Not This Time, Girly

I really thought this month might have been it.

There were so many signs.

An old friend I haven't seen in over a year said she had a dream about me. I was pregnant with 6 babies.

I almost fainted during the Our Father at Mass this past weekend. I got really hot and clammy, my face apparently turned green, I had to walk out of Mass with my husband supporting me, just to go sit on the bathroom floor and almost throw up.

I craved cheese. A big platter of cheese cubes. It was all I could think about for days.

I opened a closet and it was incredibly stinky. Though my friend didn't think so. He asked, "Maybe you're pregnant?" And I wasn't even mad. It just made me believe it even more.

And my body was not acting normal.

Everything ached. Every single muscle ached. Especially my lower back and neck and shoulders.

And I made it to P+15. PEAK PLUS FREAKING 15!!! I hardly ever make it to P+13, so P+15 was some kind of miracle.

Two days late, my body was being weird, friends were dreaming about me pregnant, stuff smelled gross, I had a craving, I almost passed out, I almost puked!!!

And then...

I got my period.

*head hits wall*

I was silly for letting myself think anything was going to be different this time around.

Actually, the logical side of me was all like, "It's probably just the HCG injections causing all the weirdness. Don't get too excited." So I didn't. But I still got a little excited. And so did my husband. He said he was happy at work all day yesterday because he thought there was a chance this was it.

His joy just breaks my heart.

Though, in all of this, here's what makes me most sad...

Fear.

More than anything, I was so scared every. single. time. I went to the bathroom these past few days. Afraid of what I would see. Afraid of letting everyone down yet again.

And I was afraid that even if I was pregnant, I would still feel the same way every. single. day. until that baby was born. That every trip to the bathroom would be a nightmare waiting to happen. Having to say goodbye to our sweet baby long before we even get to meet him.

Fear is so... scary! I don't want to be paralized by fear. I just want to go out there, grab life by the horns, and live the heck out of it all. Screw fear! Who needs it!


design by Emily Schneider

Sigh. Easier said than done.

Anyway, the good news in all of this is:

There's nothing like CD1 to kick your adoption-profile-making-butt into gear. And that's where I poured all my sad, angry, tired, frustrated energy. Our adoption profile. Tweaking every last picture, triple reading every caption, rewording half our blubs, reviewing it again and again and again until it was pretty much perfect. And now it's done. I ordered it this morning and the photobook gnomes are working on it as we speak. Ahhh! Feels good.

Oh, and I ended up finding a coupon for 60% off our order, so that was a sweet surprise too. Just the little pick-me-up I needed.

Oh, oh!! And my March Stitch Fix shipped today, so there's that too!

I'm gonna be ok, friends. Really. I'm a-ok. I just wasn't expecting to ever get that close without it actually being it for us. But maybe it's just a sign that my medications are really starting to work? That we're getting closer? That my body is slowly healing and with just a few more cycles, we'll be there?

Yes, please?!

Whatever the case may be, I'd prefer slightly less rollercoaster-y cycles in the future, thank you very much.

And now that I know my body can make it to P+15, next time that happens, it won't be as exciting. But I'm sure I'll still probably get a little excited. 'Cause that's just silly old me. This girl can't help but dream.

*rolls eyes at self*