the Catholic IF blogosphere. I was so blessed to discover such an amazing support system so early on.

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  8. You have a beautiful heart and soul! Thank you for your kind words and prayers. They mean so much, and we are so happy for you and the little one growing inside.

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    1. You have a beautiful heart and soul too! And I'm so happy you guys are one big step closer to adoption!!

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  9. We are still following you and appreciate the joy you have in all of this! We are sorry for the lack of commenting or really any communication. We haven't been on the blogs or writing many blogs because since early December we have been moving from Costa Rica to Mexico. Our life has been non-stop transition.

    Thanks for being so sweet to all us who are still waiting. :)

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    1. Please don't apologize at all! You guys have some amazing things going on on your end right now and I'm blessed to be able to follow your story. :)

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  10. Amen friend. You have such a beautiful soul!

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  11. This is so beautiful! You have a beautiful heart. I really appreciate the prayers.

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    1. You are very kind, and also have a beautiful heart. Praying for you ladies always!

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