Monday, November 18, 2013

The Grass is Just as Green on the Other Side

This time last week, I was feeling pretty low. So I posted about it, got some support and prayers, felt a little better, and spent some time trying to recover spiritually.

I'm certainly not 100% healed. Re-reading what I wrote last week, I notice I still have some of the same feelings of anger and abandonment stirring inside me, which makes me realize I carry this stuff with me every day, whether or not I'm aware of it. The infertility world is just a bummer of a world to be a part of and I will likely spend every day wishing I wasn't in it until the day we become parents. I know that sounds horrible, and honestly, it pretty much is, but I made a realization after I posted about my bummer of a day last week that made me feel less abandonedment, less anger. And it was related to this question I asked...


"Why do I have to suffer while others out there are getting exactly what they want as soon as they want it?"


The answer is: They don't.

Though the question was supposed to be broad (i.e. wasn't just related to babies), since I have a pretty one track mind these days, I started reflecting on all of my friends who have children or who have gotten pregnant easily. And I quickly started to realize that not one of them have actually had it easy. They may not struggle with infertility, but they all have some sort of cross they carry.

One friend had two miscarriages (and was told by a doctor she needed to have three miscarriages before they could help her) before she got pregnant with a little one that stuck. She also struggles to make ends meet financially and really dislikes her living situation.

Another friend got pregnant when they weren't trying, ended up nearly going blind during her pregnancy because of a disorder, and only retained some vision because of an emergency surgery during her third trimester. When her babe was only a year old, she ended up in the hospital again with very serious blood clot. 

Another friend was extremely sick during her entire pregnancy and had to have an emergency delivery. She may not be able to have children in the future.

A few other friends have gotten pregnant very, very easily but have turmoil in their marriages. Or have struggled in being faithful to their spouse. Or have a close relative who is sick. Or have massive debt. Or have no self esteem.

The more people with children I thought about, the more I realized no one has it easy. And when I did finally think of a few people who "had it easy" I realized I didn't actually know much about them. They were the people I once knew in real life, but now only know through Facebook posts. And we all know that people can paint a pretty picture of their lives on Facebook without actually having a pretty life in real life. 

The point here is we all have our crosses.

Yes, I already knew that. I think it's one of those things we all start to become aware of while we transition from adolescence into adulthood. So it's not like I'm sharing anything new here. 

But what helped me in all of this was realizing that no one is getting exactly what they want when they want it. Sure, they might be able to get pregnant easily, but there's very likely something else going on in their life that isn't going exactly the way they want it. 

So I guess that's one less thing to be sad and mopey and bummed out about next time I'm in a funk. Not that I'm happy that everyone's suffering. I'm just happy that I've realized jealously is never fruitful

(Duh! Isn't that something we all learned in grade school? Sorry... sometimes I'm a little behind with these "life lessons.")

On a happier note...

One of the messages I texted my husband on my day of sadness last week was, "I just want to get away. I don't want to be in Memphis living this life right now. Can we please just go somewhere else and be someone else for a while?" While I admit now that that was pretty dramatic, he took the hint that I just needed a little getaway, a little break. So this past weekend, we drove about 3 hours west to Hot Springs, Arkansas, and enjoyed ourselves a one-night getaway from reality. I've got some pictures and some stories to share of our adventure, but I'll save those for next time. :)


18 comments:

  1. I'm so glad that you're feeling better and that you were able to sneak away for a little getaway!

    I also had a miscarriage before becoming pregnant with Monica. While it was hard to lose that baby at 6 weeks, it makes having Monica so much sweeter.

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    1. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. But it's true, you do have a wonderful little girl now. :)

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  2. Argh!!! I had a really long, nice comment and I don't know what happened. I'll try again. First, what you said about Facebook, totally true and that's why sometimes we need to stay away. Now, I know it's not the same thing but I do tend to look at other people's lives (mostly friends and the moms at school) and think that just because they have a lot of money, their lives are perfect or easy. Digging deeper, I have found out that they also have crosses. Second, I have nominated you for a Liebster Award and you can read all about it here
    http://sayiniloveu.blogspot.com/2013/11/liebster-means-dearest.html

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    1. Grrrr. I don't like it when the internet eats my well thought out comments! Sorry 'bout that!

      I've thought about quitting Facebook recently, mostly because I can't handle all the baby photos and baby announcements and baby baby baby stuff anymore. But there are a few Facebook groups I'm a part of that I would miss. I also run a Facebook group for my youth group, so I kinda feel like I need to stay on there. Maybe I just need to stop checking my newsfeed. Hrmmm...

      Thanks for the award!! You are so sweet. :) Let's see if I can find some time to make a post about it. You're awesome!

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  3. So true about everyone carrying some sort of cross. The grass is not always greener in the other side... I have seen a quote that said: if your grass is not green enough, water it!

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    1. I love this!! I've also heard, "If the grass is greener on the other side, fertilize your own."

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  4. True a million times over!! It reminds me of that scene from Downton Abbey (season 2, and not a spoiler) where Mr. Lang is suffering from PTSD from WWI but gets so absorbed in his own pain that he forgets that others are suffering losses from the war too..."you're not the only one that's hurting" says one of the characters. Life is hard for everyone, at least some of the time. That's why it's so great to have "Simons" to help each other carry our crosses =)

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    1. You know what's funny? After I posted this, I thought about the horribly traumatic end to Downton Abbey season 3 and almost went back and put that in as an example of people with babies having other crosses to bare. Gahh! Love Downton Abbey.

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    2. I haven't watched season 3 yet!!!!! but I know what happens...it's impossible not to know...oh well!

      Also, I meant to add: I love that you titled this post the way you did, instead of "the grass is just as brown on the other side" =)

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    3. Oops! I hope I didn't give too much away. I guess it's a good thing I didn't include the example in the original post because I was planning on being a bit more detailed. I hope you love season 3 once you get to it. :)

      Thanks for pointing out my "glass is half full" title, though I guess I didn't give much thought to it. Honestly, using "brown" instead of "green" probably fits the ideas in the post a little better anyway. Glad I didn't think about it too much before I posted it. :)

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  5. Well said. I find that when I leave my infertility cacoon, I realiize the exact same thing, everyone is struggling in some way, everyone has a cross. Also good to remember that when we do become parents there will be another cross or opportunity to surrender right around the corner. Hopefully we will be better able to deal with it. Glad you got to get away, sometimes that is soooooooo helpful!!!!

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    1. "Also good to remember that when we do become parents there will be another cross or opportunity to surrender right around the corner."

      There probably will be, and I hope this cross prepares me better for the next, but I pray that there's a big break between crosses! And the same for you guys!

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  6. "Jealousy is never fruitful"…I need to have that stamped onto my forehead in the moments where I start to see green because of envy. And you are right, we all have our crosses, but of course mine seem SO much heavier in the moment. Two weeks ago, my two sisters and I were sitting around watching our kids at our parents house (4 kids ages 3 and under) and the one sister who has 2 kids says to myself and my other sister "come on, when you are guys going to have a 2nd kid. Seriously, you need to get going on this. B and P need some more cousins to play with" I almost keeled over and I think my mouth hit the floor, but I quickly turned away because I was so seething mad. How dare she say that? She knows that my DH and I have had 4 miscarriages, 2 of which have been in the last freaking year. Umm..yeah, I would love to give you "another niece or nephew" but honestly, it has been a bit difficult as of late. Ugh…sorry for my rant. Oh and thanks for commenting over at my blog. It is nice to "meet" you! ;) (And if you want to get away MN is very nice in the winter. I am serious…if you don't mind the cold, the scenery is beautiful with the snow and there is a lot to do for outdoor sports.)

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    1. Ouch. That was not cool of your sister. At all! "Seriously, sis, I'd love to give you another niece or nephew and all, but I'm over here dealing with a bit of infertility for the time being. Sorry that my suffering is causing you to suffer too." It was probably best you didn't say anything in your angry moment, but come on... she HAS to know how hurtful her comment was, right?

      I'll let you know if we ever decide to take a trip up north. I'm not a big fan of the cold, but I am a big fan of new adventures. And beautiful scenery and outdoor sports sound like a great adventure to me! You're also welcome here in Memphis, if you ever need a break from all that cold. Or from sisters' silly comments. :)

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  7. Yes! This all very true! I've also heard "comparison is the thief of joy." I love that too. Everyone suffers and how we respond to that suffering is what can make us a saint! I'm so glad you and your DH got to enjoy some quality time together:-). Praying for you!

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    1. "Comparison is the thief of joy." SO TRUE!! That's another good one.

      A friend on facebook just posted this one a few days ago, right after I posted this blog post: "We can choose to compare or connect. But when we choose to compare our insides to others outsides, we always lose." So, so true!!

      Thanks for the prayers. Offering up some for you guys too!

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  8. I ran across your blog searching for laparoscopy stories from people using NaPro doctors, and this post was so encouraging to me! I'm in Memphis as well! It's nice to know there's another couple in Memphis going through the same things my husband and I are (obviously not nice that we're going through these things, just that we're not alone). Sorry for commenting on such an old post!

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    1. Hi, Kayla! Thanks for commenting. So great that you live in Memphis too! Are you seeing Dr. Gray? Or Dr. Podraza? It is nice to know we're not alone, though it's never nice to know that there are more people out there suffering through infertility. Hugs and prayers for you! I'd love to chat some more sometime if you'd like! Email me. :) stephschweitz [at] gmail . com

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