If you recall, a few months back, I mentioned that we found a house! And made an offer! And, after several counter-offers, it was accepted. Woohoo!
Built in 2011, 3400 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, in an up-and-coming neighborhood, and complete with all the finishes we wanted . . . we were pumped!
If all had gone according to plan, we'd be closing on that house a week from today.
But, as some of you may know, house buying can be quite the topsy turvy process.
Everything started out great. We got the house for exactly what we wanted to pay. The inspection showed barely an issue. We got a great loan rate. Life was good.
But then the appraisal happened. Oof.
Our bank's appraisal came back $18,000 below our original offer.
*insert face with eyes bugging out here*
At first, we were kinda excited to hear that. We figured that gave us some huge negotiating room with the sellers and that we'd be able to get our dream home for an even lower price.
But then more details unfolded. We were told that the appraiser the bank had chosen was a conservative guy. And that he undershot the value of the house. So we agreed to wait around for the sellers to have a private appraisal done by a private appraiser of our choosing. Seemed fair enough. We were hoping this private appraisal would be close to the bank's appraisal, but maybe a smidge higher, and we were willing to pay that little bit extra out of pocket on top of our loan, since the house really seemed worth it.
Fast forward one week and the private appraisal came back $2,000 above our original offer.
*insert face with eyes bugging out and mouth hanging wide open here*
Folks, we weren't trying to buy a $1 million home here. Not even close. A discrepancy of $20,000 in appraisals is just flippin' insane for the price range we're in. Insane.
Upon closer inspection of the second appraisal, we found he used some . . . interesting comps, including two brand new homes half the size of the home we were trying to buy. And one of them had never sold before. Meaning the price he used as a comp was a price no one was willing to pay (at least not yet) for this brand new home. What the what?!
But the sellers were sticking to it. And understandably. They wanted top dollar for their home, and their private appraisal claimed it was worth it, even with the shotty comps.
To be fair, the comps in the area were limited at best. Few homes had sold near the home we were trying to buy within the last year, and of the ones that had, very few were actually comparable (built around the same time, nearly the same size, with similar finishes). So we know that was likely the cause of the appraisal discrepancy.
We tried to renegotiate and meet in the middle, but the sellers weren't interested. Our only options were to pay $18,000 above what our bank thought the house was worth or walk away. So we walked. And were super bummed.
(This was within a week of our miscarriage too, which just made everything harder and way more emotional.)
But God redeems.
The day we found out the house was going to fall through, a Sunday, we were at Mass and noticed two new houses were being built in the neighborhood right next to the church. AKA the exact neighborhood we wanted and had tried to be in. But nothing to our liking was available when we were originally house hunting, so we basically gave up on that dream and hunted elsewhere.
Can you believe it? Two brand new houses for sale exactly where we wanted to be. And on the exact day the other house fell through.
After the dust settled from all the appraisal issues (and a rude seller's agent who was very disrespectful to our agents over the whole thing), we decided to tour the larger of the two new houses in the church neighborhood.
A brand new home, 2200 sq ft, 4 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, beeeeeautiful finishes, and to be finished within two months.
While we loved it, we hesitated. 2200 sq ft just sounded so small for us, especially considering we'd like to be a bigger family some day. And storage space was super limited as there was no basement. And the bedrooms were tiny. (How can we stuff all the kiddos into shared bedrooms with barely any bedroom space?) And the kitchen was teeeeeny tiny, a far cry from my dream kitchen. AND the price per square foot was woahhhh expensive since you pay a premium for a brand new house. So we were basically looking at overpaying for a new house that we'd likely have to move out of within a few years since we'd (hopefully rather quickly) outgrow that space with just another kid or two. It didn't seem like a great investment. But it was exactly where we wanted to be. So we held off, but were discerning it heavily. I mean, talking about it allll the time. And praying about it. And really really really considering it.
It's funny how God works.
He must have put that hesitation on our hearts.
While we were touring the brand new house for a second time, this time with the builder -- he was giving us all the info on the unfinished details -- we bumped into a neighbor on our way to our car. He was just hanging on his porch and wanted to say hi. We got to talking and he mentioned that a house two doors down was going to go on the market soon, which was in great shape, much bigger, and would cost must less per square foot compared to the brand new house. While it seemed like a long shot, we kept it in the back of our minds and hoped and prayed it would go on the market soon so we could check it out.
"Jesus, we trust in You!" has been a mantra on repeat around here for a while now. It's so hard being in the middle of a discernment and having question marks over your future and then another question mark pops up. To wait for this other house to come on the market, and in the process risk losing the new house, or not?
Jesus, we trust in You!
Two days after the conversation with the friendly neighbor, I decided, what the hay? I called our agents, who've been soooo good to us through this whole process, and asked if there was any way we could get more info on a house that wasn't even on the market yet. I figured it was a long shot. I mean, what were they gonna do? Knock on this family's door and ask for a tour? But as it turns out, I guess that isn't weird at all. Our agents said they will frequently knock on peoples' doors if a client really likes the look of a house and ask them if they're interested in selling. Isn't that nuts? But it didn't phase our agents at all.
They knocked. The family answered. And we set up a tour of the house. All before the house ever hit the market.
Built within the last 15 years, 3000 sq ft, 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a wonderful layout, huge kitchen, mountain views, withing walking distance of our church . . . pinch us, we're dreaming!
We toured the house yesterday, put an offer on it last night, and we've signed a contract as of this afternoon.
Can you believe it?!
And since the sellers never had to work with a real estate agency on their end, they're offering it to us for a really good price. At least, we hope it's a good price! It seems like it is so far. Thankfully, that's where the inspection and appraisal will come in handy.
We are thrilled to have found a house so close to our church, with everything that we were looking for, and under budget. God is good.
And so that's where this big, crazy house-buying saga stands as of today . . . in case you were curious.
(Do you feel like you're inside the most dramatic episode of House Hunters ever, 'cause I sure do!)
Please join us in prayer as we embark on this
inspection/appraisal/home-buying path once again. We're so nervous after
our last house-buying failure. But then again, with all this falling
into place so easily over the past 48 hours, we're hoping that means it's really going to work
this time.
More updates to come!
Jesus, we trust in You!
Monday, June 13, 2016
Sunday, May 29, 2016
John Paul is One!
Just like that, our little newborn is now a little one-year-old.
I look at these month-to-month pictures and it's hard to believe he was ever that tiny. It's true what they say: the days are long but the years are SHORT. And what a fantastic year it's been!
John Paul Fulton, you are the light of our lives! It's a joy to watch you grow and learn and explore. You're such an adventurous little boy, and a little boy through and through. You love anything with wheels, but especially trains and hotwheels cars. You also love to climb! In the past week, you've climbed up onto the couch and up into your stroller by yourself when mommy was distracted for just a minute. You must love heights, or scaring your mom half to death, or both. But it's adorable. You've also just learned to throw and kick a ball, not exactly with any aim yet, but you're figuring it out. And you eat like a champion. I'm not necessarily speaking about the variety of foods, but definitely the amount of food. Your current favorites are peanut butter sandwiches, strawberries and grapes, pickles, any sort of cracker or chip, raisins, cheese, and hummus. Oh, and how could I forget . . . pizza! You'll pretty much give anything a taste, but if it's not one of the yummy foods I'v listed, there's a good chance it'll get spit out pretty quickly, or thrown to the floor. But you love exploring foods. Baby led weaning has worked so well for you and we're excited to watch your palate continue to expand.
You also still love nursing so much. We call it milkies. While it seems our nursing journey will be coming to a close soon, mommy still loves our milky snuggles before naps and bedtime and will be sad to see it go.
You've recently become a sleep pro. Your first year had its ups and downs when it came to napping and through-the-night sleeping. You didn't like being put down for sleep and you didn't like falling asleep without a ton of help. But now you usually take two two-hour naps a day and sleep around 11 hours at night. And we're incredibly grateful!
You've even learned a few words. "Dada" was first, soon followed by "Mama." You also love to say "hiiiii" to strangers and "arp arp arp" to puppy dogs. You say "yup yup yup" and shake your head up and down when you really want something and occasionally even say "NO" or your version, "OH" when you're being funny and trying to refuse something. You've also gotten good at copying us when you're feeling up to it. I've heard you say "socks" and "hello" and "ball" and "bunny" and "froggy" . . . never on your own, but repeating after us. Your sweet little boy voice melts us every time.
And oh how you love your daddy. You especially love going out on Batman and Robin adventures with him (as daddy likes to call them). When you return home, daddy always brags about how good you were and how you flirted with everyone around you. You truly are a ham. You'll yip to get someone's attention, then curl up and act shy once they say hi or try to chat back. Heart melter. You have the whole world wrapped around your finger.
John Paul Fulton, it's a joy to be your mom. Thanks for all the love and laughter. Can't wait to see what year two holds in store. I can't imagine our hearts being any more full, but I bet you'll find ways to keep the love overflowing.
To celebrate this big boy milestone, we had a little birthday party at the clubhouse and pool at our apartment complex. John's family and a few local friends celebrated with us and made the day extra special.
The party was originally planned for the park, but the weather was iffy and having it within a few feet of our apartment door actually turned out to be super handy.
The theme was blue and white stripes, with dark blue and light blue accents. Not the most intricate of themes, but I was trying to keep things simple. Who remembers their first birthday, anyway? :P
We ordered his favorite food: Greek food! Hummus and feta dip and pita and chicken kabobs and lamb . . . and he didn't eat a single bite because he just wanted to be playing with all his friends. It was actually pretty adorable.
"Mom, don't make me eat! How boring!"
We hid Hershey's kisses around the clubhouse for the kiddos to find. You would have thought it was
Christmas morning the way their faces lit up with each new kiss discovered.
While he wasn't interested in dinner, he did eat some cake.
And seemed to enjoy it. :)
We opened some presents!
And most importantly, enjoyed our time with family and friends!
And an unplanned dip in the pool.
Happy 1st birthday, John Paul Fulton! We love you, kiddo. Keep being you. Because you're seriously awesome. :)
Sunday, May 8, 2016
To All Women With a Mothering Heart
Today, I'm overwhelmed with conflicting emotions.
First and foremost, I'm filled with joy. To be able to celebrate this day as a momma to the most perfect, precious boy is a most cherished blessing. He fills my days with so much love and light and laughter. What a joy it is to be his mom.
But today, I also feel a great sorrow. I miss our little girl. I'm crying that I'm no longer pregnant and that I'll never get to hold her. What joy and hope she brought us, but what a hole she's left in my mommy heart.
And my heart also breaks for so many friends and loved ones who are reminded only of loss on this day. Loss of the dream of motherhood, loss of a child, loss of a mother or grandmother. My heart is with you all today.
This image especially spoke to me this mother's day.
So today, I'd like to wish a happy mother's day to all women with a mothering heart. Whether to earthly children, children no longer with us, or children we dream of having, we all deserve the love today.
Happy Mother's Day! <3
First and foremost, I'm filled with joy. To be able to celebrate this day as a momma to the most perfect, precious boy is a most cherished blessing. He fills my days with so much love and light and laughter. What a joy it is to be his mom.
But today, I also feel a great sorrow. I miss our little girl. I'm crying that I'm no longer pregnant and that I'll never get to hold her. What joy and hope she brought us, but what a hole she's left in my mommy heart.
And my heart also breaks for so many friends and loved ones who are reminded only of loss on this day. Loss of the dream of motherhood, loss of a child, loss of a mother or grandmother. My heart is with you all today.
This image especially spoke to me this mother's day.
So today, I'd like to wish a happy mother's day to all women with a mothering heart. Whether to earthly children, children no longer with us, or children we dream of having, we all deserve the love today.
Happy Mother's Day! <3
Sunday, April 24, 2016
The Littlest Saint
This is the story I never wanted to write.
John and I have lost the tiniest baby to miscarriage.
Her time on earth was too short, but what joy she brought us.
And though her life was short, there's still so very much to tell: how it all happened, how I found out, her name. So I'm sharing it all now to honor her perfect, little life and keep her memory alive forevermore.
---
My cycles had been on hold for a while due to my nursing relationship with John Paul. I was eager for them to start them again, as we were eager to start trying to conceive a sibling for our little bud. So I was excited when Aunt Flo ever-so-gently made her appearance toward the end of our trip to Harry Potter World back in early February, at approximately 9 months post-partum.
We started trying right away.
I wasn't exactly devastated when Aunt Flo appeared a second time in mid-March, because hey, it was only our first cycle of trying and I was used to things taking a while, as it took almost 2 years to conceive John Paulie. But I was certainly ready to try, try again.
While a mama returns to fertility, things can be a little . . . off. So it took forever to ovulate in that second cycle. But I still tracked it, we used the right days, and remained hopeful.
Two days after peak, I was hit by the most intense nausea ever. It started in the middle of the night, during a 4am nursing session with John Paul, and didn't let up for almost 24 hours. At first I chalked it up to food poisoning, but I never actually got sick. I wanted to hope that it was somehow related to conception, but I also felt that was really weird. So I pushed it to the back of my mind.
Then John Paul started acting strange. And I couldn't figure out a reason for it. He wasn't teething. He wasn't sick. He was just skipping most of his naps and being super snuggly. I wanted to hope that it was somehow related to early pregnancy and him just knowing something was up with mama's body, but I didn't want to get too carried away. So I tried to push that to the back of my mind. But with the possible conception nausea and now my baby boy acting so out of character, I started to let hope grow.
At this point, I raided our medicine cabinet and found my old prescription for progesterone. Leading up to my first post-partum cycle, my luteal phase was only 5 days long. And leading up to my second, it was only 8. Considering 13-to-15-day luteal phases were my pre-pregnancy norm, I knew my progesterone levels were off, as they usually are when a mama is returning to fertility. So I decided to self-treat with that old progesterone prescription.
Pretty soon it was 9 days past peak and I got hit by an annoying migraine. Another hopeful sign!
In this time, I also had a friend tell me she had a dream I was pregnant with twins and my sister-in-law told me she dreamt I announced I was 4 weeks pregnant. And so hope grew more.
Come 11 days post peak, a good friend, Emily, convinced me it was time to test. Pre-John Paul, I was not an early tester because I was so used to not getting pregnant each cycle, so why bother? But at this point, I had so many signs pointing toward pregnancy, I decided to give it a go.
I stared at the test as the urine crossed over the testing window. Negative. But wait, Stephanie! It says to read after 5 minutes. So I walked away, and set a timer for 6 minutes, just to be sure.
When the timer went off, I checked again and negative again.
But wait, is that second line? Surely not. No. I'm squinting. There's no line there. But wait, is there?!!
And with another few minutes of staring and squinting and second guessing, the faintest of faintest second lines was really there.
PREGNANT.
Oh my gosh, I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!
A few texts back and forth with Emily and she confirmed it. She saw it too. SHE SAW IT TOO!
And I was giddy!
PREGNANT AND GIDDY!!!
I immediately called John at work and told him, and he excitedly said, "Well, yay! I had a feeling this is what you were calling me about. How lovely!" After the weird nausea and John Paul's behavior and migraine, he was hoping along with me. And now it was confirmed.
We're pregnant!!!!
But it wasn't long before doubt crept in.
That second line was super light. What if it was an evap line? Plus, the test is over two years expired. This probably isn't real. Oh, but I want it to be so bad. Please be real!
So with excitement but also a little fear, we went to sleep that night and planned to test in the morning.
When morning came around, the test was still positive. Ever so faintly positive. But positive is positive!
Pregnant. Pregnant. PREGNANT!
We were floating on cloud 9 that entire day. We were in happy shock that it only took us two cycles of trying this time!! I kept excitedly telling John Paul he was a big brother. We looked up her due date: December 28, the feast of the Holy Innocents. (Eerily fitting now, looking back.) We swooned over the thought of a Christmas baby.
We treated ourselves to ice cream after dinner and took one of the only images we now have of me while pregnant with our little one.
Later that night, the bleeding started. First spots of brown, then a bright spot of red.
CRUSHED.
The familiar feeling of failure from our two years in infertility came creeping back.
I've failed us. I'm broken. I'm so sorry.
Those were the words I uttered to John.
With the smallest thread of hope I had left, I took another pill of progesterone before bed and closed my eyes to sleep, ready to face the worst in the morning, but clinging to Him, desperately wanting a miracle.
By morning, the spotting was back to brown and another pregnancy test came back faintly positive. By afternoon, the spotting had stopped.
Could it be? Implantation??
The spotting shook me up enough to want blood work. So Sew called me in some favors and my long-distance NaPro doc (we don't have one in my new town) ordered HCG and progesterone labs for me.
We went to bed excited and hopeful and scared yet again. But mostly, joy-filled. I was still pregnant, praise God. We thanked Him for another day with our little poppy-sized babe and went to sleep in awe of His great gift.
We got yet another faintly positive test in the morning.
But when we got our lab results later that day, we were quite shaken.
On day 13 after peak . . .
HCG: 13
Progesterone: 17
Crushed again.
Our NaPro doc assured us that those numbers were possibly ok. They were numbers he'd expect to see in very, very early pregnancy. The progesterone wasn't great, but wasn't the absolute worst. He wanted it to be at least above 20, so we made a plan to switch to progesterone in oil and hoped that would do the trick. As for the HCG, well, we would test again in 48 hours to see if it's doubling and then go from there.
As we waited for the morning of the next HCG and progesterone check, I oscillated between hope and sadness. For reference, my HCG was above 2,000 when checked on day 18 after peak during John Paul's pregnancy. An HCG level of 13 just sounded so terribly low. So terribly hopelessly low.
But we kept praying. We kept hoping. We kept imagining our future with this sweet baby in it. And we tried to enjoy every moment we had with her, because we knew there was a chance there wouldn't be many more.
When the nurse finally called to tell me the results of the second test, her voice gave it away. So I told her to give it to me straight.
On day 15 after peak . . .
HCG: 3
Progesterone: 5.5
Completely and utterly broken.
An HCG of less than 5 is negative for pregnancy. It was confirmed. Our little one was no longer growing. I had miscarried.
And I sobbed.
John was at work, so it was me and John Paulie and the little fading life inside me for the afternoon.
That night, I didn't take my progesterone, and the next morning the bleeding began for real.
---
Technically, I experienced a chemical pregnancy. And in the past week, I've come to hate how clinical and sterile that term is. But since my HCG was never high enough and she was never big enough to be seen on the big screen (ultrasound), her pregnancy gets that callous title.
It's crazy to think that if I hadn't been paying attention, I probably wouldn't have even known she existed.
Thank God for NFP.
It's possible I was meant to lose her the night I experienced what I thought was implantation spotting. The progesterone probably kept the pregnancy going those few extra days. But I'll never know for sure.
It's also possible there was some sort of chromosomal issue and our little lady just couldn't develop very much because of it. But we'll never know that for sure either.
I also worry that maybe we started trying too early, before my post-partum body was ready. I'm not trying to place the blame on us, but it's hard not to, ya know? Just yet another thing we'll never know.
We also don't know if she was really a girl, obviously. But I do lean that way. Mostly because her pregnancy was so different from John Paul's. Which is silly to say, I know. It was obviously very different because it never got very far and was never meant to. But I'm holding on to these things and letting myself think our baby was a girl, even if it's not right, because I guess at the end of all this, I'm still entitled to my motherly instinct. John thinks she was a girl too.
One day, though, on the other side of Heaven, we'll know all this for sure. When we truly meet our little lady for the first time and hear her story straight from the Source. We'll know for sure.
And what a joyful day that will be.
---
To honor the life that was entrusted to us, we've named our sweet girl.
The littlest saint in Heaven . . .
We wanted to name our sweet girl for a saint who died as a child.
St. Hope immediately stood out to us. She died a martyr at the age ten.
At the end of her story, our little girl has brought us nothing but hope. Hope that we can grow our family again. Hope that my body is healed, or at least healing. Hope that we will be with her again. Hope that God will redeem this suffering for good. What a perfect name for our saint.
And while thinking of other saints, I kept coming back to St. Therese of Liseux. I was drawn to her little way, glorifying God in all she did, especially in the little things. It spoke to me and reminded me so much of what we had been through in our short time with our daughter. She didn't live for very long, but her little, simple life provided us with so much love and so much joy. It felt like exactly the right name to honor her life.
Therese Hope.
(Pronounced Teh-rezz Hope.)
When I say her name, I'm reminded . . .
There is hope.
And I hope you hear that too.
---
I have always wanted to become a saint. Unfortunately, when I have compared myself with the saints, I have always found that there is the same difference between the saints and me as there is between a mountain whose summit is lost in the clouds and a humble grain of sand trodden underfoot by passers-by. Instead of being discouraged, I told myself: God would not make me wish for something impossible and so, in spite of my littleness, I can aim at being a saint. It is impossible for me to grow bigger, so I put up with myself as I am, with all my countless faults. But I will look for some means of going to heaven by a little way which is very short and very straight, a little way that is quite new.
We live in an age of inventions. We need no longer climb laboriously up flights of stairs; in well-to-do houses there are lifts. And I was determined to find a lift to carry me to Jesus, for I was far too small to climb the steep stairs of perfection. So I sought in holy Scripture some idea of what this life I wanted would be, and I read these words: 'Whoever is a little one, come to me.' It is your arms, Jesus that are the lift to carry me to heaven. And so there is no need for me to grow up: I must stay little and become less and less.
-St. Therese of Liseux
---
John and I have lost the tiniest baby to miscarriage.
Her time on earth was too short, but what joy she brought us.
And though her life was short, there's still so very much to tell: how it all happened, how I found out, her name. So I'm sharing it all now to honor her perfect, little life and keep her memory alive forevermore.
---
My cycles had been on hold for a while due to my nursing relationship with John Paul. I was eager for them to start them again, as we were eager to start trying to conceive a sibling for our little bud. So I was excited when Aunt Flo ever-so-gently made her appearance toward the end of our trip to Harry Potter World back in early February, at approximately 9 months post-partum.
We started trying right away.
I wasn't exactly devastated when Aunt Flo appeared a second time in mid-March, because hey, it was only our first cycle of trying and I was used to things taking a while, as it took almost 2 years to conceive John Paulie. But I was certainly ready to try, try again.
While a mama returns to fertility, things can be a little . . . off. So it took forever to ovulate in that second cycle. But I still tracked it, we used the right days, and remained hopeful.
Two days after peak, I was hit by the most intense nausea ever. It started in the middle of the night, during a 4am nursing session with John Paul, and didn't let up for almost 24 hours. At first I chalked it up to food poisoning, but I never actually got sick. I wanted to hope that it was somehow related to conception, but I also felt that was really weird. So I pushed it to the back of my mind.
Then John Paul started acting strange. And I couldn't figure out a reason for it. He wasn't teething. He wasn't sick. He was just skipping most of his naps and being super snuggly. I wanted to hope that it was somehow related to early pregnancy and him just knowing something was up with mama's body, but I didn't want to get too carried away. So I tried to push that to the back of my mind. But with the possible conception nausea and now my baby boy acting so out of character, I started to let hope grow.
At this point, I raided our medicine cabinet and found my old prescription for progesterone. Leading up to my first post-partum cycle, my luteal phase was only 5 days long. And leading up to my second, it was only 8. Considering 13-to-15-day luteal phases were my pre-pregnancy norm, I knew my progesterone levels were off, as they usually are when a mama is returning to fertility. So I decided to self-treat with that old progesterone prescription.
Pretty soon it was 9 days past peak and I got hit by an annoying migraine. Another hopeful sign!
In this time, I also had a friend tell me she had a dream I was pregnant with twins and my sister-in-law told me she dreamt I announced I was 4 weeks pregnant. And so hope grew more.
Come 11 days post peak, a good friend, Emily, convinced me it was time to test. Pre-John Paul, I was not an early tester because I was so used to not getting pregnant each cycle, so why bother? But at this point, I had so many signs pointing toward pregnancy, I decided to give it a go.
I stared at the test as the urine crossed over the testing window. Negative. But wait, Stephanie! It says to read after 5 minutes. So I walked away, and set a timer for 6 minutes, just to be sure.
When the timer went off, I checked again and negative again.
But wait, is that second line? Surely not. No. I'm squinting. There's no line there. But wait, is there?!!
And with another few minutes of staring and squinting and second guessing, the faintest of faintest second lines was really there.
PREGNANT.
Oh my gosh, I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!
A few texts back and forth with Emily and she confirmed it. She saw it too. SHE SAW IT TOO!
And I was giddy!
PREGNANT AND GIDDY!!!
I immediately called John at work and told him, and he excitedly said, "Well, yay! I had a feeling this is what you were calling me about. How lovely!" After the weird nausea and John Paul's behavior and migraine, he was hoping along with me. And now it was confirmed.
We're pregnant!!!!
But it wasn't long before doubt crept in.
That second line was super light. What if it was an evap line? Plus, the test is over two years expired. This probably isn't real. Oh, but I want it to be so bad. Please be real!
So with excitement but also a little fear, we went to sleep that night and planned to test in the morning.
When morning came around, the test was still positive. Ever so faintly positive. But positive is positive!
Pregnant. Pregnant. PREGNANT!
We were floating on cloud 9 that entire day. We were in happy shock that it only took us two cycles of trying this time!! I kept excitedly telling John Paul he was a big brother. We looked up her due date: December 28, the feast of the Holy Innocents. (Eerily fitting now, looking back.) We swooned over the thought of a Christmas baby.
We treated ourselves to ice cream after dinner and took one of the only images we now have of me while pregnant with our little one.
Later that night, the bleeding started. First spots of brown, then a bright spot of red.
CRUSHED.
The familiar feeling of failure from our two years in infertility came creeping back.
I've failed us. I'm broken. I'm so sorry.
Those were the words I uttered to John.
With the smallest thread of hope I had left, I took another pill of progesterone before bed and closed my eyes to sleep, ready to face the worst in the morning, but clinging to Him, desperately wanting a miracle.
By morning, the spotting was back to brown and another pregnancy test came back faintly positive. By afternoon, the spotting had stopped.
Could it be? Implantation??
The spotting shook me up enough to want blood work. So Sew called me in some favors and my long-distance NaPro doc (we don't have one in my new town) ordered HCG and progesterone labs for me.
We went to bed excited and hopeful and scared yet again. But mostly, joy-filled. I was still pregnant, praise God. We thanked Him for another day with our little poppy-sized babe and went to sleep in awe of His great gift.
We got yet another faintly positive test in the morning.
But when we got our lab results later that day, we were quite shaken.
On day 13 after peak . . .
HCG: 13
Progesterone: 17
Crushed again.
Our NaPro doc assured us that those numbers were possibly ok. They were numbers he'd expect to see in very, very early pregnancy. The progesterone wasn't great, but wasn't the absolute worst. He wanted it to be at least above 20, so we made a plan to switch to progesterone in oil and hoped that would do the trick. As for the HCG, well, we would test again in 48 hours to see if it's doubling and then go from there.
As we waited for the morning of the next HCG and progesterone check, I oscillated between hope and sadness. For reference, my HCG was above 2,000 when checked on day 18 after peak during John Paul's pregnancy. An HCG level of 13 just sounded so terribly low. So terribly hopelessly low.
But we kept praying. We kept hoping. We kept imagining our future with this sweet baby in it. And we tried to enjoy every moment we had with her, because we knew there was a chance there wouldn't be many more.
When the nurse finally called to tell me the results of the second test, her voice gave it away. So I told her to give it to me straight.
On day 15 after peak . . .
HCG: 3
Progesterone: 5.5
Completely and utterly broken.
An HCG of less than 5 is negative for pregnancy. It was confirmed. Our little one was no longer growing. I had miscarried.
And I sobbed.
John was at work, so it was me and John Paulie and the little fading life inside me for the afternoon.
That night, I didn't take my progesterone, and the next morning the bleeding began for real.
---
Technically, I experienced a chemical pregnancy. And in the past week, I've come to hate how clinical and sterile that term is. But since my HCG was never high enough and she was never big enough to be seen on the big screen (ultrasound), her pregnancy gets that callous title.
It's crazy to think that if I hadn't been paying attention, I probably wouldn't have even known she existed.
Thank God for NFP.
It's possible I was meant to lose her the night I experienced what I thought was implantation spotting. The progesterone probably kept the pregnancy going those few extra days. But I'll never know for sure.
It's also possible there was some sort of chromosomal issue and our little lady just couldn't develop very much because of it. But we'll never know that for sure either.
I also worry that maybe we started trying too early, before my post-partum body was ready. I'm not trying to place the blame on us, but it's hard not to, ya know? Just yet another thing we'll never know.
We also don't know if she was really a girl, obviously. But I do lean that way. Mostly because her pregnancy was so different from John Paul's. Which is silly to say, I know. It was obviously very different because it never got very far and was never meant to. But I'm holding on to these things and letting myself think our baby was a girl, even if it's not right, because I guess at the end of all this, I'm still entitled to my motherly instinct. John thinks she was a girl too.
One day, though, on the other side of Heaven, we'll know all this for sure. When we truly meet our little lady for the first time and hear her story straight from the Source. We'll know for sure.
And what a joyful day that will be.
---
To honor the life that was entrusted to us, we've named our sweet girl.
The littlest saint in Heaven . . .
Therese Hope
We wanted to name our sweet girl for a saint who died as a child.
St. Hope immediately stood out to us. She died a martyr at the age ten.
At the end of her story, our little girl has brought us nothing but hope. Hope that we can grow our family again. Hope that my body is healed, or at least healing. Hope that we will be with her again. Hope that God will redeem this suffering for good. What a perfect name for our saint.
And while thinking of other saints, I kept coming back to St. Therese of Liseux. I was drawn to her little way, glorifying God in all she did, especially in the little things. It spoke to me and reminded me so much of what we had been through in our short time with our daughter. She didn't live for very long, but her little, simple life provided us with so much love and so much joy. It felt like exactly the right name to honor her life.
Therese Hope.
(Pronounced Teh-rezz Hope.)
When I say her name, I'm reminded . . .
There is hope.
And I hope you hear that too.
---
I have always wanted to become a saint. Unfortunately, when I have compared myself with the saints, I have always found that there is the same difference between the saints and me as there is between a mountain whose summit is lost in the clouds and a humble grain of sand trodden underfoot by passers-by. Instead of being discouraged, I told myself: God would not make me wish for something impossible and so, in spite of my littleness, I can aim at being a saint. It is impossible for me to grow bigger, so I put up with myself as I am, with all my countless faults. But I will look for some means of going to heaven by a little way which is very short and very straight, a little way that is quite new.
We live in an age of inventions. We need no longer climb laboriously up flights of stairs; in well-to-do houses there are lifts. And I was determined to find a lift to carry me to Jesus, for I was far too small to climb the steep stairs of perfection. So I sought in holy Scripture some idea of what this life I wanted would be, and I read these words: 'Whoever is a little one, come to me.' It is your arms, Jesus that are the lift to carry me to heaven. And so there is no need for me to grow up: I must stay little and become less and less.
-St. Therese of Liseux
---
Our only family picture.
We didn't know it at the time.
John, Stephanie, John Paul, Therese.
I was trying to help John Paul stand and walk while John was reaching out to him.
The rainbow and circular, embryonic figure in the bottom left corner give me chills.
<3
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Winter Recipe Capsule
Happy Eastertide, everybody!
And can you believe it? . . . Spring has sprung! It may not exactly feel it, especially for you northern folk who just got hit by a bunch of random April snow. Yikes! Sorry 'bout that. But spring's here whether the weather wants to cooperate or not. Flowers are blooming, the sun shines late into the day, and the air has that warm, happy, things-are-growing springtime scent. Mmmmmm.
You know, I'm totally into every single wardrobe capsule post I read. It's definitely something I'm going to do some day when we have more storage space in our NEW HOUSE!! (I'm going to have to leave you with a cliffhanger there, but yes, we got a house!) But today, I'm going to switch things up and create for your viewing (and eating) pleasure, A WINTER RECIPE CAPSULE! AKA the recipes that got us through the winter.
What makes a recipe a winter recipe? Oh, I don't exactly know. Warm, filling, comfort food-y to get you through the winter blues, carby to help you pack on some extra blubber to survive the cold winter temps. Yeah, that about covers it.
While these recipes may not apply right now (unless you're one of the unlucky few who is currently buried under a northern pile of snow), they'll be great to come back to once winter hits again next year. Or if you don't care about matching your meals to the season, I say go for it! We've loved making and devouring each one of these, so I hope you will too, no matter when you make them.
And can you believe it? . . . Spring has sprung! It may not exactly feel it, especially for you northern folk who just got hit by a bunch of random April snow. Yikes! Sorry 'bout that. But spring's here whether the weather wants to cooperate or not. Flowers are blooming, the sun shines late into the day, and the air has that warm, happy, things-are-growing springtime scent. Mmmmmm.
You know, I'm totally into every single wardrobe capsule post I read. It's definitely something I'm going to do some day when we have more storage space in our NEW HOUSE!! (I'm going to have to leave you with a cliffhanger there, but yes, we got a house!) But today, I'm going to switch things up and create for your viewing (and eating) pleasure, A WINTER RECIPE CAPSULE! AKA the recipes that got us through the winter.
What makes a recipe a winter recipe? Oh, I don't exactly know. Warm, filling, comfort food-y to get you through the winter blues, carby to help you pack on some extra blubber to survive the cold winter temps. Yeah, that about covers it.
While these recipes may not apply right now (unless you're one of the unlucky few who is currently buried under a northern pile of snow), they'll be great to come back to once winter hits again next year. Or if you don't care about matching your meals to the season, I say go for it! We've loved making and devouring each one of these, so I hope you will too, no matter when you make them.
While I'm not a huge goat cheese fan, it totally makes this recipe. Yum! To cut costs, we usually replace red/orange/yellow peppers in any recipe with plain ol' green. I know they don't taste exactly the same, but especially in this recipe which cooks for hours and hours in a crock pot, I'm pretty sure you won't notice a difference.
A big thanks to Ashlie for introducing me to this one. Oh my YUM! Take her advice and double the dumplings in this one. They're the best part!
We all love Kendra at Catholic All Year, amirite? This recipe is delish and super filling, especially over a big bowl of pasta. Oh, and did I mention? It's about the easiest recipe you'll ever make.
John and I have been enjoying this recipe for a few winters now. It's pretty easy to throw together, and fills you up without feeling too heavy. Plus, I'm always a sucker for something that combines pasta and greens. The dressing recipe that goes along with this one is okay, but you can make it way easier, and probably tastier, on yourself if you pick out your fave balsamic vinaigrette from the grocery store and just go with that.
Woah! A throwback to my very old, barely used blog. I don't mind embarrassing myself to share this one with ya because this recipe is the bomb. Easy, tasty, cheap, and vegetarian! I lived off this stuff when I was a full-time volunteer for a year. Check it.
I'm linking to within my own blog here. But I take no credit for this tasty creation: this one's a family recipe. Another one that's tasty, cheap, and vegetarian! Not exactly easy though, since it does involve a butternut squash. Those things are a beast. I like to say . . . When someone makes you a recipe with butternut squash, they must really love you, because butternut squash is WORK. That work is well worth it here, though, I can promise you that. Once the squash is chopped, this is very easy! Worth the sweat.
Lots of fun and unique flavors here. My favorite part is the can of coconut milk. Tell me, have you ever had a bad recipe that involved a can of coconut milk? Pretty sure the answer is no. That stuff is divine! Extra special thanks to Katie for recommending this one.
Another recipe with fun and unique flavors. This time, the star ingredient is cinnamon. I know, cinnamon and veggies . . . sounds a little weird, right? But I promise it's good. So good. Oh, and yeah, this one's another butternut squash recipe. But again, worth the effort! Plus, it makes a TON of food. We usually get at least 3 nights out of it.
Ignore the fact that this one comes from GQ Magazine and may include a silly/obnoxious article leading up to it. John made this recipe recently and it's to die for!! Also, SO SPICY! So if you're not into spicy, leave out about 1/2 the peppers in adobo sauce, or make sure you have LOTS of sour cream on hand. But wow, this one is jam packed with amazing flavor. And it's super filling. Great for a party!
You know, enchiladas are SO GOOD, but also SO MUCH WORK. This recipe takes the work out of the equation, but leaves the tasty. :) We like to top it with avocado and tortilla chips in addition to the cheese and scallions and cilantro.
Not gonna lie, slicing the zucchini super thin with a mandolin, then straining them, then layering, then baking . . . this recipe takes a lot of love and time. But it's good. So dang good. And it'll last ya several nights, or serve several guests at a party. Plus, it'll warm ya to the bones.
It might sound weird, but the combo of peanuts and cilantro and sriracha . . . pretty much a match made in Heaven. We skipped the rice on this one, but added a 15 oz can of diced tomatoes, a big spoonful of extra peanut butter, and 16 oz of cubed tofu. Now that's what I call a Happy Meal!
I'm all about that quinoa, 'bout that quinoa. :) And I especially love a good quinoa bowl. But sometimes, I don't want all the healthy that comes with your typical quinoa dish. Enter: BBQ Chicken Quinoa Bowl. I guess it's not that bad for you, but with the BBQ sauce mixed in and that healthy dose of cheddar cheese . . . yeah. That's next level stuff right there. Now imagine topping it all off with bacon. :-O
Another shout out to Katie for this one! Not only is this so good, but guys, it only requires one pot! You basically throw it all in, water and pasta and everything, and boil it 'til the water is gone. So . . . minimal mess, minimal work, maximum yum? You got it! Plus, you top this bad boy with feta. Does it get any betta? ;)
Speaking of feta. :) Alright, so try to keep up with me here because we made quite a few adjustments to this recipe. First, eliminate the zucchini. Too much work, too watery. Instead, I tossed some arugula in oil, salt, and pepper and placed it on top like a big ol' salad after this bad boy came out of the oven. Also, we probably doubled the feta. And I added some toasted pine nuts. It was glorious. Don't be afraid to leave the rind on the lemon slices like it recommends. It gives this a really strong lemon flavor. So fresh, so yum. And here's the pizza dough recipe we used. But I bet store bought would work just as well.
---
So there you have it! My 2015-2016 Winter Recipe Capsule. Is your tummy grumbling yet? Mine sure is.
Now tell me, what would you put in your Winter Recipe Capsule? I'm dying to know! Bonus points for links!
Friday, March 11, 2016
Where Have You Been, Missy??
It seems I've fallen off the face of planet earth. But actually, no I haven't! I'm still here, doing all the things. To put it lightly, things have been . . . busy. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
--six--
--one--
Learning how to teach plus then teaching the Creighton Model has been a whirlwind. Whew! But just last month, I wrapped up my 13-month training with a big fat 4-hour final exam. It was a doozy. Also awkward, since it was proctored by the only person in town I could find to proctor -- a male librarian. I had to present the picture dictionary to him. *insert embarrassed face here* That aside, I felt pretty ok after I finished it, so I'm thinking I passed, but I should find out by the end of April. Fingers crossed, prayers said!
I've LOVED working with clients and am looking forward to continuing that without supervision now. Wahoo! If you know of anyone interested in learning CrMS, please feel free to send them my way. :)
--two--
Leading up to Christmas, I participated in my first saint peg doll swap. Have you seen these yet? They seem to be making their way around the Catholic bloggiesphere. You paint 20-30 of the same saint for the swap and get 20-30 different ones back (or however many people are participating). It's a great way to learn about a bunch of saints AND get your craft on at the same time. Plus, they make great toys AND Catholic learning tools for little ones.
And in return received . . .
Front Row
St. Therese // St. Faustina // Mary, Mother of God // St. Augustine // St. Cecilia // Our Lady Undoer of Knots
Second Row
St. Francis // St. Lucy // St. Joachim // St. Catherine of Sienna // St. Zelie // St. Martha // St. Luke
Third Row
St. Elizabeth Ann Seton // St. Joseph // St. Isidore the Farmer // St. Monica // St. Kateri
Fourth Row
St. Pope John Paul II // St. Clare // St. Louis Martin // St. Gianna // Esther // Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
Fifth Row
St. Maria Goretti // St. Peter // St. Rose of Lima // St. Michael the Archangel // St. Maximilian Kolbe
St. Elizabeth Ann Seton // St. Joseph // St. Isidore the Farmer // St. Monica // St. Kateri
Fourth Row
St. Pope John Paul II // St. Clare // St. Louis Martin // St. Gianna // Esther // Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
Fifth Row
St. Maria Goretti // St. Peter // St. Rose of Lima // St. Michael the Archangel // St. Maximilian Kolbe
--three--
Within a few days of me receiving my 30 new saint dolls, I was already itching to do another one! So with the help of Katie and Cecilia, we organized a special group of gals who've experienced infertility, miscarriage and/or stillbirth and are together making a set of 20 saints who are patrons of those sufferings. So, so special.
. . . and should be receiving the new set in time for Easter. Most of the saints came from this patrons-of-infertility list.
I'll be sure to post pictures once they arrive.
Though, to hold you over, I've got a pic of two saints my husband painted! He wanted in on the fun after seeing me paint over 50 saints myself. He had to tell me which saints he painted because sometimes I'm clueless. Can you guess?
Though, to hold you over, I've got a pic of two saints my husband painted! He wanted in on the fun after seeing me paint over 50 saints myself. He had to tell me which saints he painted because sometimes I'm clueless. Can you guess?
--four--
I wouldn't be me if I didn't waste stupid amounts of time watching silly things on the telly. So, recent favorites have been:
Call the Midwife -- So many babies being born! And an infertility/adoption story!
Downton Abbey -- HOW IS THIS OVER?! At least the ending left me with all the good feels.
Jane the Virgin -- Funny and clever, but getting less appropriate by the episode. :-|
Fixer Upper -- We blew through the only season on Netflix. GIMME ALL THE SHIPLAP!
The Property Brothers -- Just yes.
Married at First Sight -- I know it's terrible that I watch this. But I really want all the best for these couples! And I love watching people fall in love. Sigh. Why are the outcomes so bad?
Call the Midwife -- So many babies being born! And an infertility/adoption story!
Downton Abbey -- HOW IS THIS OVER?! At least the ending left me with all the good feels.
Jane the Virgin -- Funny and clever, but getting less appropriate by the episode. :-|
Fixer Upper -- We blew through the only season on Netflix. GIMME ALL THE SHIPLAP!
The Property Brothers -- Just yes.
Married at First Sight -- I know it's terrible that I watch this. But I really want all the best for these couples! And I love watching people fall in love. Sigh. Why are the outcomes so bad?
--five--
In early February, John surprised me with a trip to The Harry Potter Wizarding World in Orlando!! He knew it was on my bucket list and one night in January, he arranged all the details on the internets by himself and BOOM. Surprise bucket list trip for us! My MIL joined in too to help out with John Paul. It was the best trip EVA!
I have to say, Universal is sooooo accommodating to families! Every ride has a child-swap room so that parents can wait in line together and then when you get to the front of the line, one hangs in the swap room with the kiddo while the other rides, and then once that parent is done, the parents swap! Easy peasy. There's also a building with rooms for breastfeeding moms, so I totally took advantage of that. We stayed, very affordably, at one of the Universal hotels, which included shuttle service to the parks every day. And, sigh, it was just awesome.
Favorite parts: buying a wand and casting interactive spells with it around the parks, drinking 4 glasses of butterbeer *drool*, walking through Hogwarts Castle, eating lunch at the Leaky Cauldron, and discovering Diagon Alley. The coolest.
I have to say, Universal is sooooo accommodating to families! Every ride has a child-swap room so that parents can wait in line together and then when you get to the front of the line, one hangs in the swap room with the kiddo while the other rides, and then once that parent is done, the parents swap! Easy peasy. There's also a building with rooms for breastfeeding moms, so I totally took advantage of that. We stayed, very affordably, at one of the Universal hotels, which included shuttle service to the parks every day. And, sigh, it was just awesome.
Favorite parts: buying a wand and casting interactive spells with it around the parks, drinking 4 glasses of butterbeer *drool*, walking through Hogwarts Castle, eating lunch at the Leaky Cauldron, and discovering Diagon Alley. The coolest.
--six--
So this is a big deal . . . we're house hunting! For the first time ever, we're ready to buy a home. We've seen about 15 houses and even put an offer on one! But the sellers decided to stay in their home right after our offer came in. Bummer. The good news is . . . we're in no rush. We could stay in our apartment for another year or so just waiting for the perfect house. So there's that. But the search continues. (And gosh, it's kinda a full time job!)
--seven--
Best of all the things keep me busy . . .
Being this guy's mom.
Can you believe I have a 10-month-old?!
Guys, he's just the sweetest, most hilarious kid ever. He loves exploring, pulling up on everything, pulling all the things off all the shelves. He LOVES the kitchen -- the dishwasher, the cabinets, the refrigerator, the oven drawer -- what's not to love? He eats all the things. New favorites include raisins, baba ganoush, blueberries, blackberries, watermelon, and my mom's chicken parm. He even likes semi-spicy curry dishes! He doesn't like sitting still for long, and sweet cuddly moments are hard to come by. But he's just a hoot. I can't get over the sounds he makes or the cheesy smiles or the way he hides his face in my shirt if he's being shy. Guh. This kid. What a blessing!
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