I'm certainly not 100% healed. Re-reading what I wrote last week, I notice I still have some of the same feelings of anger and abandonment stirring inside me, which makes me realize I carry this stuff with me every day, whether or not I'm aware of it. The infertility world is just a bummer of a world to be a part of and I will likely spend every day wishing I wasn't in it until the day we become parents. I know that sounds horrible, and honestly, it pretty much is, but I made a realization after I posted about my bummer of a day last week that made me feel less abandonedment, less anger. And it was related to this question I asked...
"Why do I have to suffer while others out there are getting exactly what they want as soon as they want it?"
The answer is: They don't.
Though the question was supposed to be broad (i.e. wasn't just related to babies), since I have a pretty one track mind these days, I started reflecting on all of my friends who have children or who have gotten pregnant easily. And I quickly started to realize that not one of them have actually had it easy. They may not struggle with infertility, but they all have some sort of cross they carry.
One friend had two miscarriages (and was told by a doctor she needed to have three miscarriages before they could help her) before she got pregnant with a little one that stuck. She also struggles to make ends meet financially and really dislikes her living situation.
Another friend got pregnant when they weren't trying, ended up nearly going blind during her pregnancy because of a disorder, and only retained some vision because of an emergency surgery during her third trimester. When her babe was only a year old, she ended up in the hospital again with very serious blood clot.
Another friend was extremely sick during her entire pregnancy and had to have an emergency delivery. She may not be able to have children in the future.
A few other friends have gotten pregnant very, very easily but have turmoil in their marriages. Or have struggled in being faithful to their spouse. Or have a close relative who is sick. Or have massive debt. Or have no self esteem.
The more people with children I thought about, the more I realized no one has it easy. And when I did finally think of a few people who "had it easy" I realized I didn't actually know much about them. They were the people I once knew in real life, but now only know through Facebook posts. And we all know that people can paint a pretty picture of their lives on Facebook without actually having a pretty life in real life.
The point here is we all have our crosses.
Yes, I already knew that. I think it's one of those things we all start to become aware of while we transition from adolescence into adulthood. So it's not like I'm sharing anything new here.
But what helped me in all of this was realizing that no one is getting exactly what they want when they want it. Sure, they might be able to get pregnant easily, but there's very likely something else going on in their life that isn't going exactly the way they want it.
So I guess that's one less thing to be sad and mopey and bummed out about next time I'm in a funk. Not that I'm happy that everyone's suffering. I'm just happy that I've realized jealously is never fruitful.
(Duh! Isn't that something we all learned in grade school? Sorry... sometimes I'm a little behind with these "life lessons.")
On a happier note...
One of the messages I texted my husband on my day of sadness last week was, "I just want to get away. I don't want to be in Memphis living this life right now. Can we please just go somewhere else and be someone else for a while?" While I admit now that that was pretty dramatic, he took the hint that I just needed a little getaway, a little break. So this past weekend, we drove about 3 hours west to Hot Springs, Arkansas, and enjoyed ourselves a one-night getaway from reality. I've got some pictures and some stories to share of our adventure, but I'll save those for next time. :)