Thursday, February 27, 2014

Not This Time, Girly

I really thought this month might have been it.

There were so many signs.

An old friend I haven't seen in over a year said she had a dream about me. I was pregnant with 6 babies.

I almost fainted during the Our Father at Mass this past weekend. I got really hot and clammy, my face apparently turned green, I had to walk out of Mass with my husband supporting me, just to go sit on the bathroom floor and almost throw up.

I craved cheese. A big platter of cheese cubes. It was all I could think about for days.

I opened a closet and it was incredibly stinky. Though my friend didn't think so. He asked, "Maybe you're pregnant?" And I wasn't even mad. It just made me believe it even more.

And my body was not acting normal.

Everything ached. Every single muscle ached. Especially my lower back and neck and shoulders.

And I made it to P+15. PEAK PLUS FREAKING 15!!! I hardly ever make it to P+13, so P+15 was some kind of miracle.

Two days late, my body was being weird, friends were dreaming about me pregnant, stuff smelled gross, I had a craving, I almost passed out, I almost puked!!!

And then...

I got my period.

*head hits wall*

I was silly for letting myself think anything was going to be different this time around.

Actually, the logical side of me was all like, "It's probably just the HCG injections causing all the weirdness. Don't get too excited." So I didn't. But I still got a little excited. And so did my husband. He said he was happy at work all day yesterday because he thought there was a chance this was it.

His joy just breaks my heart.

Though, in all of this, here's what makes me most sad...

Fear.

More than anything, I was so scared every. single. time. I went to the bathroom these past few days. Afraid of what I would see. Afraid of letting everyone down yet again.

And I was afraid that even if I was pregnant, I would still feel the same way every. single. day. until that baby was born. That every trip to the bathroom would be a nightmare waiting to happen. Having to say goodbye to our sweet baby long before we even get to meet him.

Fear is so... scary! I don't want to be paralized by fear. I just want to go out there, grab life by the horns, and live the heck out of it all. Screw fear! Who needs it!

design by Emily Schneider

Sigh. Easier said than done.

Anyway, the good news in all of this is:

There's nothing like CD1 to kick your adoption-profile-making-butt into gear. And that's where I poured all my sad, angry, tired, frustrated energy. Our adoption profile. Tweaking every last picture, triple reading every caption, rewording half our blubs, reviewing it again and again and again until it was pretty much perfect. And now it's done. I ordered it this morning and the photobook gnomes are working on it as we speak. Ahhh! Feels good.

Oh, and I ended up finding a coupon for 60% off our order, so that was a sweet surprise too. Just the little pick-me-up I needed.

Oh, oh!! And my March Stitch Fix shipped today, so there's that too!

I'm gonna be ok, friends. Really. I'm a-ok. I just wasn't expecting to ever get that close without it actually being it for us. But maybe it's just a sign that my medications are really starting to work? That we're getting closer? That my body is slowly healing and with just a few more cycles, we'll be there?

Yes, please?!

Whatever the case may be, I'd prefer slightly less rollercoaster-y cycles in the future, thank you very much.

And now that I know my body can make it to P+15, next time that happens, it won't be as exciting. But I'm sure I'll still probably get a little excited. 'Cause that's just silly old me. This girl can't help but dream.

*rolls eyes at self*


22 comments:

  1. Ughhhhh!!! Hate. Hate. Hate. those tease cycles! I am so sorry. I relate to everything you said here, especially feeling so saddened by your husband's joy. Feeling like we let them down is the worst. I am blown away you found a 60% off coupon!!! You are such a champion shopper! I can't wait to see more of your profile book. <3

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    1. I hate hate hate that you have to experience this stuff too. But I'm also happy that I'm not alone. Thanks for your support, friend. <3

      I feel like I'm the internet coupon queen these days. Tell me if you're ever buying something and try to find a coupon for you. :) Also, it feels so good to have the book done! Want me to email you a copy so you can take a look? I don't think I'm going to post it here.

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  2. Awww, Stephi. I hate that you and John are experiencing this when you want so badly to have a family. I'm going to keep on praying (and praying hard) for y'all. I love you!

    I can't wait to catch up this weekend. I'm giving you a BIG hug when I see you!

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    1. RACHEL HUGS FTW!!!!!

      So looking forward to having you around this weekend. You will be my sanity. :)

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  3. oh goodness...It's not fun when your body plays tricks on you. HCG did funny things to my body as well...I hated going to the bathroom too...always checking. Ugh! Keep working on your profile...that will keep your mind busy!!

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    1. The tricks are the worst! And especially when you start a new medication, you have no idea what to expect. It can get very confusing and cause for devastating hopefulness. Sigh. Thanks for the support!

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  4. I can completely relate! I'm the same way with my cycles. Every once in a while I'll find reasons to believe it could be it and start to get my hopes up. And I have always coped the same exact way as you. I just dove deeper into working on things for the adoption. Prayers that your wait is almost over for adoption, pregnancy, or both -and I'm not implying that adopting means you will get pregnant cause that line drives me nuts too! ;) I'm so excited for you that the profile is done. It can just completely consume you, so I totally get the relief of finishing that.

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    1. I'm really happy to have the joy of adoption to balance out the frustration of trying to have biological children. It's so nice to have that still going for us, and going strong. Thank you for your prayers! I hope our wait is short too. :) But most of all, I just hope the wait is worth it. I trust in the Lord that it will be! And yes, that profile just consuuuumed my entire weekend. We must've poured 20 hours into it all together. Craziness. But I'm so happy with the finished product. So... worth it!

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  5. Ugh, so sorry it wasn't your month :-( Good for you for putting that energy to good use though! Whether adopted or biological, you're one step closer to meeting your baby!

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    1. Amen! I'm sad it wasn't our month too, but hopefully soon. Hopefully very soon. And I mean with either adoption or pregnancy. Soon would be awesome for either. :)

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  6. I'm so sorry!! That stinks, especially the roller-coaster of "maybe I am..." I can't express how much I detest that stupid rollercoaster! I try to say, "body, please just be quiet, ok? I'm ignoring you right now" but it's easier said than done.

    I didn't get a chance to comment on your earlier post, but the pictures were wonderful!!!

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    1. I like that line, "Body, please be quiet, ok?" I think I'm gonna use that in the future and maybe turn it into a prayer. "God, please make my body be quiet, especially if tomorrow's just going to be CD1. Amen."

      I'm glad you liked the pictures! I think they turned out great too. All it takes is a mediocre camera and a nice friend. :)

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  7. Sorry it wasn't your time! I hate these types of cycles. I had one last month...2 days late...convinced I was pregnant...day dreaming about how to tell everyone...then bam, AF arrived. The first of three days I happened to be directing a conference for college students. I am convinced conversions took place because of the suffering my heart was offering up. Allow Jesus to use your suffering...it sucks but is truly powerful when united to the cross. You probably already know and do that though, so sorry I can't offer you more! I am glad you were able to channel the energy into something positive such as the adoption profile. I would love to see it when you are done! God bless and take care, Stephanie.

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    1. I love how you were able to offer up the suffering for the good of others. Beautiful! Allowing Jesus to use my suffering is a new thing for me. Kat (blogger at The Crows Nest) introduced me to it a few months ago when I had a reeeeeally bad CD1. I'm trying to embrace it and use it more now. It is helpful, and it especially makes me feel like my sadness and suffering isn't just a waste of time. And that makes the cross a lot lighter, especially in the worst moments. I'll email you a copy of the profile later today. :)

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  8. AF coming a little bit late is the worst, what a rough week!! Hope your profile comes soon.

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    1. Thank you!! It truly is the worst. That false hope ends up hurting so much.

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  9. Sorry you had to ride some extra loops on the roller coaster this time!

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    1. Thank you, CM! And I usually like roller coasters... Just never the metaphorical ones. Sigh.

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  10. Ugh - I hate these cycles. I remember that first P+15 cycle, it just seemed so unnecessarily cruel.

    Prayers for you!

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    1. So cruel! I'm sorry you had to experience it too! Thank you for the prayers, friend.

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